happiness

Taking the End of Year Hype with a Pinch of Salt: Understanding the social media declarations of successes probably come with undeclared context

girlymicro General, Writing , , , ,

I’m not a massive New Year person. I talk a lot about how much I love Christmas, but when it comes to New Year’s Eve, I kind of find putting so much pressure on a single night a bit much for me. That said, I do understand the benefits of using it as a moment to reflect, celebrate, and recognise the progress we’ve made. We all know that I’m a fan of ring fencing some time for reflection, I think the benefit and challenge of New Year is that it feels like the whole world is doing it simultaneously and occasionally the messaging that comes with that can be hard to digest and process.

I think it can be especially challenging if perhaps the year hasn’t gone so well or if you are going through something hard just as the year turns. The plethora of messaging out there, whilst laudable, can easily send individuals into a spiral that adds to what they were already dealing with. So, this year, instead of adding to that burden by merely posting my highs, I thought I would post a blog that I hope will remind anyone struggling to read those posts for what they truly are, nice words with limited context. I thought I would also throw in a few thoughts on how I work to process them when the world overwhelms me. Happy New Year, and welcome to 2024!

New Year is an arbitrary marker

The first thing I want to be clear about is that New Year is actually a completely arbitrary marker. There is nothing that states that this is the best time for you, as an individual, to reflect. January is cold and dark, and depending on how you feel about Christmas, it can come after a time that has already been emotionally challenging. It may not, therefore, be sensible to think you have the bandwidth to undertake some true reflection at this time. I see the world differently when the days are longer and when I have access to sunlight. I feel differently about the world when spring hits, and my challenges don’t seem as overwhelming. I thought I would start by saying, therefore, that there is no rule that you should do your reflection piece now. Choose a time that works for you. Be as individual as you choose and empowered to just opt out if you so wish.

Celebration and supporting others is important but…….

I’ve posted about how important I think it is to celebrate and support others. I think lifting each other up is key and an important way to give back. The way you do this doesn’t have to result in you damaging your own mental health and wellbeing however. You can choose to like posts as you scroll down them rather than fully engage and comment if you are having a difficult time. You can choose to have a social media break and know that at this time of the year, there will be plenty of others prepared to carry that particular load on your behalf. Sometimes, noting and filing away, so your congratulations or support comes later and individually, can actually be the more meaningful way to respond. My point I suppose is this, if you are in a difficult place there is nothing wrong with periodically prioritising your wellbeing.  This is different from choosing not to engage and celebrate others, and it’s OK, not that you need my permission or anything.

Not everything is as shiny as people say

One of the reasons I don’t fully engage with the hype at New Year is that I’m aware that people feel like they have to put something out there. Many people feel like they have to find something to shout about. I can, in many ways, see why this is helpful, as even if you’ve not had a great time, it encourages you to find the good. I actually feel this is a positive way to process if you are in the right space for it. If you are not, however, it can add undue pressure and make things worse. If you are in a place where you can’t do that processing, it’s worth noting 2 things. First, you will get to that place at some point. You just don’t need to get there in time for an arbitrary date that may or may not work for you. Second, a percentage of what you’re seeing posted won’t be from a place of true reflection and joy. It will come from the social pressure to post something.  There are a heap of people out there desperately trying to find something to say, and even more who are not posting anything as they are in the same space as you, they are just not visible in their absence. On this one, I would be aware of the absence of things as well as the presence of others and use it to help contextualise how your feeling.

Benchmarking against others is not always helpful

Betty, from the Tales of Female Badassery podcast, reminded me of a phrase today ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. It really struck me, today of all days, how true that can be. Benchmarking is a useful tool. It can inspire you, show us the possible, and help us plan the paths to our dreams. If you try to do it without full context or all the information, however, it can lead to negativity and self-recrimination. So, if you are tempted to fall down this particular rabbit hole, ask yourself……is this helpful? If the answer is no then it’s time to crawl your way back out into the sunlight and park it for later, you are probably either using the wrong sources or are not in the right head space for the undertaking. Your journey is yours, and benchmarking is a tool, not an outcome.

Life is multifactorial

You’ll see a lot of posts about professional success at this time of year. I wanted to take a moment to remind us all, however, that life is not just about work. When you are considering successes it needs to include not just work financial components but what happened in other aspects of your life. Did you take that drawing class you’ve wanted to? Did you finally manage to finish writing a poem? Did you get the kids to school in one piece this term? We are more than one thing, and our reflections should encompass all of who we are, not just a box that society deems we should tick off. It’s OK to bring all of you to whatever it is you’re doing, and that includes reflection and celebration. No one gets to tell you what matters and what is significant but you.

