success

Practicing My ‘It’s Lovely to be Considered Face’: Why we should celebrate all the moments, not just the successes

girlymicro General, Healthcare Science , , , , , , , ,

Today, I’m at the Advancing Healthcare Awards, as I’ve been shortlisted for an award from the Academy of Healthcare Science. It’s so lovely to be considered, especially as this nomination was linked to this blog, and it’s the first time I’ve ever been considered for something linked to Girlymicro. That obviously means an awful lot. In all honesty I’m highly unlikely to win, and that is nothing to do with modesty. If you don’t know the other people listed below, they are all pretty epic, and I think are much more aligned with the judging category.

The thing is for me, it’s not about the winning, it’s about sharing in the success of others, and that’s what I’m really looking forward to. Now, you may roll your eyes at me, and say that I am just saying that as everyone wants to win. I acknowledge that I won’t refuse the award if offered, but I can genuinely say that I’m OK to be the person that cheers loudly for others. I’m lucky enough to have won a number of awards in my time, and I’m even more fortunate to have been considered for many more.

At the start, I really did think it was about the winning, but over the years my appreciation of just being in the room has grown. Now, I consider the fact that someone has given their precious time to nominate me the real win. Time is the thing that no one has a lot of, and for someone to use it on something for me means the absolute world. This isn’t just true for awards, however, my point of view and how I celebrate has changed for most things, from grant writing and papers, to goals in my personal life. Doing my PhD, and writing my PhD thesis, really caused me to actively think about what works for me. So, I thought on a day like today I would share my thinking in case it helps others.

What success looks like feels different at different times

As I’ve said above, I haven’t always had the same attitude to marking progress and success as I have now. I think undertaking a PhD, and trying to make my way as a clinical academic, where so much of what happens results in failure, really caused me to actively think about how I maintained my motivation and marked progress. This is especially true for long terms goals, including those career milestones which occur over years rather than months, and where there are likely to be a lot of peaks and troughs along the way.

It’s important to also know that success feels different at different moments in life. There have certainly been times in recent years where the successes I’ve marked have not been about the big things. They haven’t been about winning large amounts of grant funding or awards. My successes have been about getting through the week, and to be honest, sometimes they have been about getting through the day. The pandemic hit me hard and I think I’m still in recovery mode. At these times, for me, it’s about finding and celebrating the small wins and setting myself small targets, in order to feel like I’m still moving forward.

If you only celebrate the successes you miss out

I wish I’d learn to change my attitude to success earlier. I feel like, in hindsight, I missed out on enjoying some of the journey of my career by being so target focused, and only appreciated the big mile stones. I’ve always been the same though. When I was at uni or doing my A-levels, I was so focused on getting through the exams, I never had the energy to go out and celebrate afterwards with everyone else. I would just go home and crash out. Making the shift to celebrating the steps along the way has made such a change to my perfectionism by making me appreciate the building blocks it takes to achieve. I also think it has made me a better mentor, supervisor and leader, as I now encourage others to do the same. Don’t just celebrate when you get a paper accepted. Celebrate when you have finished writing it and you are ready to submit. Celebrate getting a first draft of your thesis written, not just the day that you pass. Celebrate completing a section of your training portfolio, not just the day you get the completion certificate. Celebrate the fact that you have done the work, shown up and made the effort. Not just the outcome, about which you may have little control.

Acknowledge the work done

There are days when you will not achieve. That is just the reality. There will be days when you stare at the screen and manage to eek out 300 words, rather than finding your rhythm and getting down 2000 plus. To try to persuade yourself otherwise will just set you up for failure. It’s important to work out where the benchmark for celebration is, and also to match the reward to the benchmark. For me, some days that’s rewarding myself with a bubble bath if I finish a blog post early enough to make the time. Some days, it’s saying if I can make it through the next 30 minutes of meetings I’ll reward myself with a biscuit and a cup of tea. Other days, it will be that I can buy myself the dress I want if I can get back to running a continuous 5K. Not everything is worthy of a reward, in my world, I still have to set and meet a target. It’s just that target gets flexed these days based on the reality I find myself in. I still have to do the work, there is no free pass.

Marking progress in any form is worthwhile

The reason I now adjust my benchmarks is that I’ve learnt the value of movement, and not being paralysed by the size of the task ahead or the pressure I’ve placed upon myself. If you only celebrate the big moments, the end points, then in the times in-between it can be easy to feel like this movement doesn’t exist, as it’s harder to realise the progress you are making. This could just be me, but there is so much value to psychologically feeling like you have momentum. That even if the way up the hill is slow and painful, you are still getting closer to the summit. There’s a figure banded around that only 20% of grant submissions are successful. Most of the essays that get submitted will not get A’s, and for every successful interview candidate there will be multiple people that don’t get the job. If you don’t acknowledge and notice the progress it is easy to get overwhelmed by the failures. So mark progress where it happens so that you don’t just see the ‘no’s’.

