life

Marking my 250th blog post: Taking some time to reflect on Girlymicro

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There’s a lot going on right now, and life is busy for everyone. Despite the challenges, this lack of time can mean that reflection and taking a moment to catch your breath can be even more beneficial. I can’t believe this is the 250th post on this blog and so, if you’ll forgive the indulgence, I’m going to be taking my own advice and spending a little time celebrating this milestone by remembering why I started, what I wanted to achieve, whether that has worked out, and where I would like Girlymicro to go in the future.

Where did it start?

When I chose Girlymicro as my twitter handle back in 2012 I had no idea of the decision I was actually making. I didn’t set out to have a ‘brand’, I never imagined that it would exist outside of a platform that I had newly encountered and was trying to learn how to use. That said Girlymicro was chosen with purpose even back then. I wanted something that allowed me to represent, and consciously go against some of the advice that I had heard during my career. Advice that said that I could be good but I would be better if I tried to fit in and not bring my whole self to the table. To accept that fact that I should be a scientist first and a woman second, and that by putting my femineity and female perspective forward I would isolate myself and limit my ability to succeed. That scientists didn’t look like me. I also wanted to show that I can be Girly in a non-traditional way, I don’t wear lots of makeup, I don’t worry about my appearance, but I enjoy being feminine despite all of those things. I wanted to say I like wearing pinks and purples, and I can also still be good at science. So, Girlymicro was born.

Roll forward to the end of my PhD and I had discovered a love for science communication, and how education can be done differently. It didn’t all need to be lectures, where someone knowledgeable stood at the front of the room and gifted knowledge to those who sat passively within the space. That knowledge could be co-produced instead of given.

This inspired me to start thinking about how I could make a difference in this space. In 2015 I didn’t really know what it was that I wanted, I was still very much thinking about options but I hadn’t pinned anything down. For me, looking back, this shows that sometimes having a passion is the best place to start. You don’t have to have all the detail mapped out, and sometimes knowing what you don’t want to do is almost as important.

When I started to investigate the science blogging space, a lot of the blogs were very technical, highly referenced, and very science forward. These were all brilliant blogs, the trouble was I was pretty sure they weren’t what I wanted to write. This was for a couple of reasons, I’d just finished writing a PhD thesis and a whole bunch of papers. I knew that I could write that kind of work but I was aware that writing that every week would be incredibly time consuming, not necessarily teach me new skills, and not reach the audience I wanted to speak to. I also knew that I wanted to keep the Girlymicro mentality of bringing my whole self and so something that felt one dimensional didn’t tick my boxes for a project that I knew would require a big time investment. I knew that wasn’t right for me, but I had yet to work out what right looked like.

Where have I been?

In 2015 I registered the Girlymicrobiologist domain therefore, whilst not completely sure what it was that I wanted to do. Sometimes I knew you just have to get started. I put out my first, very short blog post, and then frankly kind of chickened out.

Hello world!

It wasn’t until the pandemic that I finally crystalised what it was I wanted to write and who it was I wanted to speak to. By the time my second blog post was launched I’d worked with Nicola Baldwin, as a playwright, on the Nosocomial project. I’d really started to find my feet in terms of knowing who I was as a communicator. I had also spent over 6 months doing various radio and comms linked to the pandemic, and I was getting really frustrated at the fact that all of it boiled down to sound bite communication. I didn’t have a space where I could speak without an intermediary, or where I could explore the complexity of what was happening. That dissatisfaction combined with the fact that I was increasingly aware of the fact that there may be people who were interested in engaging with this kind of content, due to questions across social media and from my friends, meant that I finally got over my fear and put out my first real blog post.

Why Have I Waited 5 Years?

You’ll see that these early blogs are all pretty short. They are definitely Girlymicro blogs, but they fit into the expectations of the time when they will written.

We all know I love a bit of research, and when I started writing regularly I obeyed the rules of the time. That was that blogs should be 500 – 900 words and three pictures. I also really felt the need to demonstrate my credibility, to show that I had the right to be writing. I felt I had to prove to people that I was worthy of their time (not that I don’t now, but it feels different). All of this means that the early blogs feel a bit different to the ones I post today.

Happy Birthday Girlymicrobiologist Blog: One year on what I have learnt about writing a blog?

It took me longer than I would have thought to get to the point where I could finally do what I had set up my Girlymicro twitter handle for back in 2012, and that was bring my whole self, good, bad and sometimes mortifying, to my blogs. To share weakness as well as strength, and on occasion to write blog posts that are about things I’m exploring and don’t have any answers to. It took me quite a while to be brave and find the courage to throw it out there and deal with whatever reception happened.

An Homage to Douglas Adams: Reaching 42 and therefore becoming the answer to life the universe and everything

It also took me a while to share the big moments, and to think that was OK, rather than being considered boastful. I clearly remember the anxiety of posting about receiving a New Years Honour, and even making consultant. Despite that anxiety I have chosen to live by ‘you can’t be what you can’t see’. It’s really important to show that someone as normal as me can achieve, and that those routes are open to everyone. It’s not about being special, or exceptional, it’s about bringing your whole self and continuing to show up, even on the bad days. Therefore being out there and visible is important both to show what can happen and options to get there.

Girlymicro’s 100th Post: What I’ve learnt in my 1st year as a consultant

It took me even longer to think of myself (and I’m not entirely sure I still do) as a writer, rather than someone who writes. I don’t think of myself as a particularly good writer, my knowledge of grammar is super weak. What I’ve learnt though is that, if you write from the heart, if you have something to say that is well intentioned and written to support others, then people forgive you for any lack of skill. You also won’t learn and get better if you don’t practice, so I’m practicing in a safe space with a load of supporters who are prepared to think the best of me.

Am I a Writer Yet? Two years in, over 100 posts and finally finding my feet

Over the last 10 years, whether actively writing or not, I’ve learnt a lot about myself, how I want to communicate, and who I want to communicate and build a community with. It is that learning that has helped me develop and build. The feedback and support has been invaluable, and it’s help me to know that it is OK to learn and evolve as I go. It’s then so important to share that learning so that the next person looking to start a blog can build upon knowledge already gained and make something that works for them.

Celebrating my 200th Post: Learning to love science blogging and the do’s and don’ts I’ve picked up along the way

What has made me continue?

Life gets busy for all of us, and it can be challenging sometimes to get a blog out every week, plus we all know that sometimes I fail to deliver. Frequency is key though, both because I don’t want to let everyone down, and because it is all too easy to fall out of the habit of writing if you start skipping weeks. Those were the reasons for posting regularly at the start anyway. If you read any ‘how to start a blog’ page it will tell you about the importance of regular content updates.

I don’t think that’s the reason why I post regularly now and feel unsettled if I miss posts these days however. I think that I have come to find writing an invaluable way of sorting through my thoughts and processing my responses. I started writing a blog for the benefit of others, but I have discovered how much creating a regular space for reflection, as part of writing, has massive benefits for me and my well being. It’s become a habit that I absolutely don’t want to break, plus I have 350 plus posts in draft so it’ll take me time to get through them.

I also feel that as you build and develop you are able to see the vision more and more clearly, and so what you build naturally changes. I didn’t deliberately set out to post on key topics such as Infection Prevention and Control, Healthcare Science, Leadership, Academia/research and personal growth, but looking back now I can’t see that Girlymicro could have been anything but what it is. It started from a place of authenticity, and so what has developed is something that is uniquely me, and I couldn’t be happier.

What’s my current reality?

Talking about what Girlymicro is now, in the world of AI I thought it would be interesting to see what Gemini (Googles AI) thinks of the Girlymicro blog. So If you hit up Google and ask ‘what is the Girlymicrobiologist blog’ it comes up (as of the 22nd June 2025) with the below:

The Girlymicro blog is a science blog written by a Healthcare Scientist and Infection Prevention and Control Consultant named Professor Elaine Cloutman-Green. It focuses on various topics including leadership, academia, Healthcare Science, infection control, and personal experiences, with a strong emphasis on community and raising awareness within these fields. 

Here’s a more detailed breakdown:

  • Focus Areas:The blog covers a range of topics, including leadership, PhD tips, Healthcare Science, infection control and microbiology, personal experiences, and guest blogs/book reviews. 
  • Purpose:The blog aims to demystify science, make it accessible to everyone, and build a supportive community for those working in or interested in these fields. 
  • Community Engagement:The blog actively encourages interaction with the audience, featuring guest blogs to broaden perspectives and inviting feedback to improve content. 
  • Author’s Perspective:The author, Professor Cloutman-Green, shares her expertise as a scientist and consultant while also offering insights into her personal journey and experiences. 
  • Content Style:The blog features a mix of informative posts, personal reflections, and discussions on current issues related to science and healthcare. 

Now I know that AI will scrape a lot of what I wrote and therefore may be seen as just posting positive reinforcement, but I have to say that summary did not make me miserable. I’m pretty happy that it covers a lot of what I hope it would cover. When it is hard to write, it is sometimes nice to reflect and see if whether what you are doing still fits your purpose and the reason you started, so that alignment with my ‘why’ feels pretty good.

What am I proudest of?

Talking about evolution, when I first started I had never considered guest blogs or what they could look like. It took about a year for me to feel like I knew what I was doing enough to put out a call for people who would be willing to write guest blogs. Now, out of the posts published, ~13% are guest blogs, This is so important to me. I’ve always wanted Girlymicro to be a community, a community where we listen to and support each other. Guest blogs are an important component of that as they work to offer others a voice, and to be able to practice within what I hope is a safe and supportive space. Writing guest blogs enables others to feel supported in sharing their views, but also to try out a type of writing that authors may not have done before, and to build confidence. I’m especially happy that many of those who write guest blogs are undergraduates or early post graduates, where developing these skills and potentially raising their profile, might help them in their future.

I know that I asked AI what they thought of the blog, but in order to be a little more thorough I also reached out across social media platforms in order to ask others what they thought. What they liked and found helpful, but also where it could get better. So whilst I’m talking about gratitude, I’m so proud and grateful for the responses received. When everyone is up against it, the fact that people took time to respond and give their thoughts means the world:

What are the lessons I’ve learnt?

One of the thing I’ve discovered when speaking to people about this blog is that people read blogs for all kinds of reasons. Now, I know I said that I don’t write Girlymicro as a hard science blog, but I do always want to include interesting other pieces of reading where I can. Apparently, according to the article below, people read science blogs for a variety of reasons, and you can either try to double down on one of them, or do what I do, and hope to achieve all of the different aspects but at different moments and in different articles. This is probably quite obvious if you spend time thinking about it, but it was not something I had particularly realised. It is however one of the reasons why posting a variety of different types of content seems to work. Every day is a school day.

https://www.fromthelabbench.com/from-the-lab-bench-science-blog/2016/6/24/profiles-of-science-blog-readers-an-infographic

I knew none of those things when I started, and I will always continue to write the things that speak to me in the hope it is helpful to others, rather than trying to hit an algorithm or meet requirements laid out by others. That said, and as food for thought, I thought I would shared some of the lessons I’ve learnt over the last ten years, many of which could be applied to just life in general:

  • You don’t have to have it all figured out, but you need to have a direction of travel and a purpose
  • Things will change so don’t cling to where you started, be open to learning and evolution
  • Just keep showing up, even when you don’t want to, especially when it’s hard
  • Sometimes knowing what you don’t want to do is helpful and shouldn’t be dismissed
  • Take the risk, and make the jump. Nothing is perfect, failure will happen, but you will end up better for it
  • Have a little faith. Have faith in your gut. Have faith that others will be there to catch you and support you when you need it
  • Try to think about your community and building your networks. Focus on what serves them than what serves you only
  • Everything takes longer than you think and nothing is ever finished. Starting a project like this is a commitment of years with no end date. Make sure you have the passion to see you through
  • If you bring your whole self it will always be a success, as it will be truly and uniquely you

What are my hopes and aspirations for the future?

I still aspire to turning the blog into a book, I’m still working on it. I have big dreams and I’m not done yet. Most of my hopes are about continuing to build community though, that’s where my dreams are all seated. What can we do better to learn from each other? How can I do this better in order to help? How can I reach people who might find this useful? People who don’t read blogs in this way or exist on the platforms I use? This blog, like me, is a work in progress, and long may that continue.

The one thing that I am certain of is that I want to continue to be grateful, to see what we are building together and to continue to experience awe that I get to be a part of it. Girlymicro was never meant to be a brand but I’m beyond grateful for the fact that, with the support of all of you, it kind of is, and it’s a platform that I commit to using for the good of all of us. To support, to inform, and hopefully to enable positive change. Thank you so much for being part of this and here’s to the next 250!

All opinions in this blog are my own

Finding the Positives: Ten reasons why I am still grateful, even for the bad days

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I got a cab this yesterday, and I said good morning and asked how the driver was doing, as I always do when I grab a cab. They looked at me and said ‘you are a happy person, so many of my rides are not’. This really got me thinking about happiness and outlook. Life is challenging for a lot of us right now. The world is a scary place. A lot of the rules that we thought existed to manage how society works are being challenged, and for those of us who work in the NHS the job feels harder than it’s ever been. It is easy to fall into what Mr Girlymicro and I describe as the pit of despair. Some days, the only thing we can control is what that pit looks like. Can you line it with pillows, blankets and Darjeeling tea, to make it manageable until you find the ladder out? On days where I find myself within the pit I try to focus on what positives I can i.e. find my pillows, and use what comfort there is to ride the wave. Here are a few of my reflections from my recent pit time about my things to be grateful for, even on bad days in case anyone else is finding it hard right now.

Allows people to show you who they are

I like to think that I approach everyone with the same baseline attitude of trust and optimism. There have been a few times in my career where this may have been an approach that ended up costing me, either emotionally or professionally. I’ve made an active decision that this is how I want to continue however, as I don’t want to be someone who is forced into a cynical existence. I want to continue to think the best of everyone and their intentions.

If I then get caught out because of this ‘glass is half full’ approach I think there are still positives, even if it can come with a cost. It may not always feel like it but knowing who people are is a gift. Seeing the person behind the mask enables you to know what really motivates their behaviour, which only makes you more empowered to interact with them in the future. In this one, reality, no matter how painful, is better than existing in your previous delusion. That said, someone told me once ‘when someone shows us they are believe them the first time’. So I now try to face up to my new reality on first exposure rather than getting stuck in a loop of second chances.

Aids with learning more about who you are

When your back is against the wall, when resources are limited or you are in a place where every interaction feels like a battle, it’s tiring, it’s draining and boy is it depressing. Part of survival in these circumstances is choosing your battles, and often doing a lot of thinking about how to manage yourself within that space. If you’re like me, there will also be a lot of questioning about how you ended up in that difficult spot. All of this can feel a bit like self flagellation in the moment, but it actually fulfils an important purpose, and it’s not just about survival. All of this strategising and reflection is an essential part of learning.

