lifestyle

Greetings from the Laziest Girl on the Internet: Living with a mind that won’t stop in a body that doesn’t want to begin

girlymicro General, Microbiology (Clinical), Research/Academia , , , ,

I woke up at 5 this morning, the alarm wasn’t set to go off until 6:15. I am desperately tired and in need of more sleep. Instead of allowing me this simple luxury my brain decided to a) run through an experimental protocol, b) draft a paper I need to write, and c) plan a conference presentation. Sadly, my body wasn’t in alignment with this and so none of it has been written down or recorded anywhere. I am therefore exhausted still and have no concrete outputs to balance it out. I’d like to state this was a one off, but it is in fact my life and daily existence.

People often ask me how I manage to ‘do’ so much. The sad fact is that I really don’t think I manage to ‘do’ very much at all. I’m always a chapter behind on my ‘to do’ list. That combined with the fact that I only manage to get as much done as I do because Mr Girlymicro keeps our lives together by making everything happen at home, means that I thought I’d write something that talks openly about what the reality of having a mind that just doesn’t stop looks like.

I only have 2 speeds

I think those people who think I achieve a lot only see me in ‘doing’ phase. Running around spinning multiple plates at the same time and being totally ‘eyes on the prize’ focused. The other side to this is that when this Duracell bunny phase is over, I become the sloth girl who inhabits the sofa and doesn’t contribute to house work or the want to leave the house. The challenge is that work generally gets the Duracell bunny which means there is very little left over for real life. Hence Mr Girlymicro deserving the husband of the year award 15 years running, and the fact that I need to find a way to split my energy better.

My mind can’t switch off

One of the reasons for the enormous to do list, is that although my body switches off, my mind really doesn’t. I would really love it if it did. Today is Easter Monday, it’s before 9am, and I would really love to be able to sit and chill out. Instead I’m writing this blog as my mind is so full of stuff that this is my equivalent of relaxing as it enables me to focus, and thus relax a little. I don’t know if this is how everyone lives? I really don’t. I have so many thoughts, I remember so many things I should have done, things I should be doing. My mind can make my life a less than relaxing existence. Lovely Mr Girlymicro has brought me some Lego for later though so that I can use it to help, as the process of doing something whilst watching a movie or listening to an audio book, is basically my relaxed happy place. It’s important to have a strategy when my head is spinning out of control.

I find it very uncomfortable to only do 1 thing at a time

This leads me onto another thing. I need to be doing at least 2 things at once to feel comfortable. I’m writing this blog whilst watching CSI on Netflix, later I’ll be putting together Lego whilst enjoying a movie, I even need an audio book to sleep. One of the reasons I’m so happy to have my little bathroom office is that I find it really challenging to work in silence and so it means I can have music or a book running as background audio. I really find it helps me focus. The advantage to this way of living life is that does it enable me to plan talks in my head whilst doing other things, or to plan a text book or blog outline whilst writing a policy. This adds to my ‘to do’ list but also helps keep my head above water when I’ve made too many commitments.

I’m physically lazy and don’t pull my weight

For all that my mind is active I am physically lazy. I always joke that I was born to lounge on a chaise lounge with a book in my hand surrounded by my library with someone to bring me Darjeeling on request. I know that I must be challenging to live with. I get so focused on things, that without adult supervision, I have a tendency to forget to eat or drink, one reason that I am much healthier when I work from home. When I work on-site I tend to come home in a ball of flames, exhausted by my working life and physically broken, and therefore contribute negligibly to doing any form of physical chores. I’m working on it, but saying that, whilst Mr Girlymicro is working upstairs here I am writing this blog instead of tidying the kitchen. I did say he deserves awards, and I am a work in progress.

My mind doesn’t let me rest

One of the other factors that contributes to my physical laziness is that I am so tired all the time. I rarely get a decent nights sleep. If I wake up between one and three to go to the bathroom, my brain kicks in as I’ve had just enough sleep. It’s then fully engaged, whilst my body remains sleepy, with things I should be doing or random thoughts. The same is true even if I get back to sleep, I rarely if ever manage to sleep to the alarm. I do all the tips that everyone talks about, I keep a notebook by the side of my bed, I make notes into this blog so get things out of my mind, but I find switching off really hard. Some of this is because I should probably just take some painkillers/antihistamines, to manage other things, but some of it is definitely the fact that my brain just doesn’t want to play normal.