There is always value in feeling seen

I’ve written before about all the reasons I think it is important to nominate others for awards. A lot of the reasons why you should nominate for awards also hold true for putting people forward for other opportunities, such as membership of committees, or inclusion on grants and papers. It can feel very lonely when you are carving out a path for yourself, especially if you are not following a well trodden path. Nominating and putting others forward can help them feel recognised, but the same is also true for you. Opening ourselves up to risk of failure, of not being chosen, or receiving feedback that may not be glowing can be hard. The thing is, this is how you build networks and get seen. This is how your name gets known. You may not get that opportunity, but it may be that the panel remember you for a future one where you may be more suited. This one comes back to celebrating the things that are in your power to control. You have control over the submission, over the putting yourself out there. You don’t have control over how your attempt lands (other than making sure you put in the work), or who you are competing against. So the success to celebrate here is the courage it took to take a chance, and step out of your comfort zone. Celebrate rolling the dice on yourself.

Feedback can be the greatest gift

I’ve received some pretty hard core feedback in my time, everything from ‘you contribute negligibly to infection prevention and control’ to ‘there does not appear to be anything that demonstrates this applicant has anything exceptional or above average for their future career trajectory’. I’ve had documents returned covered in red, comments about the fact that I can’t write, and grant rejections where I’m pretty sure they didn’t even open the form, despite the fact I’d sacrificed 6 months of my life to complete it. Needless to say, it is these comments I remember rather than any of the ones that said anything positive or nice about my submissions.

Now, I’m not saying that I celebrate the harsh ones right away, I permit myself a period of processing. This period of processing is easier and shorter if I’ve allowed myself to celebrate the work it took to get the submission in. After this period of processing/mourning, however, I make an active choice to go through and find the learning. I find the commentary that is based in fact, no matter how uncomfortable. The commentary that is actionable, and I reflect on how to make the change/improvement. I try to learn how to be better for next time. I then celebrate my engagement with the process. It may not be a party. It may be a ‘thank god that’s done’ drink, but I mark it. I mark the learning and I mark the fact that I had the courage to do the work that was hard/unpleasant. Celebration shouldn’t just be about joy. For me, it’s about acknowledgement of significant moments, and that includes failure as long as there’s learning.

Any journey worth taking is filled with moments of tantalising closeness

Traditionally, success is often seen as moving from point A to point B. In reality, in my experience, success is more like a series of concentric circles where improvement is cumulative, and often based on iterative improvement. Therefore any journey actually has a lot of near misses with success before success actually occurs. It’s actually important to notice when these near misses occur, rather than just discounting them as failures. These near misses represent huge steps of progress in themselves, and therefore deserve to be acknowledge as an important part of the journey. Not least because, by celebrating them, it can make it easier to take on and include the learning they provide, rather than discounting them as just another failure. The lens through which we see these moments can have a direct impact on how quickly we move from near miss to direct strike. Attitude is everything, and so make sure you embrace these as the opportunities they really are.

Sometimes the moments between successes can be protracted

There are things in life and professional practice that are the work of years, rather than weeks or months. Even if a project is over months, there can be moments when it is hard going. Writing a big report can feel soul destroying when you are on draft 54 and everyone has given conflicting feedback. Undertaking a professional portfolio can just be draining when you can’t get anyone to give you the time needed to sign off competencies or review sections. Then there are things like a PhD which run over years and are comprised of numerous stages, all of which are likely to rely on other people at various points, or to practice skills you are only just learning. All of this means the time from commencement to completion can be long, causing relying on internal motivation alone to be pretty hard going. By acknowledging that these bigger pieces of work are comprised of segments, and celebrating completion of these parts instead, can enable you to visualise progress made as well as to celebrate the learning gained along the way. It can also help you to regain momentum when you lose it.

The real learning occurs long before the end point

Talking about celebrating learning, this is an important point for me. It’s taken me a while to really stop and reflect on what ‘success’ really means. For a long time if you’d asked me I would have said it was the completion of something, but I’m not sure I would any more. The certificate at the end, or the gateway is symbolic of that completion, but for me now it’s more symbolic of the learning and change that occurred within me as part of the process. It’s the hard won changes, in either knowledge or outlook, that have been gained that are the real marker of change linked to the activity. This learning happens as you are involved in the process, and there is normally a fairly steep learning curve at the start. It therefore makes less and less sense to me to just celebrate at the end. Celebrating during the toughest moments, where the maximum learning is being gained, no matter where along the process that occurs, now makes the most sense. For me, success is getting to the point where I feel I do something better than I did before, be that decision making, leadership, or a practical skill, and so I celebrate when these breakthroughs occur, rather than relying entirely on an external evaluation of my progress.