The learning, for me, is always about which decisions did I make that led me to this place, and how can I make better choices and see red flags when I have previously missed them. When making decisions about which battles to go into, what do those choices say about my priorities and the things I value? How can I use this self knowledge better? The big one though, is also what was/is my role in where I’ve found myself. The ugly and oft unwanted truth is that I have always played a role, so where was I the protagonist is the piece? Where is my learning about how to be better? A better person? A better colleague? A better scientist? Learning is a gift and we should take it where we can find it.

Motivates you to channel creativity

You may not be able to control the external forces that feel like they are whipping your existence into a hurricane, but you can control some of your responses to them. Now, I’m an emotional person, and in my hurricane I often feel like Dorothy in her house as it’s flying to Oz. For me, I need to find a way to ground myself and my thinking. I need an outlet and something that I can focus on to stop my mind from running wild. During these times I have so many thoughts but also moments of inspiration.

If I were a more creative person I suspect I would paint or write poetry. It will surprise none of you though to find that instead I tend to list possible future blog titles based around what I’m processing. If a particular ideas seizes me I will just sit and write the whole thing but often it’s about capturing the moment in the form of titles. I know that 2024 and 2025 have been hard times by the fact that I have over 300 blogs in some level of draft. Some of those will get collated, some of them will go nowhere, and some of them will keep me busy writing for the next several years. Looking back on these titles shows me that positive things can come out of difficult times, and helps me process where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’d like to get to.

Provides you with moments to practice responses

It’s not just practical skills where practice makes perfect, it’s also valid for our coping responses and communication skills. This can be anything from saying no or setting boundaries, to skills that help you manage emotional overwhelm or anxiety. No one wants to find themselves in difficult times or managing difficult relationships, but I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who hasn’t gone through periods of challenge in their lives, so the sooner we get better at some of these responses the better we will manage when the bad times hit.

That said, you don’t want to be doing the self reflection or learning needed to identify what responses might help you when you are in the midst of things. It’s probably best to do your thinking in calmer times, and use the moments of trouble to practice applying them. I don’t want anyone to have enough of these moments to excel at the application piece, but the reality is you will hit difficult times and so having them as part of your toolbox can only help.

Helps you learn who your trusted friends are

I have a small number, and I mean below 10, of people in my life I trust with all of me. The people I trust to give me the difficult truth and help me through managing my response. The people I know who are always there to support and don’t have an agenda, or want anything from me for being in my life. When I was younger, like many of us, I thought it was nice to be popular, to have a long list of people I thought of as friends. It’s taken me time to realise that I have friends, and then I have the people I can call at the darkest and worst times in my life who would catch a flight to wherever I was and just give me a hug if that was what I needed. The people who would answer the phone if I needed them to at 3am and just listen to me cry it out. I am so grateful for these people, but you often only work out who’s who during the dark times.

Gives you an opportunity to review priorities

It is very easy to get into a vibe and just carry on down a pathway that you set your mind to without ever taking the time to review. This is especially true for healthcare careers, where you decide in your early 20’s the pathway of professional and educational development you will follow for the next 20 years. As you are going through difficult times and learning who you are however, it is also a good time to decide whether this is what you want any more? Is it worth the challenge? Is it worth the fight? Is it worth the energy you are putting in to keep going? Every time I’ve been through this exercise the answer has come back yes to the general sense of direction. I have come to a different conclusion about different components of the whole though.  I’ve quit committees and other commitments, where the answer has come back as no. All to enable me to put more time and energy into the things have come back as yes. Not everything works at every phase, and so bad times give you an opportunity to drop those things that no longer serve your inner purpose.

Makes you focus on what is important

Dropping things leads me onto my next thought. Once you have reviewed yourself and your priorities the next question I ask myself is ‘what do I need to survive this?’. What are the important keystones of your life that you can focus on in order to ride out what is going on.  Sometimes what you need are big things and big changes. Sometimes the thing you need is just something that will get you through the moment of struggle. For example, there are days where what I need more than anything in the world is to lie on my sofa with the lights out, the patios doors open, and to just listen and watch while the rain pours. It’s been something that calms my soul since childhood, where I would gather a duvet and sit on a swing wrapped up and warm while the rain fell all around me. It depends on the situation and the moment.

My responses to the hard moments have a tendency, in general, to be more insular. Some people, in these difficult circumstances, become extraverted and focus on spending time with people, be it for distraction or support. I tend to want to  reduce my exposure to the outside world and outside stimulus, and retreat to my safe space, being at home in my castle with Mr Girlymicro. I want to pull up the drawbridge and immerse myself in things that will distract my mind, like movies and games, or calm my soul, until I’m forced to re-engage with the outside. There’s a lot to be said for understanding yourself enough to know what aids you when the world feels like it is crumbling around you. These moments can remind you of what you value, and the self care that you perhaps should have been doing more of.

Aids in future planning

I talked earlier about how being conscious of the decisions and things you prioritise during hard times in order to learn more about yourself, but I think it also goes beyond that. Bad times can provide moments where you can thoroughly review your life and start to refresh your thinking about who and where you want to be when you come out the other side. When the world is so shaken you lose your centre, it’s an opportunity to find a new balance that will enable you to strike out in a new direction when the clouds do eventually clear.

I often struggle to live in the moment. Even more so when I don’t like the moment that I am in. In order to escape the reality of where I’m at I will play with dreaming of different futures, like some people imagine outfits I imagine where I could be. If I find one that speaks to me I think ‘what do I need to find my route forward?’ ‘What could lead me there?’ Obviously a lot of this is just release via dreaming, but sometimes things stick and it can change how I plan my next steps. This is how I decided on writing a pathology murder mystery series when I retire, and how I’m even taking steps now to prepare for that aspiration as I pootle along in my everyday life. Using this method to review and map your ambitions can be a helpful use of your time, not just an escape.

Reminds you of what you are grateful for

As dear Taylor says ‘If you never bleed you’re never gonna grow.’  Growth is hard and sometimes unwelcome, but if we want to be better it is inevitably something that needs to happen. That said, we need something to get us through, and if I had to sum it up, that thing is gratitude. It’s remembering through the maelstrom who we are and what we value. Different people are grateful for different things but, for me, in terms of the big stuff, it always comes down to family.  My family by blood, and my chosen family. Both of whom will be with me no matter what.

As for the smaller and everyday, during the pandemic friends of mine went out of their way to send me little gifts.  A teacup to have my favourite tea in. A bottle of gin or champagne so I could enjoy what little down time I got. Many of those items sit on my dresser in the kitchen and remind me to be grateful. It’s often not the large gestures that stay with us, but the small things that remind us we are in peoples thoughts. The moments that remind us that we are seen by others, so we don’t succumb to feeling invisible in our gloom. Whatever you are grateful for though, make sure you pay it forward when you can, so your things can sit in someone else’s kitchen and remind them they matter.

Helps make you ready for what comes next

I wanted to finish with a reminder that getting through the hard times prepares us for the future. If you take on the learning, about yourself and others, you will walk out of that storm a better, more prepared person than when you entered it. There will be a future that will be brighter because of the darkness you’ve lived through it. That doesn’t make what you are experiencing right now better, it doesn’t make it fair, but sadly life is like that. What it enables you to end up being is a more defined version of yourself. A person who knows who you are and what you want. Hopefully a person who is able to go after those things. It can also help you to be a person who now knows what you don’t want, and what you are prepared to let go of carrying in order to improve your life. That too is a different kind of bonus.

When I’m deep in the darkness I tell myself if I can find my ‘second star to the right, and just keep on till morning’ I too will find my way out of the storm and end up where I want to be.

All opinions in this blog are my own

Practicing My ‘It’s Lovely to be Considered Face’: Why we should celebrate all the moments, not just the successes

girlymicro General, Healthcare Science , , , , , , , ,

Today, I’m at the Advancing Healthcare Awards, as I’ve been shortlisted for an award from the Academy of Healthcare Science. It’s so lovely to be considered, especially as this nomination was linked to this blog, and it’s the first time I’ve ever been considered for something linked to Girlymicro. That obviously means an awful lot. In all honesty I’m highly unlikely to win, and that is nothing to do with modesty. If you don’t know the other people listed below, they are all pretty epic, and I think are much more aligned with the judging category.

The thing is for me, it’s not about the winning, it’s about sharing in the success of others, and that’s what I’m really looking forward to. Now, you may roll your eyes at me, and say that I am just saying that as everyone wants to win. I acknowledge that I won’t refuse the award if offered, but I can genuinely say that I’m OK to be the person that cheers loudly for others. I’m lucky enough to have won a number of awards in my time, and I’m even more fortunate to have been considered for many more.

At the start, I really did think it was about the winning, but over the years my appreciation of just being in the room has grown. Now, I consider the fact that someone has given their precious time to nominate me the real win. Time is the thing that no one has a lot of, and for someone to use it on something for me means the absolute world. This isn’t just true for awards, however, my point of view and how I celebrate has changed for most things, from grant writing and papers, to goals in my personal life. Doing my PhD, and writing my PhD thesis, really caused me to actively think about what works for me. So, I thought on a day like today I would share my thinking in case it helps others.

What success looks like feels different at different times

As I’ve said above, I haven’t always had the same attitude to marking progress and success as I have now. I think undertaking a PhD, and trying to make my way as a clinical academic, where so much of what happens results in failure, really caused me to actively think about how I maintained my motivation and marked progress. This is especially true for long terms goals, including those career milestones which occur over years rather than months, and where there are likely to be a lot of peaks and troughs along the way.

It’s important to also know that success feels different at different moments in life. There have certainly been times in recent years where the successes I’ve marked have not been about the big things. They haven’t been about winning large amounts of grant funding or awards. My successes have been about getting through the week, and to be honest, sometimes they have been about getting through the day. The pandemic hit me hard and I think I’m still in recovery mode. At these times, for me, it’s about finding and celebrating the small wins and setting myself small targets, in order to feel like I’m still moving forward.

If you only celebrate the successes you miss out

I wish I’d learn to change my attitude to success earlier. I feel like, in hindsight, I missed out on enjoying some of the journey of my career by being so target focused, and only appreciated the big mile stones. I’ve always been the same though. When I was at uni or doing my A-levels, I was so focused on getting through the exams, I never had the energy to go out and celebrate afterwards with everyone else. I would just go home and crash out. Making the shift to celebrating the steps along the way has made such a change to my perfectionism by making me appreciate the building blocks it takes to achieve. I also think it has made me a better mentor, supervisor and leader, as I now encourage others to do the same. Don’t just celebrate when you get a paper accepted. Celebrate when you have finished writing it and you are ready to submit. Celebrate getting a first draft of your thesis written, not just the day that you pass. Celebrate completing a section of your training portfolio, not just the day you get the completion certificate. Celebrate the fact that you have done the work, shown up and made the effort. Not just the outcome, about which you may have little control.

Acknowledge the work done

There are days when you will not achieve. That is just the reality. There will be days when you stare at the screen and manage to eek out 300 words, rather than finding your rhythm and getting down 2000 plus. To try to persuade yourself otherwise will just set you up for failure. It’s important to work out where the benchmark for celebration is, and also to match the reward to the benchmark. For me, some days that’s rewarding myself with a bubble bath if I finish a blog post early enough to make the time. Some days, it’s saying if I can make it through the next 30 minutes of meetings I’ll reward myself with a biscuit and a cup of tea. Other days, it will be that I can buy myself the dress I want if I can get back to running a continuous 5K. Not everything is worthy of a reward, in my world, I still have to set and meet a target. It’s just that target gets flexed these days based on the reality I find myself in. I still have to do the work, there is no free pass.

Marking progress in any form is worthwhile

The reason I now adjust my benchmarks is that I’ve learnt the value of movement, and not being paralysed by the size of the task ahead or the pressure I’ve placed upon myself. If you only celebrate the big moments, the end points, then in the times in-between it can be easy to feel like this movement doesn’t exist, as it’s harder to realise the progress you are making. This could just be me, but there is so much value to psychologically feeling like you have momentum. That even if the way up the hill is slow and painful, you are still getting closer to the summit. There’s a figure banded around that only 20% of grant submissions are successful. Most of the essays that get submitted will not get A’s, and for every successful interview candidate there will be multiple people that don’t get the job. If you don’t acknowledge and notice the progress it is easy to get overwhelmed by the failures. So mark progress where it happens so that you don’t just see the ‘no’s’.

There is always value in feeling seen

I’ve written before about all the reasons I think it is important to nominate others for awards. A lot of the reasons why you should nominate for awards also hold true for putting people forward for other opportunities, such as membership of committees, or inclusion on grants and papers. It can feel very lonely when you are carving out a path for yourself, especially if you are not following a well trodden path. Nominating and putting others forward can help them feel recognised, but the same is also true for you. Opening ourselves up to risk of failure, of not being chosen, or receiving feedback that may not be glowing can be hard. The thing is, this is how you build networks and get seen. This is how your name gets known. You may not get that opportunity, but it may be that the panel remember you for a future one where you may be more suited. This one comes back to celebrating the things that are in your power to control. You have control over the submission, over the putting yourself out there. You don’t have control over how your attempt lands (other than making sure you put in the work), or who you are competing against. So the success to celebrate here is the courage it took to take a chance, and step out of your comfort zone. Celebrate rolling the dice on yourself.

Feedback can be the greatest gift

I’ve received some pretty hard core feedback in my time, everything from ‘you contribute negligibly to infection prevention and control’ to ‘there does not appear to be anything that demonstrates this applicant has anything exceptional or above average for their future career trajectory’. I’ve had documents returned covered in red, comments about the fact that I can’t write, and grant rejections where I’m pretty sure they didn’t even open the form, despite the fact I’d sacrificed 6 months of my life to complete it. Needless to say, it is these comments I remember rather than any of the ones that said anything positive or nice about my submissions.

Now, I’m not saying that I celebrate the harsh ones right away, I permit myself a period of processing. This period of processing is easier and shorter if I’ve allowed myself to celebrate the work it took to get the submission in. After this period of processing/mourning, however, I make an active choice to go through and find the learning. I find the commentary that is based in fact, no matter how uncomfortable. The commentary that is actionable, and I reflect on how to make the change/improvement. I try to learn how to be better for next time. I then celebrate my engagement with the process. It may not be a party. It may be a ‘thank god that’s done’ drink, but I mark it. I mark the learning and I mark the fact that I had the courage to do the work that was hard/unpleasant. Celebration shouldn’t just be about joy. For me, it’s about acknowledgement of significant moments, and that includes failure as long as there’s learning.

Any journey worth taking is filled with moments of tantalising closeness

Traditionally, success is often seen as moving from point A to point B. In reality, in my experience, success is more like a series of concentric circles where improvement is cumulative, and often based on iterative improvement. Therefore any journey actually has a lot of near misses with success before success actually occurs. It’s actually important to notice when these near misses occur, rather than just discounting them as failures. These near misses represent huge steps of progress in themselves, and therefore deserve to be acknowledge as an important part of the journey. Not least because, by celebrating them, it can make it easier to take on and include the learning they provide, rather than discounting them as just another failure. The lens through which we see these moments can have a direct impact on how quickly we move from near miss to direct strike. Attitude is everything, and so make sure you embrace these as the opportunities they really are.