I am a starter not a finisher

Another side effect of having a mind that is constantly full of ideas, is that it can be challenging to bring any of them to completion. I am very much a starter not a finisher. Finishing anything requires a lot of active effort, otherwise I have a tendency to get distracted by the next good idea that comes along. I think it’s one of the reasons that over the years I’ve become slightly obsessed about keeping my promises and deadlines if I’m given them, even if it means I work weekends and evenings, as I’m hyper aware of my natural tendency to drift. If I make a commitment I can be pretty over the top and harsh with myself about delivering on time. As a people pleaser, this has gotten me into trouble in the past due to over committing to too many things. There have been a lot of very late nights and lost weekends. These days I’m trying to not over commit, whilst using this particular fear of failure to ensure that I still finish things on occasion.

I find focusing on being in the moment incredibly challenging

I am aware that some people are able to really ‘be’ in the moment. When they achieve something, when they have successes, they are able to really be fully present in the moment and enjoy the depth of emotions that that presence achieves. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the moment, but my brain is always onto the next thing. I’m always planning and looking forward. In many ways this is a really useful trait, but it means that I’m pretty rubbish at stopping and smelling the roses. I think this is another contributor to why I find it so hard to relax, as even when I’m having a lovely time I’m planning for the next thing. When I’m on holiday, I find it hard not to be planning for how I need to address work when I get back. When I’m at work, it’s always about how to keep us moving forward, and what needs to happen next. I need to make more run for tea 🙂

I spend my day being reactive when I would love to be visionary

My tendency to plan is one of the reasons that I find the current state of the NHS and my role within it so stressful. I want to be planning how to make us better, but because we are still recovering from the pandemic, even if the outside world has moved on, I spend a lot of my time still in reaction mode. It’s one of the reasons that research is so very important to me. In that aspect of my role, as well as in education, I feel like I can be focused on how to make things better and move things forward, whereas that can be more challenging clinically. It is why I love and value the different aspects of my role, education, research and clinical, as they balance each other off for the different needs that I have personality wise. It’s why my role is perfect for me and I’m so grateful that I have been able to develop it the way I have.

I feel I should be doing so so much more

All of this leaves me with a continuous general underlying feeling that I should be doing so much more, that there is so much more to do, and that I need to be better. There’s a lot about this which is good, especially when I was training and it could be channeled into ticking off the necessary boxes. Frankly, it was also easier to work full force and recover when I was in my 20’s and 30’s. I don’t think I had the self awareness, or self reflection skills I have now to understand my drivers in the same way back then. I also don’t think I had the self forgiveness to handle my lack of perfection and therefore be open to change. Now, although looking in the mirror and seeing my flaws can be challenging, it also inspires me to be better and I try to treat myself with the kindness I would offer to others. All traits have a light side and a dark side. My brain means that I am more physically broken and can make the lives of those around me harder by not contributing as much as I should. It also enables me to create change and make the lives of others better. It has been the enabler and the driver to allow me to reach where I am today, and to do things like start this blog. Although peculiar, it is of more benefit than it is harm, and after 44 years in each others company, we have finally reached an en tant cordial, where we still strive for improvement but also live in acceptance of the reality of what the day to day looks like. So my advice, learn to love yourself for who you, whilst striving to be better.

All opinions in this blog are my own

One Year On: What has making professor actually meant for my day to day

girlymicro Academic Life, Healthcare Science, Leadership, Research/Academia , , , , ,

It’s been just over a year since it was confirmed that I’d been made an Honourary Professor at UCL. It’s such an odd and yet brilliant thing to achieve the thing you never really believed would happen. Also, because I had dreamed but never thought it would be a reality, I don’t think I’d ever thought about what difference, if any, it would actually make. I thought I would, therefore, write this blog post to help all the dreamers, like me, who might benefit from some details about what it feels like after you’ve finally crossed the finish line.

Everything and nothing

I suppose the first thing to say is both that everything has changed, but in many ways nothing has. My job for all intents and purposes is exactly the same as it was, do clinical work and try to embed research along the way.

