August is always a time of reflection for me. If my niece, Morgan, had made it to term, she would have been born on the 18th August, and this year she would have turned 15. The loss of her, her mum, and the impact of those loses on my own choices about having children myself, are therefore very much on my mind. You can probably see from the posts below, however, that how I’ve felt, and my thought processes linked to these events, have very much developed and changed over time, from a position of devastation to one where I am able to look forward and be grateful for the life choices still available to me.
Now, I know that many others are on a journey linked similar experiences, and so I thought it would be worth updating this blog series with where I have now arrived, in order to close off this experience arc, and hopefully show that you can find your joy at the end of the rainbow.
I’ve talked a lot previously about the loss of not being able to have children but I don’t think I’ve talked enough about what I’ve gained. Now, I want to start by saying that I don’t think many of the obstacles to work success, or professional engagement, that I cover in this are right. I strongly believe that you shouldn’t have to choose between family and career success. The system is in many ways broken, so that there is still a need to makes decisions and prioritise whether you choose family or work, across jobs in both academia and healthcare. That said, it is the reality that I often observe, and for someone who, somewhat, had the ability to make that choice taken away, I do think it’s worth talking about what I have gained, rather than focusing on what was removed.
I also want to be clear about 2 things as part of these reflections. First being that the dynamics obviously change over time. The equation is different if you have a 5 year old, vs a 15 year old, vs a 25 year old, and probably even more so if you have one child versus five. The second is that I’m claiming no expertise in this. This blog is purely written from my lived experience. It is not here to provide judgement about anyone else and their choices. Your mileage may therefore vary about how much this resonates or speaks to you. This study is a n=1, with all the caveats that come with that.
Ability to make different choices about retirement
Many of you will know that I’m a planner. I always have a sense of direction of travel for the next 10 years. I tend to flounder and feel stressed if I don’t. I had a plan to start a family. For some time the fact that I didn’t have a plan was in itself stressful, but then I made new plans, especially when it comes to work. Now, if things go to plan, I know my retirement date will be the 3rd October 2034. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t intend to stop working, but I intend to work in a way that I have a better work life balance and can achieve some other aspirations. At that point I will have done 30 years in the NHS, and I think it’s also important that I move out of the space I currently hold, so that someone else can be given the opportunity to enjoy the gift of a job I have.
I’m planning to move to the coast, with a view of the ocean, and write pathology murder mysteries 3 days a week. I can only have this plan, however, because I don’t have children who will be financially reliant on me, or who need us to stay in a specific geographical location. All of which frees me to make a different set of decisions to my friends who, currently, have small children.
Ability to enrich my life in different ways
There is no doubt in my mind about how lucky people with children are. They have bonds and experiences that are unique. There’s also no doubt in my mind that it must be far from easy, and although the benefits out weigh those challenges, it can’t be rainbows and bunnies the whole time.
I am fortunate enough to have a number of close friends who let their children call me Aunty, and so I get snap shots of what that must be like. I don’t feel like my life lacks for enrichment though. I am freed to be able to enrich my life in different ways, which likely would not have been possible with children.
Writing books whilst holding down a full time job requires 1) the most patient of husbands 2) writing by 7am on weekends, sometimes for 12 hours at a time. If I had children, even with the super supportive husband, I think weekends would need to look very different and this just wouldn’t be an option for me. I get such pleasure, and learn so much by going after these goals, and appreciate how fortunate I am to be able to make the choice to do so.
Ability to travel to conferences and for work
I’ve always loved to travel, although I’m also someone who likes to lock herself away and enjoy quality time with Mr Girlymicro. During conference season this year I was travelling at least once a month for conferences, and that is with deliberately being selective about how many invites I accepted. I also have roles, such as that with the Health and Safety Executive, which require me to travel and stay away from home, and for a long time I was an international Ambassador for infection organisations in the US. All of which means frequent travel, not infrequently over weekends.
I think my capacity to do these added extras has benefited me professionally, but has also brought me a lot of joy and satisfaction on a personal level. My capacity to engage with them, I believe, would have been severely limited if I was also needing to prioritise family in a different way. I adore spending time with Mr Girlymicro, but if I’m away for a few days that can always be an excuse for him to have friends over for board games or do other things. Leaving him repeatedly as the sole carer would be a very different ask, and pretty unfair. Our joint ability to travel is also much easier, as we are paying for 2 rather than 3 or more, whilst also not needing to pay a school holiday subsidy. We avoid travelling in school holidays, partly because I’m not keen on the heat, but mostly because we can get so much more for the same budget by travelling off peak.