Sometimes the moments between successes can be protracted

There are things in life and professional practice that are the work of years, rather than weeks or months. Even if a project is over months, there can be moments when it is hard going. Writing a big report can feel soul destroying when you are on draft 54 and everyone has given conflicting feedback. Undertaking a professional portfolio can just be draining when you can’t get anyone to give you the time needed to sign off competencies or review sections. Then there are things like a PhD which run over years and are comprised of numerous stages, all of which are likely to rely on other people at various points, or to practice skills you are only just learning. All of this means the time from commencement to completion can be long, causing relying on internal motivation alone to be pretty hard going. By acknowledging that these bigger pieces of work are comprised of segments, and celebrating completion of these parts instead, can enable you to visualise progress made as well as to celebrate the learning gained along the way. It can also help you to regain momentum when you lose it.

The real learning occurs long before the end point

Talking about celebrating learning, this is an important point for me. It’s taken me a while to really stop and reflect on what ‘success’ really means. For a long time if you’d asked me I would have said it was the completion of something, but I’m not sure I would any more. The certificate at the end, or the gateway is symbolic of that completion, but for me now it’s more symbolic of the learning and change that occurred within me as part of the process. It’s the hard won changes, in either knowledge or outlook, that have been gained that are the real marker of change linked to the activity. This learning happens as you are involved in the process, and there is normally a fairly steep learning curve at the start. It therefore makes less and less sense to me to just celebrate at the end. Celebrating during the toughest moments, where the maximum learning is being gained, no matter where along the process that occurs, now makes the most sense. For me, success is getting to the point where I feel I do something better than I did before, be that decision making, leadership, or a practical skill, and so I celebrate when these breakthroughs occur, rather than relying entirely on an external evaluation of my progress.

Share the moments

This photo was taken at another Advancing Healthcare Awards lunch, many years ago. You can see all the smiling faces of people still involved in my life even now. The thing is, I didn’t win, but that is not what I remember about the day. I remember a glorious afternoon and evening with people that I admire and care about. I remember laughing so hard that one of us fell over. I know that we still talk about that day even now. I don’t even remember what I was nominated for, because it is the people I remember, not the lack of a win.

All of this is to say, it is the people in our lives that make life worth it. It is the people who pick us up and put us back together. It is the people that celebrate our successes and cheer us on. So why would I want to have less of that, and restrict my access to these moments. Share the joy, share the progress, and share the moments that matter in making us who we are. Life is short, so seize it.

All opinions in this blog are my own

Celebrating The People That Make It Worthwhile: Taking a moment to appreciate the positive people in our lives

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Being present on social media or even listening to the news right now can be hard and take me into a pretty dark head space. It’s easy to write negative posts as a result of this head space and to give energy to the people or situations that make life challenging, or who make us feel badly about ourselves. Those people get to spend enough free time in my mind, however, without me giving them more air time or more of my energy than they already have. So, in the spirit of active rebellion, let’s turn the world around and talk about the people who do deserve the energy and recognition. The ones who give liberally, support unconditionally, and act as the cheer leaders that we all need in our daily lives to just get through the week. Let’s focus on the good rather than being drawn into the dark.

Thank you to the people who catch us when we spiral

We all know that I have a strong tendency to spiral, especially linked to event triggered anxiety. I’ve written about it before. I wanted to take a moment to thank those people out there who recognise and actually help flag to me when I’m spiralling, as sometimes it can take me some time to even notice the deterioration in my thinking. Just recognising that you have fallen into that head space can be challenging, but recognition is the first step in managing and exiting the spiral.

The second reason having ‘spiral friends’ is super helpful is that I have a very very small list of friends who I can call (and they can call me) and say ‘I’m in a spiral’. We then support each other by talking through the source of the anxiety, the validity of the anxiety, and if there are any actions that are valid/required. People who take time out to talk through and validate responses when needed and dispel irrational thinking as required, give the greatest gift in terms of time and support.

To the people who listen to the repetitive statements until we’ve worked through our process

I not only have a tendency to spiral, but to sometimes get stuck in my thinking. When I’m fixated on something, I can be one of the most annoying people in the world to be around. Becoming hyper focussed is one of my greatest gifts, as it means that I can just sit down and write 5000 words or focus for hours at a time. It’s also one of my greatest curses, as when that fixation falls onto something that I have no control over or is more of an emotional block, it can be really challenging to stop that focus becoming an unhelpful fixation.

When I fixate on something I just can’t let it go. I have to process my way through it. Sadly for those around me that processing tends to take the form of a very repetitive conversation cycle, whilst I try to talk my way through the weeds I have gotten caught up by. This means, for Mr and mummy Girlymicro, and my besties, they get stuck also having to have these conversations with me. On repeat. I do eventually get to the point where I come out the other end, but I know it would be easier for everyone around me if I could just put it in a box and move on without the thorough exploration this process requires. So thank you for your patience and generosity with your time, I know you all have other things to do and I owe you a lot of champagne in return.

To those who love us, not grudgingly, but because they truly accept our imperfections

Having just read the last two paragraphs it should come as no shock at all that I am far from perfect. I annoy myself sometimes, let alone anyone else. The thing is, I have some people in my world that truly love me. They don’t love me despite my flaws. They love me because of them. They love all I am, despite how challenging that person can be. Knowing that is the most empowering thing I can wish for someone. It makes me feel safe enough to express and face my fears. It empowers me to share my failures, challenges and learning, through things like this blog. It is my greatest hope for all of you that you also find your people who make you feel this way, whether they are your family by blood or by choice. These people enable us to be the best versions of ourselves, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Shout out to those who truly embrace difference as a positive

Humanity is tribal. Most primates are. That means that we can have a tendency to like people who act like us and hold similar values. The thing is, our diversity and difference is what makes us stronger, and should be something that is embraced rather than suffered. As someone who holds a rather weird and wonderful mind, that may not process and see the world in the same way as others, I sometimes really feel how I am seen at ‘other’. I often just don’t fit in and, even more than that, I frequently want to walk a path that is not valued or trodden by others. There are people out there, who rather than being baffled or thrown by this approach, fully embrace it and what this difference offers. Instead of trying to make me fit into a box that doesn’t feel comfortable, they support and encourage the risk taking that is required to walk my own path. They do not find my difference a challenge or a threat, but an inspiration and a positive trait. They see value in me as me, and that is not so common. These people are the ones that have the ability to change the world by expanding acceptance and re-defining normal. We need to find them, honour them and celebrate their vision.

Thank you to those who remind of our strengths rather than focusing on our flaws

Part of learning and growing as an individual is having the self reflection to understand our flaws as well as our strengths. It’s easy to lose perspective, as our area of change is often linked to the things we want to fix, to the extent that out flaws loom large and we forget about the strength side of the equation. Many of us are perfectionists who struggle to come to terms with the fact that we are, and always will be, a work in progress. It is also easy, therefore, to lose sight of how far we’ve come and to just see how far we have yet to go. So, this one is a shout out to the people who help us re-focus, and bring back into perspective all that is positive about ourselves. The ones who help us bench mark that, actually, we’re doing OK.

To those people who will hold us while we cry it out

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve felt judged for this and when I’ve received comments such as ‘you’re too emotional to be a leader’ or other judgements that indicate you cannot be emotionally expressive and be good at your job. Comments that indicate empathy or emotional intelligence may actually be a risk rather than something to be developed. For a long time this meant that I tried not to fully engage or bring that part of myself to my working life, to try to be more remote and not express how I was feeling. Now, I’m not saying we should scream and shout, but I do think that I am a rounded individual who is not a robot, and neither are the people I work with. Therefore, to be my authentic self I need to acknowledge that I come with feelings, beliefs and biases, which need to be noted and managed, but also make me a better human being if handled appropriately.

Outside of work especially, I’m such a crier. I weep at movies, I cry with both sadness and joy, and don’t get me started on my behaviour at weddings. I am so grateful to have friends and family who allow me to safely experience all the peaks and troughs of these emotions, and know that a box of tissues or three may be required if we are going to Les Misérables.

I am beyond grateful to those who give us courage to be the true versions of ourselves

Speaking of my emotional side brings me onto authenticity. When I started my job I wouldn’t talk about being a gamer. I wouldn’t talk about movies, or other things that interested me, as people would comment ‘geek’ and roll their eyes. Over the years since I’ve realised how important it is to fully show up, and to bring my whole self to spaces, especially when in a leadership role. If I don’t lead the way, how can I expect others to. It’s not always easy however. Sometimes the comments cut deeper when they are made at our authentic selves rather than at a protective shell. It can be easier for others to try and bring us down when we offer so much of ourselves as a target. There are definitely times when I just want to retreat into my shell and take the easy road.

Even when writing these blog posts, there are times when it would be easier to hide from some of the challenges, especially when there are comments made linked to my choices. I stand by those choices however, I stand by sharing the highs and the lows, and by showing my flaws as well as my strengths. It takes courage some days. Some days more than I have available. So I want to say how grateful I am to those of you who lend me courage on days when I lack it. I look back on the many of the positive comments on this blog when I start to doubt myself, and use them to give me clarity and strength to move forward when it might be easier not to.

No matter how hard it gets, if you can find these people in your life it’s worth fighting for

It took me a long time to feel (mostly) comfortable in my own skin, and so much of that progress has been due to me finding the people in my life who told me that it was OK to be me. I’m fortunate to have a great family by blood, but I also have key members who are my family by choice. No matter where you find them, treasure them. In these difficult times, when the world can feel like you could be swallowed by quick sand any second, use them to anchor you. Use them to reflect. Ask, will this matter in 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years? Use them to help gain the perspective you need to pull yourself up and get out there to fight the good fight and stand up for what’s right. Just don’t forget to also thank them for the amazing role they have in your world and pay it forward so you can be that same person for others. The world is always darkest before the dawn, so lets get through this time together.

All opinions in this blog are my own

Sorry, Not Sorry: The challenges of being an anxious apologiser

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I’ve been finding myself in a bit of a hole recently where my first response to anything, and the first words out of my mouth, are always an instinctive ‘I’m sorry’. Whether I have done something wrong or not, whether someone is accusing me of something or not, I just can’t get the words ‘I’m sorry’ not to be the first ones that immediately leap to my lips. Now, owning when you need to apologise is a really important thing. The thing is, that there are a lot of consequences to unnecessary and anxious apologising that I don’t think we necessarily recognise. After all, what does it matter if we say sorry too much? No one is hurt by the words ‘I’m sorry’. Is that true though? After a particularly anxious weekend last week I spent some time thinking about how apologising too much can actually be a leadership issue, and what steps you can take to reduce the downsides if this is something you are impacted by, like me.

It can make you come across as weak

Leadership can be challenging at the best of times, but in a resource limited setting with competing pressures, it can feel more challenging than ever. Those you are leading need to feel secure in your direction of travel and protected in your leadership.

Despite authenticity being important, being an anxious apologiser can come over as weakness and something that can be exploited by others.  It can come over as not owning your time, boundaries, responsibilities, or actions.  Worse than that, it can also make those you lead feel more uncertain, depending on the context of the apology. Owning up to mistakes and proportionate apologies are great, inappropriate ones, very much less so.

Makes setting boundaries more challenging

One of the things that I am super aware of is that my anxious apologies make boundary setting less easy. I am allowed to take time off sick or to be on holiday, I should not feel the need to apologise for it. Doing so makes others feel less able to also take the time they are owed. I am an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. In many ways, I believe that makes me a better leader. I, therefore, need to stop apologising for trying to be myself rather than attempting to fit some predetermined mould. If I don’t feel I can be authentic, it makes me a lesser leader and means others will also feel like they need to hide who they are.

You may accept culpability even when you don’t

Another thing about anxious apologise is that your immediate response can end up making it look like you are taking responsibility for something which you actually aren’t. A recurrent example of this one, for me, is when someone takes action and ignores advice/guidance, and I end up apologising for not providing sufficient clarity. In reality, it was up to the individual to seek additional clarity if required, not for me to be psychic and try to predict their actions. Just one example of an easy trap to fall into.

It can make genuine apologies feel less authentic

This is a big one for me. If you apologise all the time, as an auto response, it can make those moments when you choose to do so consciously feel like it has less impact for the person receiving it. Making sure those moments where you need to own your actions and learning are undertaken with sufficient thoroughness helps, but avoiding using apologies as punctuation is a longer-term change.

You may end being annoying to be around

Speaking as someone who does this a lot, I hear from many of my friends just how annoying it is. A favourite quote of Mr Girlymicro to me when I get in a particular space where I constantly need to be told it’s OK is ‘stop apologising, it’s a sign of weakness’ from the film Little Miss Sunshine. It makes me laugh every time and reminds me of how much the required back and forth is an energy drain on everyone involved. Take a deep breath and step away from the spiral, and acknowledge the costs you are placing in others.

May make your leadership confusing

Another way that anxious apologies can make your leadership confusing it that they can work to actively derail trains of thought. They can end up de-railing conversations, so they become all about a single thing rather than the original focus of the discussion. They can make your communication less clear and end up meaning that key points are obscured, or worst of all, forgotten by all involved. As clear communication is a key foundation of good leadership, this is good for no one.

Conversations that are not about you can pivot

I had a moment last week when I got hit from out of the blue with an emotional response to a conversation.  This meant that a conversation that should have been about me offering support, guidance, and clarity, became all about the people involved comforting me. This is a disastrous thing to have happen. My immediate response is then to apologise more for letting it occur, but this then drives the cycle. Stepping away from it. Knowing you should do better and reflecting with yourself why it occurred is the only real remedy you can offer.

So, how can we do things differently?

Acknowledging that this is not a healthy habit or coping strategy is a start, but what we actually do about it in order to do it less or limit the impacts on our leadership?

Listen to your frequency

One of the primary actions is to be aware of the frequency of your anxious apologies. For me, at least, this isn’t an always-on/always-off thing. It comes in waves depending on other things that are happening and my general levels of anxiety or confidence dips. Knowing when you are going through a bad patch enables you to focus some resource on reduction, especially in risky or high stakes moments. Doing the constant apologising at home may be annoying. Doing it in the wrong situation at work could have much bigger consequences.

Be aware, especially during high stakes moments

There are moments, for both you and your leadership, where being perceived as weak or accepting ownership when you don’t, can have significant impacts. In these moments it’s crucial to be aware of where your head is at and your tendency to undertake this behaviour. These high stakes moments tend to also be high risk moments, so if you apologise as a stress response, you are even more likely to fall into an apology during these encounters.

In order to help with this, one of the main things I try to do is just take a beat before I open my mouth. Those of you who know me probably know this isn’t my strongest skill. Mouth open, should be shut. At times like these, though, it is so important. That breath allows me to sense check my response and remove the work ‘sorry’ from my automatic vocabulary. It allows me a moment to try and re-phrase my immediate thoughts or dialogue to make it more in line with my core meaning. It helps me avoid throwing myself and others into an unnecessary bear pit.