The biggest change is probably the level of respect you get from some people based on title alone. This happened to me when I made Consultant as well. You still get dismissed, or challenged (which isn’t a bad thing), but it happens less and somehow is generally done in a nicer way. This isn’t universally true of course, but the majority of interactions are smoother. In some ways this fascinates me, as I’m the same person. The social interplay linked to this hierarchy is something I’d love to go into more at some, but as much as it’s nice I’m not sure it’s how we should work.

The other thing has made my heart full on multiple occasions. I’ve had a number of people come up and tell me spontaneously how happy they are for me, which is lovely, but they’ve followed up with ‘you making professor makes me think it’s something that I can aspire for’, which is even better! I’ve had other people say I can’t be a professor because of my age, background, or gender, but not in a bad way, in a way where their eyes were opened as I didn’t fit the image they had in their mind. Frankly, I think this in itself is brilliant, being able to hold this space whilst being who I am and changing expectations is one of the reasons I fought so hard to get here. So thank you, thank you for helping me get here. In case you are fighting your own fight, and in case it helps, whatever happens next, the fight was worth it.

A world of unexpected opportunities

There are a few key ways that change has happened that I thought it would be worth talking about. Most of these are internal, but this first one is not. I do feel like I get offered more opportunities now. Now, I don’t know for definite that this is a consequence of me making professor, but the timing feels coincidental.

Within weeks of it being official, I received my first requests for commissioned articles from journals. I’ve never had these before, and it was so exciting I accepted the first three without realising that this wasn’t a one-off and that they’d all result in a heap of extra work. I’m glad I did. It’s been nice to spread the opportunity by picking awesome co-authors who haven’t had paper writing opportunities previously or where it benefits most, like my PhD students. The ones I’ve done have been brilliant learning and fun, but to be honest, are too much on top of an already full-on job. Writing them on top of this blog has been fairly challenging as I don’t get a lot of time at home as it is.

I also get a lot of invites to attend events and sit on committees, etc. These have always happened, but they happen much more frequently now. The same is also true with paper and grant reviews for organisations. The irony of some of this is that many of these opportunities are probably much more needed for those who are working to get established or still ticking the essential boxes rather than being wasted on me. I’m honoured, and I still get a lot out of them and feel I can contribute, but I’m not sure we should focus so much on defaulting to including the already embedded, maybe we should be opening those doors wider? That said, I’m frequently the only woman or scientist in those rooms, and so maybe these invites are just that? Still, I will try to pay it forward and spread the inclusion if I can by sending others and stepping back.

A certain kind of freedom

Most of the changes, as I said above, have been in how I feel and see myself. There is a freedom in feeling you’ve achieved something that felt out of reach. It validates the dream, and the sheer act of achieving one means that it inspires you to dream more and dream bigger. It also provides a level of freedom in terms of academic thought and process. I feel there is less justifying my research interests, removing some of the early hurdles you have to get over when starting any project.

There is also freedom to have a voice and express your opinions. Now, I’ve never been exactly meek about this. You read this blog after all. Being called a disrupter and boat rocker in the past is one of the reasons I didn’t think making professor would happen. Now I’m on the other side of the line, I feel even more empowered to stand tall as it would have been easier to not give it to me than it is to take it away. I think secretly everyone loves a little bit of disruption to the status quo.

A need to change my automatic yes

One of the things I still need to get better at and embrace more is the art of saying no. Interestingly, becoming a professor has really helped with this. All of the reasons why are touched on in the following sections, but this sits as an aspect within all of them. It’s changed my thinking about saying no as a negative thing, which I need to justify and flagelate myself over. Saying no to things I’ve come to realise can be an incredibly positive choice, both for myself and others. I’m embracing the power of no, and I would encourage you to do the same.

A need to change my mindset

One of the things that I wrote about in the original post when I made professor was about the fact that you have to demonstrate that you have achieved and ticked a fairly large number of boxes, from publications and grant funding to teaching and public engagement. In all honesty, some of these boxes will appeal to each person more than others. Many of them I love, and some of them are just key parts of the job. There are others however that I can now be more selective about.