Ability to spend more quality time with loved ones
It’s no secret that, even after over 2 decades together, I would spend every moment of my life with Mr Girlymicro if I could. He’s my world, and I adore him. We also have a small and wonderful close circle of friends and family that, because of work and other commitments, I don’t get to spend enough time with even now. I don’t know how I would maintain any of this hard won balance if I’d added children to the mix. I guess the whole thing would just look different, not better, not worse, just different.
The quality time I spend probably also looks different without children. I love just being able to relax and be present with those I love. I don’t really function well with chaos, and introducing more complexity would certainly impact the moments of togetherness that I prioritise and make me so happy. Chilling on the sofa together, going to the cinema and hiding in Mr Girlymicro’s shoulder during a scary movie. The small moments that give my life meaning. These would all look different and I’m really happy with what I have.
Ability to make choices about professional progression
My job is a large part of my identity, sometimes too large a part – which is something I’m working on. There is no way to get around how I think children would have impacted this one, even with a husband who is so incredibly supportive, I can’t see how I would have managed to make Consultant and Professor if I also had caring commitments. Taking my FRCPath exams required 5 am studying before work and then putting in the hours every evening and every weekend. Papers and talks are often prepped at weekends, as there are never enough hours in the working day. I am in awe of people who manage these aspects whilst having children, but combined with needing to manage my health needs, I don’t think it would have been possible to me.
I feel like the positions I have enable me to give back, and to have so much more impact than I would have been able to have otherwise, and I find that so fulfilling. I suspect that this fulfillment is just different to that I would have had with and through children, but I am very grateful for the career I have and the opportunities that come my way because of it.
Ability to be selfish
This picture was taken at a friends recent event. There was a wonderful pool party going on, but I’m less keen on being outdoors, especially when the heat is intense. I’m also not great with big crowds, especially when confined with a lot of people, such as in a swimming pool.
I took the opportunity to sneak away to a lovely calm space and indulged myself by reading a book I’ve been desperate to finish, in air con with a glass of pimms. All of the parents were there by the pool, managing and looking out for the large number of children present. I was able to make a decision that worked for me, grabbing some real r&r, without having to manage the needs of my little ones.
I think the selflessness of parents is amazing, admirable, and something to be recognised and applauded. That said, I am really glad to be able to make decisions that work for me. Spending my days working in an environment where you always want to put the needs of patients first, it’s nice to be able to walk away and make a different choice in my down time. This is a gift that I don’t take for granted, and am highly appreciative of. I can nap when I want, eat when I want, and have down time and recovery when it works for my schedule. I love that for me.
Ability to live life on my terms
I love Christmas. I adore all things Disney. Mr Girlymicro and I love nothing more than a movie night, preferably accompanied by chinese food. I don’t have to have to know about Bluey, Peppa Pig, or the latest trend in children’s TV. My evenings and weekends are not about attending children’s parties, taking the kids to after school clubs, swimming classes, or drama groups.
So many of my friends have very little time for catching up outside of child centered events. This is not a problem, they have made friends with other parents who are also taking children to similar sessions. It does mean their capacity to join other events, or even have conversations, about activities that are not linked to their children can be limited. This is entirely normal, in fact I think it’s probably the only sane way to live. It does feel, to me, that their ties outside of these circles understandably often drift over time as a result.
We all have different groups that we are part of, and our participation in them will naturally wax and wane. I enjoy the fact that I can make these choices actively, based on how I want to choose to spend my time, rather than as a consequence of other factors. This one comes back a little to the being happy to be able to make selfish choices, but really, it’s about being able to have autonomy to make choices at all. I am able to prioritise things that make me (and Mr Girlymicro) happy, stimulated, or satiated, without guilt, and that is a freedom that I don’t take for granted.