Share the moments

This photo was taken at another Advancing Healthcare Awards lunch, many years ago. You can see all the smiling faces of people still involved in my life even now. The thing is, I didn’t win, but that is not what I remember about the day. I remember a glorious afternoon and evening with people that I admire and care about. I remember laughing so hard that one of us fell over. I know that we still talk about that day even now. I don’t even remember what I was nominated for, because it is the people I remember, not the lack of a win.

All of this is to say, it is the people in our lives that make life worth it. It is the people who pick us up and put us back together. It is the people that celebrate our successes and cheer us on. So why would I want to have less of that, and restrict my access to these moments. Share the joy, share the progress, and share the moments that matter in making us who we are. Life is short, so seize it.

All opinions in this blog are my own

Taking the End of Year Hype with a Pinch of Salt: Understanding the social media declarations of successes probably come with undeclared context

girlymicro General, Writing , , , ,

I’m not a massive New Year person. I talk a lot about how much I love Christmas, but when it comes to New Year’s Eve, I kind of find putting so much pressure on a single night a bit much for me. That said, I do understand the benefits of using it as a moment to reflect, celebrate, and recognise the progress we’ve made. We all know that I’m a fan of ring fencing some time for reflection, I think the benefit and challenge of New Year is that it feels like the whole world is doing it simultaneously and occasionally the messaging that comes with that can be hard to digest and process.

I think it can be especially challenging if perhaps the year hasn’t gone so well or if you are going through something hard just as the year turns. The plethora of messaging out there, whilst laudable, can easily send individuals into a spiral that adds to what they were already dealing with. So, this year, instead of adding to that burden by merely posting my highs, I thought I would post a blog that I hope will remind anyone struggling to read those posts for what they truly are, nice words with limited context. I thought I would also throw in a few thoughts on how I work to process them when the world overwhelms me. Happy New Year, and welcome to 2024!

New Year is an arbitrary marker

The first thing I want to be clear about is that New Year is actually a completely arbitrary marker. There is nothing that states that this is the best time for you, as an individual, to reflect. January is cold and dark, and depending on how you feel about Christmas, it can come after a time that has already been emotionally challenging. It may not, therefore, be sensible to think you have the bandwidth to undertake some true reflection at this time. I see the world differently when the days are longer and when I have access to sunlight. I feel differently about the world when spring hits, and my challenges don’t seem as overwhelming. I thought I would start by saying, therefore, that there is no rule that you should do your reflection piece now. Choose a time that works for you. Be as individual as you choose and empowered to just opt out if you so wish.

Celebration and supporting others is important but…….

I’ve posted about how important I think it is to celebrate and support others. I think lifting each other up is key and an important way to give back. The way you do this doesn’t have to result in you damaging your own mental health and wellbeing however. You can choose to like posts as you scroll down them rather than fully engage and comment if you are having a difficult time. You can choose to have a social media break and know that at this time of the year, there will be plenty of others prepared to carry that particular load on your behalf. Sometimes, noting and filing away, so your congratulations or support comes later and individually, can actually be the more meaningful way to respond. My point I suppose is this, if you are in a difficult place there is nothing wrong with periodically prioritising your wellbeing.  This is different from choosing not to engage and celebrate others, and it’s OK, not that you need my permission or anything.

Not everything is as shiny as people say

One of the reasons I don’t fully engage with the hype at New Year is that I’m aware that people feel like they have to put something out there. Many people feel like they have to find something to shout about. I can, in many ways, see why this is helpful, as even if you’ve not had a great time, it encourages you to find the good. I actually feel this is a positive way to process if you are in the right space for it. If you are not, however, it can add undue pressure and make things worse. If you are in a place where you can’t do that processing, it’s worth noting 2 things. First, you will get to that place at some point. You just don’t need to get there in time for an arbitrary date that may or may not work for you. Second, a percentage of what you’re seeing posted won’t be from a place of true reflection and joy. It will come from the social pressure to post something.  There are a heap of people out there desperately trying to find something to say, and even more who are not posting anything as they are in the same space as you, they are just not visible in their absence. On this one, I would be aware of the absence of things as well as the presence of others and use it to help contextualise how your feeling.