I’ve always struggled with feeling like I have to cover all bases, as I didn’t have certainty about where I would end up. Career pathways in Healthcare Science were not very obvious when I started, and so you had to maintain and develop all aspects in case that’s where the job or opportunity would be. There is so much joy in knowing where that path has led, but also in having certainty about the fact that I have the power to now make informed choices about my next steps, as I know where I’ve ended up. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but being the master of your own destiny gives you the ability to choose steps that serve your purpose rather than trying to be everything to everyone. It provides freedom from the constant striving to please.

A redefinition of identity

Something that has been a challenge for me over the last few years has been linked to whether I’m still a scientist. This may sound odd, as of course, I still do a lot of scientific activities: writing papers, reviewing grants, sorting protocols etc, but I don’t DO science any more. I’m not in the lab wearing a lab coat processing specimens, I’m also not often there undertaking experiments. It’s taken me a while to come to terms with the fact that all of the activities that don’t take place in a lab are still part of what makes me a scientist. I find this one fascinating, as it took me ages to ‘feel’ like I was a scientist, and I went through a complete panic at the thought of no longer being considered one. The process of redefining my identity to include these new aspects has been been important, but not always straight forward.

A stronger sense of self

Titles shouldn’t change how you feel about yourself, they shouldn’t, your sense of self should not be dependent on labels. The thing is though, those labels sometimes make life easier. I’m still the same person I was before I became a consultant or a professor. I’ve not morphed overnight into someone different. It does however remove some of that constant need I have to prove myself and show to others I’m good enough, whatever that means. When I’m questioned and challenged, which of course does and should happen, it enables me to have slightly less self doubt. I’m not saying that questioning yourself is not a useful reflective tool, everything is good in moderation, but sometimes I can lean too far into that questioning. I feel like having gone through the external review process, by people who have never met me, and been assessed as reaching this level of knowledge and experience does give me a baseline level of confidence that I didn’t have before. This confidence translates itself into an improved sense of self assurance which is really helpful across my professional practice.

An increased sense of responsibility

Now, I’m not old and dead yet, but crossing this milestone has really made me think about what I want next, and what the next phase looks like. Over the last year I’ve come to realise that the crucial thing for me is about opening doors for others. I want others to be able to progress in a more defined way than I did, and to find some of the doors already ajar. They will face different obstacles, but I feel like that is how we move forward. I really feel that increased sense of responsibility to help those who will come after to me, and to pay forward the support that I have had along the way to others. Having ticked my boxes it’s time to help others tick theirs.

A new sense of direction

All of this has given me a sense of direction, one that involves not being afraid to be seen, and of embracing sticking my head above the parapet for the sake of change and for the sake of others. For the first time in my career I have a stable permanent post which means that I can afford to take risks in a way that I couldn’t have really contemplated before. I have privilege, that I recognise, own, and want to harness for the benefit of others.

I want to be in this position and still be me. I want to wave my geek flag, hold my head high as an obstinate head strong girl, and show that you don’t have to fit the mould in order to be successful. It’s one reason that this blog continues to be important to me. I want to show you can have self doubt and still progress. That you can make mistakes and learn from them, and that that’s OK. I want to stand tall and embrace being ‘Too Much’ to show you don’t have to compromise who you are to make things happen. That you can aspire and achieve more than you dreamed possible by being entirely, authentically you. I want to use the platform I’ve been given and hope that you will all join me along the way,

All opinions in this blog are my own

Me and My Bathroom: Being an adult scientist has way more to do with bathrooms than I’d expected

girlymicro General, Healthcare Science, Microbiology (Clinical) , , , , ,

Last week, I was lucky enough to be the Lord Mayor’s Colloquies (an academic conference or seminar) on water and sanitation, where the wonderful Dr Susanne Surman-Lee was speaking. It was an event sponsored by the Lord Mayor and supported by the Worshipful Company of Plumbers.

What has this got to do with bathrooms I hear you ask? Is it because it was on water and sanitation? Is it because these things impact healthcare design? Or are linked with infectious diseases? Is it because of the LAKANA Mali study? You’d like to think, but actually the trigger for this post was none of these things. It was triggered because I have a habit of hiding in bathrooms.