Don’t let others take advantage

It is also worth remembering that it is not just you that notices this behaviour. In the past I had a colleague, who was perhaps not my biggest fan, who I realise in hind sight would almost set me up in scenarios to take advantage of my tendency to accept responsibility readily. If your apologies do come across as a sign of weakness, and you work in a high competition environment, then this is a risk. Taking time to understand how others respond to your anxiety trait (irritated, sympathetic, exploitative, etc) is an important part of learning how to manage your own behaviour. Know when to bite your tongue and stay silent despite all of your instincts telling you otherwise.

Try to embed change

One of the easiest ways (although still far from easy) to manage this tendency is to try to find other ways to respond. Ways that still allow you to feel you have responded but that are less likely to be interpreted as you taking ownership all the time. Embedding these changes consistently, even if you are going through a particularly bad spell, can make it easier. Language is a learnt response, and much of it is based on habit. Getting into a space where you only apologise consciously for things that actually require it is a habit worth gaining.

I’m still not good at this. I think it’s an area of constant improvement. I have found it is easier to try and embed this shift in written communication first, and then it comes a little easier with verbal reinforcement later. Just take it one conversation at a time and see what works best for you.

Find trusted friends

For me, one of the best ways I have to manage this is to find my people, my trusted friends. There are two main reasons for this. One, Mr Girlymicro loves me enough to cope with me apologising, me talking about apologising, and me agonising about whether I need to apologise, for the hours it sometimes takes to get me to work through what is going on, and to then move past it. I also have some key people in my life who I know I can text and be ‘this happened, do I need to worry’, and who I 100% trust in their response to guide my actions. The second area where I find these people really useful in my life is that they will flag to me, when I lack the self awareness to notice, when I’m starting to increase my anxious apologising, so that I can be more aware of my own emotional state and the impact it is having. Knowing that others have your back, and can support you, even when you are not aware that you need support, is a real gift in this life and if you have access to those people make sure you hear what they have to say.

Be OK with not always getting it right

You are not going to get this right all the time. There are times in my life when I don’t manage to get it right even most of the time. Treat yourself with the grace that you would give to others. Anxious apologising is driven by, guess what, anxiety. Don’t drive your anxiety further by diving deeper into the rabbit hole and stressing about things you can’t control. It happened. You may be able to fix it, you may not. Nothing is to be gained by stressing about it, and the best cure for some of that anxiety is to take action if you calmly decide there is an action to be taken. The irony of me writing these words is in no way lost on me, as I can never stop the resulting panic, that doesn’t mean that the logical part of my brain does not acknowledge that it is the right move however. Try choosing grace over guilt whenever possible, as you will be a better person as a result.

Invest your energy based on circumstance

Having acknowledged that you won’t get it right all the time, a key thing is to know when you MUST get it right, or when to invest energy in order to bring your best self. We’ve talked about being aware of your high risk moments, and if you only have a certain level of energy resource to invest, then this is where to choose to spend what you have. When I’m working through a significant anxious period I can’t keep it together at all times, I just don’t have that level of cognitive resource. I have to have my safe people who I can spend time with, so I have periods where I can just let myself be and work through how I’m feeling. I also tend to stay away from people or situations who I don’t need to interact with at that time and tend to make me feel less safe/triggered, in order to not fuel the situation I find myself in. No matter what is going on, trying to be self aware enough that you make good decisions to help yourself through is definitely worth the resource requirement.

Don’t forget to deal with the underlying drivers

At the end of the day, however, it’s important to remember that anxious apologising is a symptom and not the cause. It’s really easy to focus on the symptom that is taking up you energy and cognitive space, when really we need to be stepping back and seeing what is driving the current situation. In my case, it’s often when I’ve not recognised that my health is not great and anxiety is often secondary to flares, lack of sleep and generalised discomfort. That said, I am also of an age where being peri-menopausal is definitely a thing, and my hormones are definitely writing their own story right now, with little input from me. Whatever the reason, making sure that you try to understand what is driving you means that you can start to focus on the root cause of the problem, not just react to the moment, giving you both actionable intel and hopefully a way out of the way you are feeling. None of this stuff is easy, but know that you are not alone in managing it or finding a way forward. If you need one, I’m always happy to be your safe space.

All opinions in this blog are my own

Leadership: In the words of Wicked ‘It’s All About Popular’, or is it?

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With the news of the Oscar nominations for Wicked Part 1 coming out, I thought  it was finally time to dust off this post that has been languishing in draft for over a year. I guess it will surprise none of you dear readers, that I am something of a musicals fan and Wicked is one of my favourites. I saw it for the first time on honeymoon in New York with Mr Girlymicro and knew very little about it going in. Whilst watching it, the song Popular rapidly became one of mine and Mr Girlymicro’s favourite tunes (alongside What Is This Feeling?).

The words have always triggered something in me in terms of thinking about leadership, especially the line ‘It’s not about aptitude, it’s the way you’re viewed’. With everything going on in the world right now, it feels like a really important concept to explore. Is leadership all just really all about being popular? And what does that actually mean?

When I see depressing creatures
With unprepossessing features
I remind them on their own behalf
To think of
Celebrated heads of state
Or specially great communicators!
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don’t make me laugh!
They were popular!
Please!
It’s all about popular
It’s not about aptitude
It’s the way you’re viewed
So it’s very shrewd to be
Very very popular
Like me!

What’s makes someone popular?

I’d like to start this by saying that I don’t really think I would know what makes someone popular from first principles. If I was in a 90s school based movie, like Mean Girls or Clueless, I would definitely be the girl who hides out in the library rather than being an IT girl or one of the popular kids. So, I’m probably not coming from a position of expertise on this one. I have however put those library skills to use and come up with this from those with greater expertise:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/worklife/article/20171106-popularity-at-work-still-matters-whether-we-like-it-or-not

This popularity doesn’t just impact how we interact with others, it also impacts how we are treated, opportunities that we are offered, and helps reduce negative emotions linked to social rejection. This may seem self evident but it is also backed up by research with one study defining popularity as ‘generally accepted by one’s peers’.

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How we are perceived by others can, therefore, definitely impact on our working lives and likability, or popularity. Whilst how we are liked one on one is referred to as inter-personality, popularity is determined at the group, rather than the individual level, and is related to a person’s ability to make others feel valued, included, and happy on a more general level. The question is………is all popularity therefore about making others happy, and is leadership therefore all about attempting to make the most people happy in the widest possible way? Does getting ahead professionally mean that you need to be part of the ‘in crowd’ in order to succeed.

Is it all about people pleasing?

If you’ve seen Wicked, there is a great scene where The Wizard talks about how he wants to be seen. A lot of the plot across the entire musical is about superficial appearances rather than the ‘truth’. A lot of sub-par decision making within the plot is hidden behind the mask of popularity, and poor leadership is permitted because of the wide spread popularity of those making the choices.

I’ve written previously about the challenges of being a people pleaser and how it is impossible to please everyone. One of the challenges, in terms of leadership, is that if popularity is considered to be the way forward, in terms of being a good leader, you will be forced to chase good opinion rather than focusing on strategic or other vision. It also inevitably leads to your leadership being less and less authentic as you try to follow, not your central ethos, but a diluted version based on the perceived views of others.

What are the advantages of being civil?

So am I saying that it is not necessary to be nice? Just being ‘nice’ is often considered to actually be a disadvantage within work place settings, it is often good for making friends in a 1:1 setting, but as I’ve said popularity is determined on the group rather than the individual level. Within this context being nice or perceived as ‘warm’ can actually have a negative impact on careers, as warmth is often considered to be inversely associated with competence i.e. you can’t be nice and good at your job. According to Porath (2015), being seen as considerate may actually be hazardous to your self-esteem, goal achievement, influence, career, and income. So being nice alone is not enough. What does allow the switch from nice to being popular?

According to the same paper by Porath, it is about not being considered nice, but is actually linked to respect, and in this context civility, which comprises of both warmth and perceived competence:

“Civility is unique–—it leads people to evaluate you as both warm and competent. Typically, people tend to infer that a strength in one implies a weakness of the other. Many people are seen as competent but cold: He’s really smart . . . but employees will hate working for him. Or as warm but incompetent: She’s friendly . . . but probably is not smart. Being respectful ushers in admiration–—you make another person
feel valued and cared for (warm), but also signal that you are capable (competent) to assist them in the future.”

Civility, in this professional context, demonstrates benefits that being nice alone does not, especially in the context of leadership, where those who reported feeling respected by their leader reported 89% greater enjoyment in their work and 92% more focus. So maybe less about pop…u…lar and more about civ…..ili….ty? Or maybe they are one and the same thing?

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0090261615000595

Being able to be civil is itself a privilege

I do have quite a significant word of warning linked to this linking however and that is, is the ability to be civil linked to privilege? If being considered civil, and gaining the associated advantages, linked to not having to fight or voice unpopular opinions? Anything that requires warmth as part of the algorithm risks benefiting those who are in a position where they can court popular support, rather than feeling like they need to make a stand. Having the energy and resources to be able to invest in being seen as civil is in-itself linked to privilege. If you are working part time or under resourced, you are unlikely to have the time resource to invest in some of the relationship building needed to be identified as both warm and competent. There are also people who believe that they cannot invest because of the risks to their careers in coming off as warm without the associated benefits of being seen as competent. The costs in terms of income or self esteem are not ones that everyone can risk in case it goes wrong.

Is civility just another way of benefiting those already in positions of seniority?

Is it therefore that civility, and it’s associated popularity, are just another route that benefits those that are already in a position of privilege. Is popularity linked to status? Traditionally status is based on attention, power, influence, and visibility, rather than acceptance from peers, and so popularity may be more significant in informal vs formal leadership settings. This isn’t saying that senior leaders shouldn’t be civil, and that they shouldn’t come across as warm. It does mean that they are probably at lesser risk from the disadvantages and risks once they are in a formal leadership position, where they are able to draw upon different markers of power and visibility to gain influence. This can give the false impression that you need to be popular in order to be a senior leader, whereas the reality may be that you can afford to be popular as a senior leader as you are less at risk of any of the negative consequences of you only being viewed as part of the equation.

What is the difference between being nice and being kind?

So, I’ve talked about being nice as not always a risk free move in terms of career progression, but what about kindness? I’m a massive advocate of kindness, but sometimes I wonder if people have the same understanding of the term as I do or whether they use it as a proxy marker for other things. For instance, we often talk about kindness and niceness as if they are interchangeable, but I’ve been wondering if the difference between the 2 is where the perception of warmth vs civility (combined warmth plus competence) actually sits.

I have certainly met people who believe that being kind and supportive means always being in agreement or always saying yes, whereas I believe that this is more acting from a position of people pleasing and being nice. In contrast I believe that sometimes the kindest thing that you can do is to say no, either because you’re not in a position to deliver what they want or that saying yes would put the other person in a challenging position. Nice can often feel right in the moment, whereas kind considers the wider, and sometimes longer term, implications.

How do we manage kindness in a way that is authentic?

Being kind can be challenging as it is not always about taking the easy route, sometimes it’s about making hard choices in order to help yourself, others or the organisation, to be the best version of itself. It can challenge some of the behaviours linked to people pleasing in order to move towards authenticity in terms of interactions and leadership. For me, kindness is very much about doing the right thing instead of the easy thing, but to really deliver on your values, you need to invest the time to understand what those values are first. What do we stand for? What three words would we assign to our core descriptors of self? Knowing what your core values are enables you to have a self check benchmark to help identify when we are being nice over kind.

Where does social capital fit in here?

Obviously, civility and kindness are not the only factors that come into play in the ‘popular’ discussion.  There are all kinds of other forms of social capital that can impact on how successful we are at network building, influencing and leadership. Especially in the world of science and healthcare, expertise comes into play quite significantly, and access to funding can never be under estimated, in terms of providing leverage and empowerment.

It is always worth being aware of, and investing in, all of these different strands for long term success. Having said that, all of these also require you to have the capacity to invest. As someone who can’t have children, and therefore have greater freedom to balance my work and home life, I’m aware that I probably wouldn’t have been able to build a clinical academic career if my life had been different. If I’d had to leave on time for school pick up or had to be lead carer on the weekends, I wouldn’t have been able to publish the papers or apply for the grants required. There is inbuilt privilege in my being able to prioritise my career at times. This blog requires hours every week. Hours that I enjoy investing and which I reap the benefits of in terms of networks and connections. These are things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I needed to pick up a second job or was caring for a parent. When we ask people to have these additional pieces of capital to progress, we need to be aware that we are putting barriers in place so that not everyone can make the most opportunities. We need to make the most of the tools we have available to us, but as leaders, we also need to understand how to support people to access opportunities in a way that doesn’t disadvantage them in relation to others.

Let’s not forget that leadership is hard

I think that one of the things that it is often easy to forget is that leadership is hard, in some ways, if it’s easy you probably aren’t doing it right or stretching yourself enough. Part of leadership is making the unpopular and challenging decisions, and sometimes there are no win wins. Being popular, being considered empathetic is always a nice thing but it is not the only thing that makes your leadership successful. So is it, in the end, actually all about popular? If you were to ask me it is instead all about authenticity. The key thing, from my perspective, is to let people know who you are, connect with people as much as possible and share/co-create the vision. Then they can make informed decisions about whether to get on board the Girlymicro train or not! On this one, I may be with Elphaba.

All opinions in this blog are my own

I’m Still Learning After All These Years: My focus in 2025 is to continue my personal development journey

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It’s that time of year. The time when New Years resolutions get shared and we all try to persuade ourselves that overnight, if we just put in a bit more effort, we can change big facets of our lives. I’m becoming increasingly aware that the big gesture and external stuff is not really the space I want to be in, however. I’m fortunate to have ticked a lot of the external boxes at this point in my career, and so, in 2025, I want to focus on me and my development as a person rather than ticking another box linked to how people see me.

One of the reasons for this shift is the nature of the job, as it feels, in a post pandemic world, like I spend a lot of time in responsive mode. This becomes a habit and a way of being. Instead of running to keep up and fire fighting, however, I want to have time to experience the joy I feel when I’m learning and developing.  This is especially important as I think many of us who went through the pandemic as healthcare workers are still very much in recovery mode, and there’s a lot to still be worked through and resolved with little time to actually do so. So, rather than create a list of tasks to be measured against, my list this year is about aspirations linked to becoming. Becoming a better version of me, becoming more joyful, and re-finding some of that pre-pandemic me.

I want to have time to catch my breath

As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon, I realise how much I need time to chill and unwind at the moment. 2024 was full on, and there wasn’t a lot of respite. It feels, therefore, that I’m hitting 2025 already pretty wound up and in need of prioritising some time off the treadmill. Even at work, having just managed to get down from just under 18,000 emails to ~200 over the Christmas break, I realise I need to stop being in responsive mode and guard my time more efficiently. I need to carve out planning time, and in a more basic way, time to make tea, have lunch, or god forbid – leave on time. I’m aware of how much better I will be at my job if I can catch my breath, see through the fog and take time to develop a plan or creative approach to the problem, rather than jumping in or going for the most obvious approach. All in all, a different strategy will have all-around benefits, so I need to work better at finding a new way to manage my time.