Benchmarking against others is not always helpful

Betty, from the Tales of Female Badassery podcast, reminded me of a phrase today ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. It really struck me, today of all days, how true that can be. Benchmarking is a useful tool. It can inspire you, show us the possible, and help us plan the paths to our dreams. If you try to do it without full context or all the information, however, it can lead to negativity and self-recrimination. So, if you are tempted to fall down this particular rabbit hole, ask yourself……is this helpful? If the answer is no then it’s time to crawl your way back out into the sunlight and park it for later, you are probably either using the wrong sources or are not in the right head space for the undertaking. Your journey is yours, and benchmarking is a tool, not an outcome.

Life is multifactorial

You’ll see a lot of posts about professional success at this time of year. I wanted to take a moment to remind us all, however, that life is not just about work. When you are considering successes it needs to include not just work financial components but what happened in other aspects of your life. Did you take that drawing class you’ve wanted to? Did you finally manage to finish writing a poem? Did you get the kids to school in one piece this term? We are more than one thing, and our reflections should encompass all of who we are, not just a box that society deems we should tick off. It’s OK to bring all of you to whatever it is you’re doing, and that includes reflection and celebration. No one gets to tell you what matters and what is significant but you.

People are often not sharing the bits that didn’t go well

I have had an objectively amazing year. I got to go to eurovision, to the Kings Coronation, I got papers out, and won awards. All of which are brilliant.  The other side of that coin is that I’ve pretty much broken myself physically and mentally at points, to the extent that even writing this blog, which means so much to me, had to be paused for a month. Now, because of what this blog is, I’ve shared some of those challenges as well as the highs. You often don’t get to see both sides of the coin, however. Success often comes at a cost, and that is a conversation we often seem to avoid having. There is nothing wrong with deciding that it’s a cost that you are not currently prepared to pay. Even straightforward things, like exams, come with a financial and time penalties, and depending on where you are in life, you may say not now, or not ever. People are also always shocked when I talk about failure, as so many people don’t, but failure is a part of life, and it’s OK both that it happens and that we talk about it. You’ll see some people sharing their CVs of failure and this time of year, as well as their successes, and I think that that is brilliant and brave act, and something we should do more of.

You are on your own journey

Fundamentally,  we are all on our own path. No one will be on the same path as you. You have your own values, your own goals, your own history, all of which will be personal to you and impact on your decision-making. Celebrating rather than crushing that individuality under the weight of expectation and comparison is something I’ve found is key to my own happiness.

It actually, from my experience, takes a fair amount of courage to own this individuality and way of approaching the world. So what I’m wishing for us all in 2024 is the bravery to walk and own our paths, and to use that ownership to be a little less impacted by the distraction of the paths of others. You do you! Leave others to be themselves in turn.

Goals should support aspiration, not self-recrimination

Goals and even New Year’s resolutions should be tools that help us on this journey. They should not be a weight around your neck to suffocate you if you do not achieve them. Goals need to be flexible enough to change as the landscape changes, and we need to be able to respond and throw them off if there are no longer relevant. I think we should all bear this is mind, least of all me, even with what should be simple things. Sometimes, when I say I will post on a specific day and I don’t manage it, I will go into a flight of self recrimination that baffles Mr Girlymicro who points out that the world has neither ended nor has someone been harmed by my lack of delivery. Perspective is needed. What are the consequences of achieving a goal or not? They should be map markers to aid you. If they become more than this, they probably need to be reviewed and further understood as to why they matter so much. Understanding your drivers is key to understanding yourself after all.

Sometimes, getting off the hamster wheel is more important than staying on it

One of the things I can’t work out if I learnt due to the pandemic or would have learnt in my 40s anyway is that sometimes the goal itself may be to become OK with not having a goal. Sometimes, the important thing is not to tick another box, add another level, or achieve more. Sometimes, the important thing is to do the opposite, to do less, take on less, to feel freed. In a world about consumption and visible gain it can be hard to feel legitimately able to make decisions that go against the tide and decide it’s time for a break. It’s often not even talked about as an option. It is however one. It’s OK to step away. It’s OK to table something for later. It’s OK to pause and re-evaluate. The rat race isn’t going anywhere. It will be there waiting for you when you are ready to re-join it. So go ahead and breath, everything will be fine.

Here’s to celebrating the little things in 2024

My 2024 will not therefore be filled with grand declarations. I’m hoping that it will still be filled with success, but the success that I want is about the little things. It’s about finding time to make and drink tea out of the pot instead of always rushing and having it from a tea bag in a cup. It’s about finding time to write this blog and be creative in a way that is joyful, not squeezed into existence. It’s about balancing my life and work, finding time to deal with my emails during working hours, and even on occasion seeing the bottom of my inbox. It’s about finding more moments with friends and family by achieving that balance. It’s about all those little moments every day that, for me, make life worthwhile. I hope that in 2024, you get whatever it is that you wish for and know, whatever you decide that is, that it is practically perfect in every way. Happy New Year.

All opinions in this blog are my own