Hiding in bathrooms

I have posted before about networking, and that I’m not a natural in this regard. I have over time developed tools and approaches to aid me, but I still don’t love it. Now for a confession, and to be honest I genuinely don’t know if this is just a me thing as I haven’t really talked about it. Sometimes when I just can’t face networking, I hide in the bathroom of wherever the event is taking place so I don’t have to be in the room until just before the event start so I don’t even have to try. I’ve hidden in some pretty Class A bathrooms in my time, at the Houses of Parliament, at fancy hotels and most recently at Mansion House.

Some days, I just can’t face the sea of people and trying to come up with something interesting that I can bring to the conversation. It is especially bad when entering rooms when I just don’t know anyone or at least anyone well. Occasionally, my game face just fails me and so I find myself locked in a toilet cubicle negotiating with myself about what point I will leave in order to still look like I’m arriving in a timely fashion and with a window to grab some tea.

The negotiation is also about convincing myself to not a) hide at the back of the room, b) just call it quits and go home, and c) look confident and like I haven’t been hiding in a bathroom when I enter the room.

The negotiating doesn’t end here. Many years ago I made a deal with myself. I am allowed to hide in the bathroom, but only pre-event. Once I make it to the room I am not allowed to leave without speaking to at least one person I don’t know. It doesn’t have to be extensive, but it has to be a deliberate act of networking. One of the reasons I find this bit easier is because post event, at least, the one thing I have in common with the other attendees is that we’ve just engaged in the same activity. So that’s the rule, one person, one conversation before I’m allowed to leave. I don’t know if I’m the only one that has these types of rules, but now you all know if you see me hiding out in a bathroom, there is a reason why.

Developing a more than normal interest in bathrooms and water

You won’t just find me in bathrooms at events, however. Working in IPC has waaaaay more to do with bathrooms than I could ever have imagined before I came into post. From overflowing toilets to drain flies, we deal with it all. We often joke that we don’t know which members of the team are Mario and which are Luigi, as even when it isn’t an IPC issue, we still get all the plumbing calls.

As time has progressed, I’ve developed strong opinions on a wealth of topics that I never thought would hold meaning for me, from sink design to tap choice. I’ve also learnt a lot more about IPS panels (the panels at the back of your sink) and TMVs (thermostatic mixer valves) and how both can impact on other areas, such as my need to revalidate my specialist mechanically ventilated rooms.

One of the key things I’ve learnt, as well as being open to continuously learning, is that relationships in this area are key. This is an area where you need to be able to ‘phone a friend’. Friends aren’t just other people in IPC. You need to build relationships with engineers and designers, as well as those people in the lab who can talk you through your water-based results. You simply can’t do this one alone. There are too many factors. Collaboration is key, and the sooner we recognise we can’t do it alone, the more impactful we will be.

Promoted to a bathroom

I don’t know if there’s any meaning behind it, or whether it is just an amusing coincidence, but when I finally got to a point in my career where I was allowed my own office it turned out it was a converted toilet cubicle. My office still says on-call bathroom on the door, alongside one of my favourite things the team have ever given me, my Dame Elaine sign (they always joke it will happen one day). It is a rather compact space, but I love it, and at least they remembered to take the actual toilet out.

The irony of a blog post that starts with how much I hide in bathroom cubicles then discussing how my office is now one is not lost on me. Quite a lot of people don’t like it as a space, as it has no natural light or any ventilation. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been hiding in bathrooms for way longer than I had a bathroom office, but I find it a really comforting space. I like the lack of distractions. I like being able to spin my chair and reach for anything I need. I like being able to listen to peppy music whilst I work, as I hate working in silence, and not having to worry about bothering others. To me, it’s sanctuary.

Being considered a bathroom expert

One of the things I didn’t realise when I started out as a Healthcare Scientist is how organically interests grow and end up turning into something more. I started involving myself in all things built environment and IPC, because I wanted to understand it better. I wanted to learn more. As time went on that wanting to learn led me to develop more and more questions, as I found gaps in the literature and questions I couldn’t find the answers to. Maybe because I am a scientist, those questions led me to create studies and collaborate with others to gain knowledge that not only solved some things but also created more questions. I’ve also had the painful experience of making bad decisions based on a lack of evidence to enable me to make better ones. Therefore, I think this area (water and water safety) is one that is often overlooked and yet is critical to all healthcare and healthcare environments.