I want to live in a positive space

I have a tendency to swing from optimism to ostriching, and whilst most of the time I’m a ‘glass is half full’ kind of girl, it sometimes takes more energy than I have at present to live in that positive space. In 2025, however, I want to have enough energy to expend to make it happen. I want to listen to the noise, criticism, and the negative inner voices less. I want to focus less on what I lack and more on what I have. It’s easy to constantly focus on our areas of required improvements instead of celebrating how far we’ve come and where our strengths lie. There is always a space to focus on improvement, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of recognising the work we’ve already done. This year, I don’t want to benchmark myself and my progress. I want to live in a space where I accept and celebrate the place I am at. For once in my professional life, I want to be satisfied with the boxes I have already ticked and live in the moment.

I want to see my ride or dies

One of the reasons I am keen to find additional spare time and not take on more is that I want to carve out more time for me. Selfishly, this is nothing to do with work, but for me as a person outside of my professional life. The main driver for this is that I spent most of 2024 in work mode, and I didn’t spend enough of it in life mode. I’ve written about how fortunate I am with some of my friends, but in 2024, I just didn’t carve out the time to spend with them. They are super cool, and would never hold it against me, but for the sake of my soul I want to spend time with the people who see me, flaws and all, and love me any way. The people who are my ‘stick by you no matter what’ friends inspire me and drive me to do better, and I will be better for prioritising spending time with them.

I want to re-find my confidence

To be honest, I don’t know if it’s being peri-menopausal, post pandemic burn out, or just work over load in general, but my confidence has definitely taken a hit. Don’t get my wrong. I’m still the same bolshie girl, but the tendency to spiral after the moment is hitting me hard. The creeping self doubt is present in a much more apparent way than it was before the pandemic. Part of me thinks it’s because I’ve been living in ‘Professor Cloutman-Green’ mode for so long rather than having enough time in my own skin as Elaine/Dream. Whatever the reason, I want to find that confident girl again. The girl who had plenty of self doubt but didn’t let that doubt overwhelm her or take over who she was. She’s still in there, but I suspect a break and a significant amount of napping will be required to persuade her to put in a more consistent appearance.

I want to create and be inspired

Some of the things I want to make time for are pretty straight forward. I want to have time to cook when I get home and enjoy doing so with Mr Girlymicro. Cooking is something we love to do together, but time restrictions in recent years have made everything a functional task rather than an enjoyable endeavour. I want to spend the weekend drinking pots of the many different types of tea we have and languidly enjoying each others company, rather than having anxiety about the list of tasks I should be undertaking just to keep up distracting me from the moment.

A very specific thing I want to do with Mr and mummy Girlymicro in 2025 is to spend time visiting museums. Great museums, weird museums, museums that no one else visits. In 2023, we visited the Met in New York, and the joy and inspiration that filled my soul has stayed with me. In 2024, we managed a few stolen moments at the V&A, British Museum, and Natural History Museum, but I have to say I want more. London is filled with niche places to visit, and I want to wander with an open mind and just take in what speaks to me in the moment. This kind of activity is food for my soul, and I’m greedy for more. Also, if you have any recommendations, hit me up in the comments or DM/email me.

I want to invest in this blog

Being inspired helps me in many aspects of my life, but one of the biggest ones is the number of ideas I get for this blog when I’m just out and about experiencing life, and not just in scientific contexts. Focusing that inspiration into a creative endeavour like this blog then leads to even more fulfilment and joy. I know I’ve been talking for a couple of years now about developing a book out of this blog, and I’m not promising it will happen in 2025, but I want to take some serious steps in moving it forward if I can. At its most basic, I want to feel like I have time to enjoy sitting down and writing rather than squeezing in stolen moments on the tube when already exhausted.

2024 delivered more reads than I could have dreamt possible, finishing the year with over 21,000 reads from over 120 countries. I can’t believe that something I thought would be seen by a handful of people is now read by so many. I want to build on that momentum. I know professional blog writers get those numbers in a month, but I’m returning here to my pledge to not bench marking against others and just to focus on measuring myself against myself to capture growth. So here is to improving year on year and to doing more of what brings us joy!

I just want more

I know it sounds greedy, but I’m not embarrassed to say it, I want more. I want to sleep, and drink tea. I want cocktails and time spent with friends. I want more cozy rainy afternoons under a blanket and getting back to reading real books, rather than only having the focus to listen to audio books. I want Sunday afternoon walks with Mr Girlymicro, talking about nothing and feeding the ducks. I want to laugh so much my chest hurts and smile so much my face aches. I want to make time for the parts of myself that aren’t linked to work and outputs and re-train my brain to not measure myself against the ‘busyness scale’. I am not the sum of what I produce and I must learn not to measure myself as such. I am so much more, and in 2025, I am OK for it to be the year of greedily wanting more and giving myself permission to need.

I need to catastrophise less

At times of high stress, and let’s be honest I feel like it’s been high stress since 2020, my brain manages that stress by running scenarios. In many ways, it is not a bad way of managing my existence. Good, bad, disaster outcomes, all run wild in my brain. The main challenge over the last few years is that that scenario running has tended more and more to the disaster scenarios taking up my bandwidth. This can make the world feel darker and more challenging than it probably is, especially if it is compared with a more objective mindset. In 2025, it’s time to put on my positive pants and try to utilise the tools I have in a more balanced way in order to not create stress and drama where no such situation exists.

I need to step off the carousel

Catastrophising means that, by it’s very nature, I’m not living in the positive space I’d like to habit. Worse than that though, it can lead to spiralling, leading to negative rabbit holes that aren’t even linked to the original trigger. I’ve posted before on what this can look like for me. This isn’t good in the moment, but it also tends to result in a lack of sleep, as this is a frequent 3am affair, and thus impact on my general well-being. Everything becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the tireder I get, the less perspective I have, the more likely I am to spiral, and therefore, get less sleep. In 2025, I want to step off both the carousel that leaves me so tired that the spirals happen in the first place, and also to step off the spirals earlier when they hit. For me, it’s focusing on using what serves me rather than being a passenger in the moment.

I need to take better physical care of myself

All of this brings me onto the fact that I just need to take better care of myself physically, as well as mentally. So much of my underlying health has suffered since the pandemic, and I have not allowed myself the recovery time that is required to really fix that. In 2025, I need more of option three in the pic below and way less of 4. I need to be more than intellectually active. I also need to find time to eat and drink in my work day. I often fail to help myself by forgetting or getting too busy to do the simple things, like taking meds. The reality is, I don’t have anyone to blame but myself, and I need to look after myself in the way that I would expect of others. It’s a simple thing, and I need to stop making life so complicated that it doesn’t happen.

I need to not make New Years Resolutions

Finally, and this is a big one for me. None of these things are New Years Resolutions. At best, I am saying that these are aspirations. I refuse to make a list that just adds yet more pressure to my every day life. I am a work in progress, and it is more than naive of me to think that I will wake up in a New Year and change who I am. I feel my habits make me more like the Titanic than a super yacht, and so any change in direction to avoid the icebergs takes time. 2025 is about self-love based on acceptance post self reflection and understanding that changing the dial is a choice that will need to be made daily. Starting the year by ignoring the noise of everyone elses’ proclamations and purely staying in my lane, whilst focused on what serves me, I think is a great way to kick off the year. I know some people find the resolution bit helpful, but I, for one, feel like celebrating the freedom I give myself by deciding not to comply with this particular tradition. Which ever way you decide works for you, I hope that 2025 brings you all of the joy and that you get what you need out of the next 12 months, and find the time to celebrate all that makes you you!

All opinions in this blog are my own

One Step. One Day. One Moment at a Time: My top ten tips for carrying on when life feels a bit too much

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This blog post is late, which seems to be a bit of a theme recently. The truth is there’s a lot going on, from a colleague passing away and auto immune flares, to mummy Girlymicro being about to re-locate. All of which have meant that I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and do the day job, let alone find the time and head space needed to get words down on this blog.

2024 was always going to be hard going. There is a lot of change. There is a whole heap of challenge. There is not enough time, people, or resource to make any of those things easier. The reality is that there is little I can do about any of these things. There is only one way, and that way is forward, but knowing that and getting there are not always the same thing. So today’s post is about how to just keep going when all you really want to do it stop.

Decide what is important

I had to cancel meetings last week as, to be honest, I was so unwell I could barely manage emails, let alone speak. It amazed me when push came to shove how many meetings I could cancel and it not have any catastrophic effect. Many of them could easily be moved by a week, and some others could just be straight out cancelled. The world did not end. It struck me then that I need to be so much better at curating my diary so that I don’t spend 8 hours a day in meetings, meaning that all my other work has to be done on evenings and weekends.

The other thing I’ve had to think quite hard about in recent months is what things am I doing because they are important to me and which things I’m doing because I’ve a) always done them, or b) they are important to other people and I’ve just passively agreed. You’d be amazed at how much a and b there is. My career has progressed at a fair amount of pace, and I have failed to do any of the spring cleaning that should probably come with that. The things I need and want to do now that I’m a professor are understandably different to what was required as an early career scientist, and yet I have carried on bringing all of that workload with me into my current post. It’s frankly unsustainable and so a re-evaluation of task list was much needed.

Become a quitter

All of which brings me to spring cleaning. I hate to break it to you, but if you are like me, you need to learn to quit. You need to quit regularly and firmly. What I mean by that is, in order to keep your sanity, you need to review the things you do and decide what purpose they still serve. I’ve failed to do this. I’ve failed to do this over a period of years. I suspect partly due to a failure to recognise that I have changed and my needs are different. Partly just because I failed to recognise that my needs were even part of the equation.  I feel very strongly about giving back to my profession and the community, and so, in general, I haven’t really included myself in any evaluation.  This is how I’ve ended up working every weekend and 14-hour days, and sadly, my body just can’t sustain it. My mind is writing checks my body cannot cash. I’ve had to quit things that I never thought I would quit, committees I’ve sat over for over a decade, just to keep my head above water. The thing is, quitting will open up that opportunity to someone else. Someone who will benefit more than I was and open me up to new opportunities when life calms down. I’m convincing myself that it is a win-win.

Confront your FOMO

I’m a fear of missing out (FOMO) addict. I’m terrified when I say no to anything that it might be the wrong decision. That it might impact my career, or my future. Partly, this is because I spent the first 13 years of my career on temporary contracts, and that lack of security means you are always needing to have multiple plans in order to stay employed and pay the bills. Partly, this is because I’m too greedy to choose a single interest and stick to it.  I want to maintain interests in my clinical work, research, and education. You can’t do everything in all areas, however. I couldn’t do that when things were going well, let alone now. Now, I’m having to ask myself ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’.  If I don’t go to that event, if I don’t manage that networking, if I don’t manage to post that blog, what’s the worst that can happen? Most of the time, the answer is nothing permanent or, more frequently, nothing at all. I may miss out on the odd opportunity,  but at the moment, I’m having  to turn down a lot of those anyway. So hard conversations are being had with my brain where I have to challenge both my FOMO and associated anxiety.

Try to live in the moment

One of the reasons that I think I experience FOMO so badly is because I’m always looking to the future. I always have a plan. It’s how I’ve managed to survive the uncertainty of the Healthcare Science progression pathway. It’s how I’ve managed to end up in my dream job, that didn’t really previously exist. The problem with this is that when you remove things and impact the ability to plan then my stress levels go through the roof. Uncertainty and a lack of control, or ability to impact can make everything feel overwhelming, leading to me spiralling. It also means that I struggle to feel peace or achievement in the moment. Right now though, I need to deliberately move from staring at the horizon to spending more time looking at my feet. Getting through each day, each moment, for what it is, be that good or bad. Knowing that the next moment will be different and I will deal with it as it arrives. Accepting that the future is uncertain and concentrating on the concrete of the now.

Accept failure

A wise Consultant once told me that the best advice he was given when he got his first post was to become comfortable with failure.  I cannot express how true I find this statement. Right now, keeping on top of everything is quite literally impossible. There are not enough hours in the day, even if I was in a position to just push through and work 20 hours a day. Failure is, in fact, my only option. This is an important realisation as it empowers you to make decisions about where those failures are going to occur, rather than letting them happen naturally by living in denial. After all, not all failures are equal. Needing to write and request a review extension on a paper is not the same as missing a clinical action. Failing to get a blog out on a Friday, and instead getting it out on a Wednesday, is not the same as missing a board report deadline. It feels horrible. I reproach myself for not being able to be more efficient and do more, but I accept it because in acceptance I regain a modicum of control and ability to manage risk.

Try being kinder to yourself

The acceptance of failure and the internal disdain for the fact that this is where I’ve landed brings me to the fact that the self judgement is not a helpful additional load to bear. I hold myself to pretty high standards and the fact that I’m not meeting those is pretty difficult to process.  I keep coming back to what I would expect of a member of my team or a friend if they were going through the same set of circumstances. I would never tell them to ‘buck up and get on with it’ which is the self-talk I use. I would tell them that’s it’s OK, that they will be OK. I would tell them to give themselves a break and to deal with the things directly in front of them and ask if there was anything I could do. I would have a judgement free conversation focusing on ways forward. Those are the conversations I’m trying to learn to have with myself. Followed by some honesty about what is actually achievable and what it is that I actually need in order to keep going.

Learn to ask for help

One of the things I would immediately ask someone else if my conversations were external, rather than internal, would be ‘what can I do to help?’. Well, I’m learning to ask for help. I’m learning to use the amazing support I have around me to get meetings sorted and to remind me of what I have going on. I’m trying to ask people to cover some of those meetings that don’t specifically need me. I’m asking for some task related help or taking it up when offered. I am not a one woman army, and I need to stop acting like I am. There is no shame in asking others for support.

Forgive yourself for bad days

When I’m in a bad space, I become more demonstrably emotional, my fuse is shorter, my bandwidth is smaller, and my memory becomes pretty poor. All of these can combine to impact my performance and handling of individual scenarios. All in all, I probably become just less efficient at a time when I need to do more and be more efficient than I normally am. The combo is not great. It means the frequency with which I walk away from a day feeling like I’ve messed up increases, just what you need when struggling. Some days are just bad, whether it’s all self perception or not. This is a key point though. A lot of this is my perception and me measuring myself against my mental benchmarks. I don’t even know how much others see it. So, I’m giving myself some self-talk about putting the bad days behind me. Trying to use the ‘living in the moment’ approach and reminding myself that each new day is just that, new. It’s a fresh chance to try and do it better than the day before, and if some days work out better than others, that’s OK. I am doing what I can, and that needs to be enough.