Ability to open, and hold doors open, for others
So far, this post has been all about me, but I do think that the benefits extend further. I am fortunate, because of my position, to be able to undertake work that supports others, be that mentorship, supervision, sponsorship, or other ways to provide one on one support. I wouldn’t have the time or the resource to provide this kind of support if the time and resources I had available were channeled into raising children. (I’m not saying there aren’t people out there who manage to do both – just saying I think I would find it hard)
There have been nights when I have supported PhD data collection for others until late into the evening. There have been events where I’ve supported others on weekends. There has been many a call outside of working hours. All of which have been enabled by me being able to choose how to spend my time, and to invest that time in others. I get the joy of seeing others develop and flourish, which I find incredibly rewarding. They just aren’t my blood. The relationships built still have strength and value, and I value them highly. Supporting others is key to my core values and I love that I get to continue to do this,
Ability to invest energy in others
The other area, where I’ve been able to invest more widely, has been in finding time to run events, conferences, and even this blog. Running 100+ person conferences can’t be managed just within the day job. It requires making conference packs on weekends, organising printing and chasing speakers by email on evenings. Even with a great team supporting, the time needed means that work and home life blur. This is even more true with some of my other passion projects, like The Nosocomial Project, where the events take place on evenings and weekends, when the audience can attend. These various pieces have enabled me to reach thousands of people who have, hopefully, found benefit, but have also inspired me in return.
This blog provides me with a lot of joy, it aids my thinking, but a significant motivator has always been the hope that others find it useful. It does take time and resource though. There are costs in terms of money, for paying for the platform, email account etc, which might be hard to justify if I had a family that needed additional investment. It also has a considerable cost in terms of time. Often time is created by snatched hours during lunch or commuting, but it is usually requires at least one evening of focus a week. This time investment, and the associated thinking time, might be harder to identify if I didn’t have the ability to allocate my time in the way I do. The blog continues to grow and now reaches over 20,000 across over 100 countries every year. That growth requires a consistency of investment that I feel blessed to be able to provide, and would be more challenging if I had different demands on my resources.
Ability to prioritise in the moment
We all know I’m a planner, I’m not a massively spontaneous person. I do, however, have specific areas in my life where I enjoy the ability to make decisions on impulse. Now, I have to say these mostly relate to food. I am guilty of having the ‘fancies’ and I like to eat at places that come to my attention. This means that I may suddenly say to Mr Girlymicro that I really want to try out the latest dim sum place from Instagram, or that it has been ages since I went to my favourite seafood restaurant. I love being able to ask him to meet me after work so we can try places out. No worry about school pick up. No need to arrange a baby sitter. No concerns about whether the location is family friendly, or whether the reservation isn’t until 9:30. The whole process is much more straight forward for us than for my friends, who need to get everyone fed and home by bed time.
In recent months, I’ve also become a fan of the last minute theatre deal, or spontaneous cinema trip. I’ve been known to head to the cinema, and as Mr Girlymicro and I exit one screening, decide to already be booking into a follow on movie. I’ve been re-defining who I am outside of work, and these theatre and cinema trips mean a lot to me. I’m not going to want to spend £80+ a ticket to go and see something in the West End, but I’m loving taking advantage of a last minute £30 ticket. This also works so much better for me with the unpredictable nature of my work. I’ve lost track of the amount of money I’ve lost on tickets over the years from sudden work emergencies meaning I cannot attend events. This way I get to really get an improved work life balance, without fearing that work will stop me getting to the experience. I cannot tell you how much this has improved my general well being, and how much I’m enjoying life right now. I don’t know that this approach would be possible with the number of competing demands that come with a larger family dynamic. I’m sure that having kids would improve my well-being in other ways, but I am loving the way I get to experience life right now, and all the enrichment and joy I have in my world.
No matter with where you sit on all of this. The life choices you’ve either made, or have been made for you. It is possible to find a way back to joy, contentment with your day to day, and find value in your life. I hope this post has shared a tale which began with loss and has ended in more than just acceptance, it has ended with re-defining who I am and living in a place of joy. Loss will always be part of me, but so will the wondrous experiences that have happened since. This is more than talking a glass half full approach, it’s about reaching for the bottle of champagne and refilling the glass. Cheers!
All opinions in this blog are my own
Photo credits Steve Cross, Jon Cloutman-Green, and Rachel McKinary-Bridges
Girlymicro 