One of the reasons it’s so easy to make less than ideal judgements and decisions in this area is that IPC teams get so little training on this. Most will know something about Legionella pneumophila and Pseudomonas aeruginosa, but very few will know much about other key organisms, such as atypical mycobacteria or Elizabethkingae. What can feel like fairly low consequence decisions based on aesthetic appeal, such as which tap you prefer, can have significant consequences down the line which might not be seen for years. This can make it hard to tie up cause and effect in order to lead to improved learning without external support.

I never aspired to, or meant to be considered an expert in this area, but somehow I have accrued some level of knowledge by being in a Trust that is always building, and having stayed in one place for 20 years to see the cause and effect in real time. For the same reasons, I’ve also published a few papers linked to ways to improve water hygiene, although only a handful.

The main thing I’ve done is establish the Environment Network as a way to share learning and talk through challenges, and more recently, a course that sits alongside it to help support those who are interested and don’t want to make the same trial and error mistakes that I did. I am far from an expert in reality. There’s too much to learn, and the landscape alters too quickly. What I am is intellectually curious and determined to try to learn enough that every decision I make it better than the last one.

Bathroom based recognition

I started this post talking about a Worshipful Company of Plumbers sponsored event at Mansion House and my bathroom based adventures. I thought I should finish it by telling you why I was there and how this transpired in case any of you would be interested in joining me at future versions.

As I said, there don’t seem to be that many people who work clinically who are interested in water safety, although I’m pleased to say the number is increasing. There are, however, amazing women working in this area from the microbiology perspective, women like Dr Susanne Surman-Lee and Elise Maynard. The brilliant thing about these women is that they are truly interested in engaging with others and also raising up other women. I first met Susanne 17 years ago as a trainee when she was working at UKHSA, she won’t remember the event but she made a definite impression on me, and I’ve known Elise for over a decade. They are my ‘phone a friends’ when I need expert advice. They also lead on a bunch of different guideline writing groups in relation to water, and over the years have been kind enough to include me so that these groups, which are usually fairly heavily engineering led, include a clinical perspective.

Over the years, we have written a few BSI guidelines together, and the one that I think is most useful to those of you out there in IPC is this one, BS 8580-2:2022 Water quality. Risk assessments for Pseudomonas aeruginosa and other waterborne pathogens. It has a wonderful table at the back from Elise that contains all of the kinds of organisms you are aiming to control and if there are any specific areas to be considered, such as Klebsiella pneumoniae and sinks. We’re currently writing a new one to help people make sampling based decisions, and one on atypical mycobacteria should hopefully start later in the year. Susanne also organises the Royal Society of Public Health water webinar series, and I’ve been fortunate enough to deliver a couple.

All of which ended up with me being here:

Worshipful Company of Plumbers Livery Ceremony May 2023

In 2022, I was asked if I’d consider becoming a Liveryman for the Worshipful Company of Plumbers, linked to my work on water and women in leadership. It’s been a fascinating process, and at some point I might do a blog post on it. Needless to say, I agreed and in May 2023 I was clothed in the Livery. One of the great things about joining has been to meet so many people who are also really interested in how we manage water better and differently. There are also so many different perspectives. At the Mansion House event, my one conversion ended up being the leader of a sustainability nonprofit who was interested in using STEAM (science, technology, engineering, arts and mathematics) approaches to change how people think about water. This strikes a bell with me, as some of the challenges in the healthcare setting are around people thinking of sink areas being ‘clean’, whereas they are frequently highly loaded with bacteria and therefore potential risk.

Members of my team now jokingly refer to me as Her Plumbship, and all plumbing queries are light heartedly directed my way. The thing is, in this area, none of us can do it alone. I’m not a plumber (despite what my CV says). Nor am I an engineer, an environmental microbiologist or sustainability expert. If we are to make things better, make thing safer and deliver on key goals like those listed by the UN, we have to come together. We have to embrace the fact that there is no such thing as a stupid question, be prepared to stick our heads above the parapet and be uncomfortable in our lack of knowledge in order to work towards a better shared understanding.

All opinions in this blog are my own