Acknowledge there may be no alternative

The reason I have to be more forgiving of myself is that there is no alternative or better way forward right now. It takes years to train staff. You can’t just pluck them off a shelf. The built environment and its challenges take months or years to fix. A period of tight deadlines is just that, a period of time, which needs to be got through. My grief at losing a valued colleague will stabilise. All things will pass. Until they do this, this is the reality, and everything needs to continue moving forward. Acceptance of this reality is the first step in finding a way to just get through it. We all have periods in our lives and careers where there is no ‘fixing it’. It’s just about getting through it. That’s the real world, and it’s OK.

Plan for a better future

I’ve talked about being a planner, and that one of the things I’ve needed to realise is that broadly planning doesn’t help me right now. The one area in which it still does however, is planning for when life returns to normal. Planning for what I will be able to use my annual leave for. Planning for what fun things Mr Girlymicro and I will do with mummy Girlymicro whilst she’s living with us. Planning for nice things when I have the mental space to enjoy them. Non work things that have nothing to do with pressure or deadlines. Engaging in frivolous daydreaming. When the moment becomes too much, I give my brain permission to dream of a better future. My nickname is Dream after all.

I’m painfully aware that this post is all about me rather than tips and tricks, which was the original intention. I guess it was the post I needed to write right now. I hope that despite the rather ‘me’ focus, it is still useful.  I also hope that if there is anyone out there who is having a hard time right now, you will read this and feel less alone. I hope you will read this and know that’s it’s OK to have hard days. I hope that you will read this and know that good times are coming and that we just need to hang on in there. Finally, I hope that we remember, when those good times arrive, to shed our fears, stress and worries, and fully deep dive in and embrace them for all the joy they will bring. Until then, be kind to yourself and dream!

All opinions in this blog are my own

Don’t Hang on Too Tightly: Having enough faith in yourself to know there will always be another idea

girlymicro Academic Life, Healthcare Science, Leadership, Research/Academia , , ,

Someone said to me a few weeks ago that the story of my career is to ‘have good ideas and then to have them taken’. This was an interesting comment made spontaneously, and to be honest, I’ve never really thought about it in that way. So I’ve taken a few days to reflect on it as it obviously resonated enough with me to stick in my mind, and this is what I’ve landed on. We don’t own anything, at least when it comes to concepts and innovations at work, and I’d rather see any transition as a gifting than anything negative.

There will always be competing circles, hierarchies, or priorities, which means that things you developed sitting within one may be better placed or coveted by somewhere else. Workplaces are dynamic, and there is always flux. Denying that will just result in additional stress and tension. Sometimes, you just have to have a little faith. Faith that handing something off is the right thing to do, and faith in yourself that you will always have another idea or innovation, nothing is ending, this is an opportunity for new beginnings. Despite having come to terms with it now I found this very challenging early on in my career and so I thought it was worth exploring more, in case the journey I’ve been on is helpful to others in developing their own coping mechanisms for dealing with this reality.

The academic challenge

Academia is a strange and unusual world and, although I love it, it can be baffling and difficult to understand how it works, especially when you first join. When working clinically, you are generally in a scenario where you are responsible, and therefore in some way ‘own’, the results you are working with, even if you are not the one giving actionable advice. The same is often not true in an academic context. When you are starting out, your Primary Investigator (PI) has a lot of control over the work, and owns both the risk linked to any given project and the data. As a result, I think many of us have experienced a scenario where a PI has taken either our data or our ideas and utilised them without our inclusion or consent. I once found a paper that had a bunch of my data in it, interpreted incorrectly, that had been published by a Professor in my department without my knowledge. I’ve also popped in whilst I was on leave to find a different Professor going through my lab books to see my data when they were nothing to do with me.

These are extreme examples of not great behaviour, but the principle is still present. You don’t own what you produce in academia until you get to the point where you are the one who is bringing in the money that pays for the production, and even then your funder could be considered the owner. There are lots of ways to improve this, and there are plenty of people who behave better despite this scenario. It is important to understand the dynamics and drivers in order to be able to come to terms with some of the unwritten rules however. Once you have understanding, you are in a position where you can learn to navigate the challenges.

It’s less about seniority than you’d think

I used to think that the more senior I became the more I would have the freedom to own my initiatives. That I would no longer set things up to have them taken once the majority of the work had been done or the risk managed. This is true in some ways but not in quite a lot more. The last 20 years have shown me that the difference is less about seniority and more about advocacy. If you have people in the room who will challenge and speak up for you that is more important than status alone. For instance, if a project is being discussed then the meeting will hand designated responsibility for it to someone in the room. If you are not in that room, you need someone who is to go ‘Elaine has been doing a great job on this, I’ll feedback on how it’s going right now and make sure I continue support. Elaine will have more details so how about we invite her to the next meeting in order to give us an update?’. One of the problems with working between worlds (in my case scientific, clinical and academic) is that you have fewer people invested in this kind of exchange, as you don’t sit with any particular group in a way that feels like you are a full member. You therefore have less people who are prepared to take those steps to advocate for you and your work without significant prior campaigning. I now sit in a lot more meetings, and have a much closer team, and that advocacy pathway is easier, so seniority plays in, but is not always the main driver.

Be prepared to have hard conversations with yourself

It can be tempting to play the victim. It can be tempting to see the world as unfair and that things should be different. I hate to break it to you, and I am often forced to remind myself, it’s not about you. Very few things that happen in a professional context are truly personal. We work within systems, and those systems have rules, some of which are obvious and some of which are less so. If something works, if an idea is good, and it serves the system, sometimes people will just take it. If the idea is to benefit patients, or to serve a change, then maybe we can’t ‘own’ anything, as it belongs to the system we are working within. It can feel really tough whilst you’re in it. It can feel pretty dreadful to have something you’re invested in taken away.

Sadly, ideas are not toys, and we are not in nursery, rarely is someone going to sweep in and return things to us. So you need to be able to take a reflective step back and decide how important this particular moment is. When I sit in meetings, and yet again someone is claiming ownership of a research idea, or I feel pushed out, I consciously ask myself will this matter? Will this matter tomorrow? Will this matter next week? Will this matter in six months? Will this matter next year? I do it in precisely this order, almost as a mantra, and I often find that the answer is no to at least one of these questions. This calms me in the moment and enables me to react in a logical mind set rather than an emotional one. You need to find a way to get into the right mind set to serve you, not be the servant of an emotion in that moment. Otherwise you won’t get the outcome that you are striving for.

Battles inhibit creativity

One of the reasons I try to get myself to a space where I can rationalise and move on is because it helps me. I’m not doing it for anyone else. If you are spending time fighting every battle, I find, that it means I have less band width for creativity, for new ideas, to be inspired. Frankly, I’m not interested in giving other people enough space in my head to mean that I can’t be the best version of me. There are definitely times that you need to suit up and go into battle, but most of the time it isn’t worth the impact. Keeping yourself focused on why it is that you decided to do what you are doing, and making sure you can do it in the best way possible is the best version of success. You have to let go of the fear and the protectionism in order to enable you to succeed in the long term, rather than always having a short term focus.

Assess whether you are still the right person

One of the other reasons to move to a rational space is to enable you to make balanced assessments. One of these assessments is to evaluate whether you are clinging to things for the right reasons. Sometimes we have invested so much of ourselves, of our energy, into a project that it is hard to let it go. That doesn’t mean that we are always the right person to continue. There are plenty of times when the right decision for the work is for it to pass to someone else or another group. You may have too many other projects to give it the focus it needs, or you may have upcoming work which means it will have less investment in the future. It may be that the project now needs to be advocated for at a different level, and therefore expansion requires it to be taken over by a senior leader. A really common one is that you don’t have the CV or track record to be able to be PI on the grant that is needed to take it to the next level, and therefore you need to hand over primary responsibility in order for it to succeed. Not all handing over is linked with loss, sometimes you have to let go of control of an idea or piece of work to enable it to flourish. In these moments it’s important to recognise that the handing over is something to be celebrated, rather than mourned, and seen as a sign of how far it’s come.

Know what matters to you

If, when you ask yourself the does this matter questions, you answer yes, then you need to decide if the potential costs are worth it. There are definitely times that you will recognise that something does truly matter, and when that happens you need to be able to come up with a logical plan of response. Who can you speak to? Where can you build support? How much impact can you have and will that be enough? I’m very lucky to have a great team around me who will not only advocate when I’m not in the room, but will also offer peer support. If you are not in the place to influence and you decide that it matters, you have to maneuver yourself into a position where you can. This takes time, it takes investment, it requires the expansion of social and other capital. You can’t do this for everything and so you have to be selective. The other thing that you may learn, is that during the early stages of a project that is significant to you, you can take proactive steps in order to determine the future pathway and therefore reduce any challenges before they become insurmountable.

Keep the faith

Not matter how bad it can feel in the moment, know this. You will have a new idea. You will find a new challenge. You will be inspired again. This is not the end, this is a window to a different beginning. Be honest with yourself about your personal drivers, why is this so important? Take these moments and challenges as learning opportunities. I have found people that I am over the moon to collaborate and work with long term, but they can be counted on the fingers of one hand. I have collaborated and worked with vastly more, where I have completed the work, taken the learning, but know that I would prefer not to repeat the experience. All of that is OK. Building trust takes time. Sometimes you need to work with people that have different values and drivers to you, and often once you understand those you can deliver, but every now and again it doesn’t work. You have to have the courage to keep going, the courage to keep trying, and the courage to let go of failures and difficult experiences. You have what it takes to come out of this particular crucible so much stronger. So keep the faith in yourself and you will climb mountains!

All opinions in this blog are my own

If you would like more tips and advice linked to your PhD journey then the first every Girlymicrobiologist book is here to help!

This book goes beyond the typical academic handbook, acknowledging the unique challenges and triumphs faced by PhD students and offering relatable, real-world advice to help you:

  • Master the art of effective research and time management to stay organized and on track.
  • Build a supportive network of peers, mentors, and supervisors to overcome challenges and foster collaboration.
  • Maintain a healthy work-life balance by prioritizing self-care and avoiding burnout.
  • Embrace the unexpected and view setbacks as opportunities for growth and innovation.
  • Navigate the complexities of academia with confidence and build a strong professional network

This book starts at the very beginning, with why you might want to do a PhD, how you might decide what route to PhD is right for you, and what a successful application might look like.

It then takes you through your PhD journey, year by year, with tips about how to approach and succeed during significant moments, such as attending your first conference, or writing your first academic paper.

Finally, you will discover what other skills you need to develop during your PhD to give you the best route to success after your viva. All of this supported by links to activities on The Girlymicrobiologist blog, to help you with practical exercises in order to apply what you have learned.

Take a look on Amazon to find out more

One Year On: What has making professor actually meant for my day to day

girlymicro Academic Life, Healthcare Science, Leadership, Research/Academia , , , , ,

It’s been just over a year since it was confirmed that I’d been made an Honourary Professor at UCL. It’s such an odd and yet brilliant thing to achieve the thing you never really believed would happen. Also, because I had dreamed but never thought it would be a reality, I don’t think I’d ever thought about what difference, if any, it would actually make. I thought I would, therefore, write this blog post to help all the dreamers, like me, who might benefit from some details about what it feels like after you’ve finally crossed the finish line.

Everything and nothing

I suppose the first thing to say is both that everything has changed, but in many ways nothing has. My job for all intents and purposes is exactly the same as it was, do clinical work and try to embed research along the way.

The biggest change is probably the level of respect you get from some people based on title alone. This happened to me when I made Consultant as well. You still get dismissed, or challenged (which isn’t a bad thing), but it happens less and somehow is generally done in a nicer way. This isn’t universally true of course, but the majority of interactions are smoother. In some ways this fascinates me, as I’m the same person. The social interplay linked to this hierarchy is something I’d love to go into more at some, but as much as it’s nice I’m not sure it’s how we should work.

The other thing has made my heart full on multiple occasions. I’ve had a number of people come up and tell me spontaneously how happy they are for me, which is lovely, but they’ve followed up with ‘you making professor makes me think it’s something that I can aspire for’, which is even better! I’ve had other people say I can’t be a professor because of my age, background, or gender, but not in a bad way, in a way where their eyes were opened as I didn’t fit the image they had in their mind. Frankly, I think this in itself is brilliant, being able to hold this space whilst being who I am and changing expectations is one of the reasons I fought so hard to get here. So thank you, thank you for helping me get here. In case you are fighting your own fight, and in case it helps, whatever happens next, the fight was worth it.

A world of unexpected opportunities

There are a few key ways that change has happened that I thought it would be worth talking about. Most of these are internal, but this first one is not. I do feel like I get offered more opportunities now. Now, I don’t know for definite that this is a consequence of me making professor, but the timing feels coincidental.

Within weeks of it being official, I received my first requests for commissioned articles from journals. I’ve never had these before, and it was so exciting I accepted the first three without realising that this wasn’t a one-off and that they’d all result in a heap of extra work. I’m glad I did. It’s been nice to spread the opportunity by picking awesome co-authors who haven’t had paper writing opportunities previously or where it benefits most, like my PhD students. The ones I’ve done have been brilliant learning and fun, but to be honest, are too much on top of an already full-on job. Writing them on top of this blog has been fairly challenging as I don’t get a lot of time at home as it is.

I also get a lot of invites to attend events and sit on committees, etc. These have always happened, but they happen much more frequently now. The same is also true with paper and grant reviews for organisations. The irony of some of this is that many of these opportunities are probably much more needed for those who are working to get established or still ticking the essential boxes rather than being wasted on me. I’m honoured, and I still get a lot out of them and feel I can contribute, but I’m not sure we should focus so much on defaulting to including the already embedded, maybe we should be opening those doors wider? That said, I’m frequently the only woman or scientist in those rooms, and so maybe these invites are just that? Still, I will try to pay it forward and spread the inclusion if I can by sending others and stepping back.

A certain kind of freedom

Most of the changes, as I said above, have been in how I feel and see myself. There is a freedom in feeling you’ve achieved something that felt out of reach. It validates the dream, and the sheer act of achieving one means that it inspires you to dream more and dream bigger. It also provides a level of freedom in terms of academic thought and process. I feel there is less justifying my research interests, removing some of the early hurdles you have to get over when starting any project.

There is also freedom to have a voice and express your opinions. Now, I’ve never been exactly meek about this. You read this blog after all. Being called a disrupter and boat rocker in the past is one of the reasons I didn’t think making professor would happen. Now I’m on the other side of the line, I feel even more empowered to stand tall as it would have been easier to not give it to me than it is to take it away. I think secretly everyone loves a little bit of disruption to the status quo.

A need to change my automatic yes

One of the things I still need to get better at and embrace more is the art of saying no. Interestingly, becoming a professor has really helped with this. All of the reasons why are touched on in the following sections, but this sits as an aspect within all of them. It’s changed my thinking about saying no as a negative thing, which I need to justify and flagelate myself over. Saying no to things I’ve come to realise can be an incredibly positive choice, both for myself and others. I’m embracing the power of no, and I would encourage you to do the same.

A need to change my mindset

One of the things that I wrote about in the original post when I made professor was about the fact that you have to demonstrate that you have achieved and ticked a fairly large number of boxes, from publications and grant funding to teaching and public engagement. In all honesty, some of these boxes will appeal to each person more than others. Many of them I love, and some of them are just key parts of the job. There are others however that I can now be more selective about.

I’ve always struggled with feeling like I have to cover all bases, as I didn’t have certainty about where I would end up. Career pathways in Healthcare Science were not very obvious when I started, and so you had to maintain and develop all aspects in case that’s where the job or opportunity would be. There is so much joy in knowing where that path has led, but also in having certainty about the fact that I have the power to now make informed choices about my next steps, as I know where I’ve ended up. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but being the master of your own destiny gives you the ability to choose steps that serve your purpose rather than trying to be everything to everyone. It provides freedom from the constant striving to please.

A redefinition of identity

Something that has been a challenge for me over the last few years has been linked to whether I’m still a scientist. This may sound odd, as of course, I still do a lot of scientific activities: writing papers, reviewing grants, sorting protocols etc, but I don’t DO science any more. I’m not in the lab wearing a lab coat processing specimens, I’m also not often there undertaking experiments. It’s taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that all of the activities that don’t take place in a lab are still part of what makes me a scientist. I find this one fascinating, as it took me ages to ‘feel’ like I was a scientist, and I went through a complete panic at the thought of no longer being considered one. The process of redefining my identity to include these new aspects has been been important, but not always straight forward.

A stronger sense of self

Titles shouldn’t change how you feel about yourself, they shouldn’t, your sense of self should not be dependent on labels. The thing is though, those labels sometimes make life easier. I’m still the same person I was before I became a consultant or a professor. I’ve not morphed overnight into someone different. It does however remove some of that constant need I have to prove myself and show to others I’m good enough, whatever that means. When I’m questioned and challenged, which of course does and should happen, it enables me to have slightly less self doubt. I’m not saying that questioning yourself is not a useful reflective tool, everything is good in moderation, but sometimes I can lean too far into that questioning. I feel like having gone through the external review process, by people who have never met me, and been assessed as reaching this level of knowledge and experience does give me a baseline level of confidence that I didn’t have before. This confidence translates itself into an improved sense of self assurance which is really helpful across my professional practice.

An increased sense of responsibility

Now, I’m not old and dead yet, but crossing this milestone has really made me think about what I want next, and what the next phase looks like. Over the last year I’ve come to realise that the crucial thing for me is about opening doors for others. I want others to be able to progress in a more defined way than I did, and to find some of the doors already ajar. They will face different obstacles, but I feel like that is how we move forward. I really feel that increased sense of responsibility to help those who will come after to me, and to pay forward the support that I have had along the way to others. Having ticked my boxes it’s time to help others tick theirs.

A new sense of direction

All of this has given me a sense of direction, one that involves not being afraid to be seen, and of embracing sticking my head above the parapet for the sake of change and for the sake of others. For the first time in my career I have a stable permanent post which means that I can afford to take risks in a way that I couldn’t have really contemplated before. I have privilege, that I recognise, own, and want to harness for the benefit of others.

I want to be in this position and still be me. I want to wave my geek flag, hold my head high as an obstinate head strong girl, and show that you don’t have to fit the mould in order to be successful. It’s one reason that this blog continues to be important to me. I want to show you can have self doubt and still progress. That you can make mistakes and learn from them, and that that’s OK. I want to stand tall and embrace being ‘Too Much’ to show you don’t have to compromise who you are to make things happen. That you can aspire and achieve more than you dreamed possible by being entirely, authentically you. I want to use the platform I’ve been given and hope that you will all join me along the way,

All opinions in this blog are my own

If you would like more tips and advice linked to your PhD journey then the first every Girlymicrobiologist book is here to help!

This book goes beyond the typical academic handbook, acknowledging the unique challenges and triumphs faced by PhD students and offering relatable, real-world advice to help you:

  • Master the art of effective research and time management to stay organized and on track.
  • Build a supportive network of peers, mentors, and supervisors to overcome challenges and foster collaboration.
  • Maintain a healthy work-life balance by prioritizing self-care and avoiding burnout.
  • Embrace the unexpected and view setbacks as opportunities for growth and innovation.
  • Navigate the complexities of academia with confidence and build a strong professional network

This book starts at the very beginning, with why you might want to do a PhD, how you might decide what route to PhD is right for you, and what a successful application might look like.

It then takes you through your PhD journey, year by year, with tips about how to approach and succeed during significant moments, such as attending your first conference, or writing your first academic paper.

Finally, you will discover what other skills you need to develop during your PhD to give you the best route to success after your viva. All of this supported by links to activities on The Girlymicrobiologist blog, to help you with practical exercises in order to apply what you have learned.

Take a look on Amazon to find out more

Me and My Bathroom: Being an adult scientist has way more to do with bathrooms than I’d expected

girlymicro General, Healthcare Science, Microbiology (Clinical) , , , , ,

Last week, I was lucky enough to be the Lord Mayor’s Colloquies (an academic conference or seminar) on water and sanitation, where the wonderful Dr Susanne Surman-Lee was speaking. It was an event sponsored by the Lord Mayor and supported by the Worshipful Company of Plumbers.

What has this got to do with bathrooms I hear you ask? Is it because it was on water and sanitation? Is it because these things impact healthcare design? Or are linked with infectious diseases? Is it because of the LAKANA Mali study? You’d like to think, but actually the trigger for this post was none of these things. It was triggered because I have a habit of hiding in bathrooms.

Hiding in bathrooms

I have posted before about networking, and that I’m not a natural in this regard. I have over time developed tools and approaches to aid me, but I still don’t love it. Now for a confession, and to be honest I genuinely don’t know if this is just a me thing as I haven’t really talked about it. Sometimes when I just can’t face networking, I hide in the bathroom of wherever the event is taking place so I don’t have to be in the room until just before the event start so I don’t even have to try. I’ve hidden in some pretty Class A bathrooms in my time, at the Houses of Parliament, at fancy hotels and most recently at Mansion House.

Some days, I just can’t face the sea of people and trying to come up with something interesting that I can bring to the conversation. It is especially bad when entering rooms when I just don’t know anyone or at least anyone well. Occasionally, my game face just fails me and so I find myself locked in a toilet cubicle negotiating with myself about what point I will leave in order to still look like I’m arriving in a timely fashion and with a window to grab some tea.

The negotiation is also about convincing myself to not a) hide at the back of the room, b) just call it quits and go home, and c) look confident and like I haven’t been hiding in a bathroom when I enter the room.

The negotiating doesn’t end here. Many years ago I made a deal with myself. I am allowed to hide in the bathroom, but only pre-event. Once I make it to the room I am not allowed to leave without speaking to at least one person I don’t know. It doesn’t have to be extensive, but it has to be a deliberate act of networking. One of the reasons I find this bit easier is because post event, at least, the one thing I have in common with the other attendees is that we’ve just engaged in the same activity. So that’s the rule, one person, one conversation before I’m allowed to leave. I don’t know if I’m the only one that has these types of rules, but now you all know if you see me hiding out in a bathroom, there is a reason why.

Developing a more than normal interest in bathrooms and water

You won’t just find me in bathrooms at events, however. Working in IPC has waaaaay more to do with bathrooms than I could ever have imagined before I came into post. From overflowing toilets to drain flies, we deal with it all. We often joke that we don’t know which members of the team are Mario and which are Luigi, as even when it isn’t an IPC issue, we still get all the plumbing calls.

As time has progressed, I’ve developed strong opinions on a wealth of topics that I never thought would hold meaning for me, from sink design to tap choice. I’ve also learnt a lot more about IPS panels (the panels at the back of your sink) and TMVs (thermostatic mixer valves) and how both can impact on other areas, such as my need to revalidate my specialist mechanically ventilated rooms.

One of the key things I’ve learnt, as well as being open to continuously learning, is that relationships in this area are key. This is an area where you need to be able to ‘phone a friend’. Friends aren’t just other people in IPC. You need to build relationships with engineers and designers, as well as those people in the lab who can talk you through your water-based results. You simply can’t do this one alone. There are too many factors. Collaboration is key, and the sooner we recognise we can’t do it alone, the more impactful we will be.

Promoted to a bathroom

I don’t know if there’s any meaning behind it, or whether it is just an amusing coincidence, but when I finally got to a point in my career where I was allowed my own office it turned out it was a converted toilet cubicle. My office still says on-call bathroom on the door, alongside one of my favourite things the team have ever given me, my Dame Elaine sign (they always joke it will happen one day). It is a rather compact space, but I love it, and at least they remembered to take the actual toilet out.

The irony of a blog post that starts with how much I hide in bathroom cubicles then discussing how my office is now one is not lost on me. Quite a lot of people don’t like it as a space, as it has no natural light or any ventilation. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been hiding in bathrooms for way longer than I had a bathroom office, but I find it a really comforting space. I like the lack of distractions. I like being able to spin my chair and reach for anything I need. I like being able to listen to peppy music whilst I work, as I hate working in silence, and not having to worry about bothering others. To me, it’s sanctuary.

Being considered a bathroom expert

One of the things I didn’t realise when I started out as a Healthcare Scientist is how organically interests grow and end up turning into something more. I started involving myself in all things built environment and IPC, because I wanted to understand it better. I wanted to learn more. As time went on that wanting to learn led me to develop more and more questions, as I found gaps in the literature and questions I couldn’t find the answers to. Maybe because I am a scientist, those questions led me to create studies and collaborate with others to gain knowledge that not only solved some things but also created more questions. I’ve also had the painful experience of making bad decisions based on a lack of evidence to enable me to make better ones. Therefore, I think this area (water and water safety) is one that is often overlooked and yet is critical to all healthcare and healthcare environments.

One of the reasons it’s so easy to make less than ideal judgements and decisions in this area is that IPC teams get so little training on this. Most will know something about Legionella pneumophila and Pseudomonas aeruginosa, but very few will know much about other key organisms, such as atypical mycobacteria or Elizabethkingae. What can feel like fairly low consequence decisions based on aesthetic appeal, such as which tap you prefer, can have significant consequences down the line which might not be seen for years. This can make it hard to tie up cause and effect in order to lead to improved learning without external support.

I never aspired to, or meant to be considered an expert in this area, but somehow I have accrued some level of knowledge by being in a Trust that is always building, and having stayed in one place for 20 years to see the cause and effect in real time. For the same reasons, I’ve also published a few papers linked to ways to improve water hygiene, although only a handful.

The main thing I’ve done is establish the Environment Network as a way to share learning and talk through challenges, and more recently, a course that sits alongside it to help support those who are interested and don’t want to make the same trial and error mistakes that I did. I am far from an expert in reality. There’s too much to learn, and the landscape alters too quickly. What I am is intellectually curious and determined to try to learn enough that every decision I make it better than the last one.

Bathroom based recognition

I started this post talking about a Worshipful Company of Plumbers sponsored event at Mansion House and my bathroom based adventures. I thought I should finish it by telling you why I was there and how this transpired in case any of you would be interested in joining me at future versions.

As I said, there don’t seem to be that many people who work clinically who are interested in water safety, although I’m pleased to say the number is increasing. There are, however, amazing women working in this area from the microbiology perspective, women like Dr Susanne Surman-Lee and Elise Maynard. The brilliant thing about these women is that they are truly interested in engaging with others and also raising up other women. I first met Susanne 17 years ago as a trainee when she was working at UKHSA, she won’t remember the event but she made a definite impression on me, and I’ve known Elise for over a decade. They are my ‘phone a friends’ when I need expert advice. They also lead on a bunch of different guideline writing groups in relation to water, and over the years have been kind enough to include me so that these groups, which are usually fairly heavily engineering led, include a clinical perspective.

Over the years, we have written a few BSI guidelines together, and the one that I think is most useful to those of you out there in IPC is this one, BS 8580-2:2022 Water quality. Risk assessments for Pseudomonas aeruginosa and other waterborne pathogens. It has a wonderful table at the back from Elise that contains all of the kinds of organisms you are aiming to control and if there are any specific areas to be considered, such as Klebsiella pneumoniae and sinks. We’re currently writing a new one to help people make sampling based decisions, and one on atypical mycobacteria should hopefully start later in the year. Susanne also organises the Royal Society of Public Health water webinar series, and I’ve been fortunate enough to deliver a couple.

All of which ended up with me being here:

Worshipful Company of Plumbers Livery Ceremony May 2023

In 2022, I was asked if I’d consider becoming a Liveryman for the Worshipful Company of Plumbers, linked to my work on water and women in leadership. It’s been a fascinating process, and at some point I might do a blog post on it. Needless to say, I agreed and in May 2023 I was clothed in the Livery. One of the great things about joining has been to meet so many people who are also really interested in how we manage water better and differently. There are also so many different perspectives. At the Mansion House event, my one conversion ended up being the leader of a sustainability nonprofit who was interested in using STEAM (science, technology, engineering, arts and mathematics) approaches to change how people think about water. This strikes a bell with me, as some of the challenges in the healthcare setting are around people thinking of sink areas being ‘clean’, whereas they are frequently highly loaded with bacteria and therefore potential risk.

Members of my team now jokingly refer to me as Her Plumbship, and all plumbing queries are light heartedly directed my way. The thing is, in this area, none of us can do it alone. I’m not a plumber (despite what my CV says). Nor am I an engineer, an environmental microbiologist or sustainability expert. If we are to make things better, make thing safer and deliver on key goals like those listed by the UN, we have to come together. We have to embrace the fact that there is no such thing as a stupid question, be prepared to stick our heads above the parapet and be uncomfortable in our lack of knowledge in order to work towards a better shared understanding.

All opinions in this blog are my own

My (possible) Mid-Life Crisis and Me 2023 Edition: Entering 2024 has left me questioning….have I peaked at 44?

girlymicro General, Healthcare Science, Leadership, Research/Academia, Writing , , ,

Heading into 2024 is a slightly odd event for me. Let me tell me why. 2023 ticked boxes for me I had never imagined existed, let alone had on my list. I attended the King’s Coronation. I got to fulfil a lifelong dream and go to Eurovision. I even managed to tick off the last remaining thing on my professional wish list and made professor.

Coming hard on the back of 2022 and 2021, I just don’t really have words for how privileged I feel to have had the experiences I’ve had. This is all amazing and mind-blowing. When you take a moment to breathe and reflect on all of this, however, it leaves me with one over whelming thought. What next?

I’m 44 years old. This year will be my 20th as a Healthcare Scientist, my 20th year working in the NHS. I have at least another 10 years of service in me. But what does that look like? I could never imagine where I am now, so how do I envision what’s to come? How do I therefore make it happen? I, like many others, have always kind of joked about people having a mid-life crisis, but for the first time ever, I can see how people get there. I’m super fortunate that I love my job, and I don’t want a change. At the same point, I also don’t want to stagnate. I want to keep on pushing. I want to keep getting better as a person and moving things forward for others.

Recently, though I have to admit, I am recognising how much I also need to get some rest and recognise how far I’ve come. I went from finishing my PhD to making professor in 8 years. Things have happened at pace. Part of my brain screams its time to sit back and smell the roses for a while and mentally catch up with all thats happened. The other part is saying that I need a plan to climb the next mountain, whatever that might be. I enter 2024 therefore in somewhat of a no man’s land, trying to work out who I want to be as I turn 45 and enter the next phase of my career. I don’t have much of this figured out yet, but I thought I would start by talking about the few things I do know.

It’s about giving back

For me, tunnel vision was very much a thing during the early stages of my career. I knew where I was going and what I wanted to achieve. In the last year or so I’ve very much had a change of perspective. I’m lucky enough to be offered a lot of opportunities, previously when I would have said yes or thrown my hat into the ring I’ve had a change of heart. When these opportunities come up, quite a lot of the time, I actively decide to not take them up, or to pass them on. It’s hard to gain experience and make connections when you are early in your career. I never really had that person in my career who would push me into the limelight, or pass things my way. I am aware, from seeing this happen with medical colleagues, quite what a difference it can make to someone’s career progression. I want to be the person who makes conscious decisions to do that now, and to pay things forward. I also want to still be open to mentorship and coaching opportunities where I can support others to take these steps. I feel like it’s not about me anymore, it’s about growing the people who will replace me, and do the job I’m doing even better, who will grow the change even further.

It’s about inspiring others

It’s so much harder to become something if you don’t know it exists. How do you follow a road map to a destination that you don’t have a location for. Everyone has their own pathway, but it’s so much harder if you can’t make informed choices about what your options could be. I struggled with this so much for a very long time. I was lucky, in that I could picture what I wanted, but as there was no one I could find in that space I just didn’t know how to get there. It must be even harder if you dont have that strong sense of where you want to be. Now, I don’t know that I’m particularly inspirational, but what I can be is visible and work to be even more so. Visible enough so that people feel they can reach out and ask questions, visible enough that I can show possibility for those thinking about future destinations.

I still remember the scientist who came into my primary school classroom. I have so much love for all the people, like Ruth Thomsen and others, who are living embodiments of the possibilities that are available for scientific careers. I want to continue to ring fence time so that I can live up to those examples. Although I took a while to realise it, I think that visibility is another reason why this blog is so important to me and why I hope that it will continue to grow and be useful to others. So, every day I want to consciously be trying to do better and inspire more.

It’s about opening doors

I have been blessed to have a career that both challenges me and fulfils me. I have also been fairly successful and managed to tick my personal tick boxes, becoming a Consultant Clinical Scientist, maintaining a clinical academic career, and making Professor. That’s great for me, but I think that if I don’t make it so that others can achieve those things or make the pathway easier, I will actually have fundamentally failed in my goals. Now I’ve finally managed to get over the line I’ve realised that the goal was never just about me. It was about making sure that anyone who had those aspirations had a pathway that they could follow, rather than wandering in the darkness and making it up as they went alone, like I did. So that’s the job, sharing my mistakes and learning so others don’t have to repeat them and can start a bit further along the pathway. 

It’s also my job to put a wedge in the door so that others don’t have to push anywhere near as hard to get it open as I did, and by using what level of influence and privilege I have to serve those who will follow. I am fortunate enough to have access to some resources that mean I can make practical contributions to this, not just work as a mentor or from an individual standpoint. I sit on national groups and run national meetings, which I really hope means that we can build networks and change things together. We are always stronger as a group. This is something that is really important to me, and a priority I want to continue to pursue.

It’s about trying new things

Now, when I say I’m passing on opportunities, it’s not that I don’t want to be challenged or to stagnate. I still want to take on new challenges, develop skills and take on new things. I’m just aware that there are experiences I’ve already had that could benefit others more. Some of the things I want to do are work adjacent, rather than purely work based skills. I’d like to get better at doing things like this, writing my blog, structuring it into something new, but also other things like science communication. I’d also like to be a better leader and communicator in general. I think, for me, it’s about moving from pure knowledge acquisition to pass exams etc, to skill/tool acquisition and application to help me implement change. I’m still passionate about my job and excited for the scope it gives me, I just want to gain the skills to do it better in the broadest possible sense.

It’s about knowing myself

All of this change has come from feeling like I’m growing into my own skin and learning to be unapologetically me. That doesn’t mean I’m a saint, I have so so many flaws, but it’s a growing acceptance that I’m a work in progress and that that is OK. Being open to that knowledge and that improvement is something I want to embrace. The more I get to know me, flaws and all, the more I can understand my drivers and responses. The more I do that the more I can reduce the noise, the more clarity I can have to embrace where I want to move towards. In my 20s and 30s I think I was scared to look and really see myself as I was clinging to ideas of perfection. Now in my 40s I just want to be the best authentic version of myself, and that’s the journey I’m on now.

It’s about finding time and balance

Part of that knowing myself is acknowledging that I use work as a way of feeling worthy and marking progression. There is so much more to me, and my sense of self worth cannot rely on numbers of papers published, or my professional reputation. Finding value in myself through work drives a fairly unhealthy relationship, where it’s difficult to step away and leads to working an excessive amount of hours. At one point prior to the pandemic I didn’t have a weekend off for 3 years, Weirdly I was OK with this, but now I have staff and students, I’m aware of how toxic an example this is to set. Also, as my health gets more challenging, I just can’t maintain it. I need rest and relaxation. I need to have periods where I completely step away, for both my physical and mental health. I want to learn to read books for fun again and take long bubble baths. To move away from my work being quite so core to my identity for the good of everybody, especially Mr Girlymicro.

It’s about allowing time for celebration and joy

The other part of allowing space to relax and enjoy life is finding time to celebrate. I’ve been very much ‘onto the next thing’ for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to really sit back and smell the roses. I’ve always been the same. I never managed to celebrate GCSE results, degree results etc. By the time I finished the exam I was so burnt out and broken all I could do was crawl into my bed to recover. Having posted last year about the importance of celebration, I want to try to learn a new healthier habit where I do celebrate things, both large and small.

Again, this is something having students and teams has taught me. I want them to embrace their successes and take time to really recognise what they have achieved. It’s not therefore just about taking time to recognise my own progress but really ensure I put a focus on celebrating the progress of others. It’s so easy to put it off and say we will do it another time, then nothing ever happens, it’s time to prioritise joy.

It’s about staying brave

Finally, I want to make sure that I stay open to failure. I don’t want to avoid trying things or embracing experiences just because I fear I will fail or what others will think of me. I want to stay brave, I want to be fierce. Being fortunate enough to have reached a position of some privilege I want to also ensure I own that position and continue to speak my truth, even if that comes with risk or discomfort, for the benefit of others. I want, when needed, to know that I will always stick my head above the parapet, be seen, be part of the conversation, and use what voice I have for the benefit of people other than myself.

I may not know where this next phase will lead me, but there is joy in the not knowing as well as fear. I genuinely think that as long as I keep to the list of the things that I do know as a cornerstone of my decision making, it will all work out. I want to strive to be kind, I want to know myself better, and I want to leave this world a better place than I found it. I hope whatever part of the journey you are on you are able to find your own signposts to the life you want to lead. Welcome to the mid-life, it’s not so scary as it seemed!

All opinions in this blog are my own

A DINK Household: Embracing a life with no kids, no guilt, only joy

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I’ve got a few days off this week and so have finally been able to catch up with some friends and family. It’s also given me more time than normal to catch my breath and reflect a little. Most of my friends with kids however are instead running around from show to show, attending carol concerts, and trying to buy presents at midnight. This comparison has caused me to reflect on how glad I am to be part of a DINK household.

What on earth is a DINK? It’s a term I’ve heard thrown around for a while and I finally asked Mr Girlymicro what it stood for. Apparently, it stands for: double income, no kids. There’s also DINKY, which stands for double income, no kids yet.

I wrote a while ago about how it felt to be childless in my 40s and to discover I couldn’t have children. At that point, I had come to terms with it as a reality. Now, in the year my niece would have become a teenager, I have to say I’m more than OK. 13 years on I have such a different view on the whole situation. Not only am I OK, but I have come to embrace and enjoy all the opportunities that have come my way, many of which would not be available to me if I was looking after the next generation. This post is not to revel in the stress of those who have a different path, but to share that there can be joy for those of us who are on a different journey.

It’s not them versus us

Too often when I post about being childless on social media, whether defending my right to still leave work on time or stating that my life still has value, I get a response that sets me up as if it’s the childless vs the parents. My claiming that people who are not parents still have the right to work life balance does not take away from the rights of parents to have the same. One group having value does not detract from the other. I think it’s an interesting societal artefact that we are set up as opposites, when really we are nothing of the sort. It is not ‘Them vs Us’. It is about an appreciation of difference and recognising  the challenges and impacts on everyone’s lives of the decisions we make. I can want to have my life recognised as ‘of value’ without asking for someone else to have theirs diminished. 

My friends with children are a brilliant and an important part of my life. Being the fun aunt is important to me. My wonderful colleagues who have children absolute deserve to have allowances made so that they can be present and involved parents. I love hearing about the activities of their kids, their lives, and seeing the pictures. On the rare occasion I also need to leave on time to see my family, they are brilliant about ensuring it happens. I hope they feel I support them in the same way. This positioning of ‘Them vs Us’ isn’t real and if 2023 has taught me anything, it’s not to feed the trolls, so let’s see and value each other.

I have found my joy

I work hard. The days are long, and I’m often pretty tired and worn thin. I think there was a certain level of work for distraction for a while, but an awareness of using it to avoid processing has enabled me to face some things head on. As 2023 draws to a close, it’s turned out to have been a year of some amazing highs. 2022 in fact, also had some particularly rocking moments. There were some great professional wins brought about by all that work, which I’ve been forced to acknowledge would never have happened if I’d had to split my focus. I also had some truly wonderful times with Mr and mummy Girlymicro and some great friends, many of which would have been harder or more complicated if we’d had children. Sunsets, cocktails, and shopping would have just been more complicated. I experienced pure and unadulterated joy in just being in these moments. In the freedom, we have to just book a weekend away on a whim. Freedom that being a DINK household gives us that we would be unlikely to have otherwise. Joy that has become uncoloured by the ‘What Ifs’ that had previously removed some of the shine. Learning to live in and for these moments without looking back.

My life has value

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced in moving forward is the unwritten societal expectation. I don’t know whether it is unconscious evolutionary pressure or a societal construct, but there is a perception that somehow your life has less value as you are not contributing the future by having children. That’s not to say that it all comes from other people. A lot of this is something we put on ourselves. It is not helped by people feeling like it is OK to make you justify your decisions at every point. You can’t have children? Why don’t you adopt? Have you considered IVF? Have you researched trying via a surrogate? To which I have a tendency to want to scream back ‘Oh no, I never considered any of those things. I’ve never lied awake at night running through my options. It just never occurred to me to research and find out more. Thank you so much for changing my life by enlightening me that there are other options!’. All of these conversations, whilst driven from a place of support, just reinforce the fact that no kids = no value.

Let me tell you now what I tell myself every day. I have value. It may not be in the same way, but my life is valuable, my contributions are valuable, and although different, I am still contributing the future of humankind.  I feel like I contribute professionally, but also by supporting friends with their families. Recognising this contribution in myself means that I now feel empowered to put more boundaries around my life to protect it and to respect that value. I am trying to leave work on time. I’m trying to not work weekends. I’m trying to find time for contributions that mean something to me and which I believe matter, like this blog and being a visible woman in STEM. If I don’t do it, how can I role model that for others, and how else can we have conversations about how to change some of the perceptions about value and childlessness.

I refuse to feel guilty

I’m done apologising. I’m done apologising if I need to put my life first some times. Now, I’m not talking all the time. We all have to be team players. I am, however, done with throwing myself over the metaphorical ledge in some perverse form of self flagellation for something I had no control over. I am also done with being made to feel guilty in conversations where I talk about my life and my opportunities. Yes, I get to go on holiday to New York and shop because I’m not paying out a crazy amount of money in nursery fees. I’m not going to hide it because I get to do something someone else can’t. In the same way, I embrace people showing me pictures of their kids, even if I can’t have any. Their children are an important part of their lives, and I care enough to be interested. The way I feel about lunch at Serendipity III in New York and the fact it featured in one of my favourite movies with my sister has meaning for me. Things are meaningful for different people in different ways, thus is the joy and variety of life.

I’ve heard the phrase ‘Not everyone is cut out to be a parent’ said to me a few times in recent years from a variety of sources. This is almost always linked to conversations about activities in which I’ve embraced my childless existence. The first few times, it really stung, almost as if it was a way of saying that if I’d been able to have kids I would have been a bad mum. It made me pretty unhappy that it was OK to throw around that kind of judgement. The more I’ve heard it though, the more I now see it as a sign that I have genuinely grown to be comfortable with who I am now. My identity is now so OK with my childless state that I am also OK with talking about the pieces of motherhood I would have found challenging, about being open with who I am to others. Although, if you feel like saying these words, probably best to discover how they might be taken before you do. Six years ago, the response may not have been so open and embracing of the conversation.

Embracing the life we’re given

Becoming comfortable with who you are, whether you have just encorporated grief into that identity or not, has been the first step in giving myself permission. Permission to make choices that work for me, permission to be happy, permission to draw boundaries, and if needed permission to stay in the bath soaking for 3 hours with tea and an audiobook.

Embracing the life I lead, rather than some sort of societal expectation or perception of the life I should lead, has completely changed how I make choices. Being aware of my privilege in getting to make those choices makes me value them even more. In one week this year, I got to go to the King’s Coronation and Eurovision. My life is pretty epic, and none of that is defined by whether I have a child or not. It’s defined by the choices I make to lead me down wonderful and unexpected pathways and filling my life with love through the people I make the journey with.

Never looking back

I’m done with ‘What Ifs’. If you are looking back all the time you can’t truly look forward. I’ve embraced the road that led me here but I’m not defined by it. It’s just a part of who I am, not the whole. It is all too easy to be haunted by the past, especially if  the reality of that past was that we had no control over the events. This can lead to a sense of disempowerment and a feeling that we lack agency from that moment forward. At some point, to regain a sense of control, you have to have some hard conversations with yourself about what that control looks like. For me, it’s about waking up every day and consciously choosing to embrace my now. To see the future as filled with possibilities rather than filled with ghosts of a future that will never be. I no longer have a crick in my neck from looking back, and I’m OK with that.

Travelling the road less travelled

So join me, whether your circumstances are driven by choices out of your control or not, in embracing the road less travelled. Join me in committing to being braver in facing up to uncertainty, reality and in having difficult conversations with ourselves when needed in 2024. We don’t know where the doors we open by these acts of bravery will lead us, but I can almost guarantee it will be unexpected. Your journey doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s. It’s uniquely yours, and that is the joy of it!

All opinions in this blog are my own