People are often not sharing the bits that didn’t go well

I have had an objectively amazing year. I got to go to eurovision, to the Kings Coronation, I got papers out, and won awards. All of which are brilliant.  The other side of that coin is that I’ve pretty much broken myself physically and mentally at points, to the extent that even writing this blog, which means so much to me, had to be paused for a month. Now, because of what this blog is, I’ve shared some of those challenges as well as the highs. You often don’t get to see both sides of the coin, however. Success often comes at a cost, and that is a conversation we often seem to avoid having. There is nothing wrong with deciding that it’s a cost that you are not currently prepared to pay. Even straightforward things, like exams, come with a financial and time penalties, and depending on where you are in life, you may say not now, or not ever. People are also always shocked when I talk about failure, as so many people don’t, but failure is a part of life, and it’s OK both that it happens and that we talk about it. You’ll see some people sharing their CVs of failure and this time of year, as well as their successes, and I think that that is brilliant and brave act, and something we should do more of.

You are on your own journey

Fundamentally,  we are all on our own path. No one will be on the same path as you. You have your own values, your own goals, your own history, all of which will be personal to you and impact on your decision-making. Celebrating rather than crushing that individuality under the weight of expectation and comparison is something I’ve found is key to my own happiness.

It actually, from my experience, takes a fair amount of courage to own this individuality and way of approaching the world. So what I’m wishing for us all in 2024 is the bravery to walk and own our paths, and to use that ownership to be a little less impacted by the distraction of the paths of others. You do you! Leave others to be themselves in turn.

Goals should support aspiration, not self-recrimination

Goals and even New Year’s resolutions should be tools that help us on this journey. They should not be a weight around your neck to suffocate you if you do not achieve them. Goals need to be flexible enough to change as the landscape changes, and we need to be able to respond and throw them off if there are no longer relevant. I think we should all bear this is mind, least of all me, even with what should be simple things. Sometimes, when I say I will post on a specific day and I don’t manage it, I will go into a flight of self recrimination that baffles Mr Girlymicro who points out that the world has neither ended nor has someone been harmed by my lack of delivery. Perspective is needed. What are the consequences of achieving a goal or not? They should be map markers to aid you. If they become more than this, they probably need to be reviewed and further understood as to why they matter so much. Understanding your drivers is key to understanding yourself after all.

Sometimes, getting off the hamster wheel is more important than staying on it

One of the things I can’t work out if I learnt due to the pandemic or would have learnt in my 40s anyway is that sometimes the goal itself may be to become OK with not having a goal. Sometimes, the important thing is not to tick another box, add another level, or achieve more. Sometimes, the important thing is to do the opposite, to do less, take on less, to feel freed. In a world about consumption and visible gain it can be hard to feel legitimately able to make decisions that go against the tide and decide it’s time for a break. It’s often not even talked about as an option. It is however one. It’s OK to step away. It’s OK to table something for later. It’s OK to pause and re-evaluate. The rat race isn’t going anywhere. It will be there waiting for you when you are ready to re-join it. So go ahead and breath, everything will be fine.

Here’s to celebrating the little things in 2024

My 2024 will not therefore be filled with grand declarations. I’m hoping that it will still be filled with success, but the success that I want is about the little things. It’s about finding time to make and drink tea out of the pot instead of always rushing and having it from a tea bag in a cup. It’s about finding time to write this blog and be creative in a way that is joyful, not squeezed into existence. It’s about balancing my life and work, finding time to deal with my emails during working hours, and even on occasion seeing the bottom of my inbox. It’s about finding more moments with friends and family by achieving that balance. It’s about all those little moments every day that, for me, make life worthwhile. I hope that in 2024, you get whatever it is that you wish for and know, whatever you decide that is, that it is practically perfect in every way. Happy New Year.

All opinions in this blog are my own

A Shout Out to My Girls: This one is for all the women that support others & see them as inspiration not competition

girlymicro General , , , , , ,

I was fortunate enough to be asked to record a podcast last week with the absolutely awesome Betty Adamou for her series Tales of Female Badassery.  Just as we were prepping to record I was struck with a moment of panic.  I didn’t know whether I was a Badass.  I didn’t know if I’d every done anything that would make me a Badass.  I called one my girls in a state of panic, she responded with ‘don’t be so ridiculous, you’re not only a badass, you’re one of the most badass people I know’.

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It got me to thinking. I am super fortunate to be really close to my family and to have the wonderful Mr Girlymicro as my constant companion. In more recent years I have, however, also become aware of how wonderful it is to have a small tight knit group of women in my life. These are the people who understand if I don’t call them for months. The ones who know me well enough to know when to challenge and when to comfort. The ones who I can sit and watch bad movies with in pyjamas and who would never judge me for the state of my house. Some of them I have known for decades, others more like 5 years, but time doesn’t really matter.  They are my girls. They get me, and this post is dedicated to them and why you should consider finding your own equivalents.

Constructive challenge

Not everyone has a Mr Girlymicro in their lives and to be honest we all need someone to call us on our BS sometimes. Having a small cicle that you trust completely, which have the ability to stop you in your tracks when you’re going down a cognitive rabbit hole is so valuable.

I suspect we’ve all been there, sounded off about X or Y, when suddenly someone trusts calls us out on what we are doing that could trigger that behaviour, or pushes us to understand why we are so triggered. This calling out opens up a whole new vehicle to understanding or route for a response that would not have been available to us otherwise.

In my case, my girls often join forces with Mr and mummy Girlymicro in asking me why? Why have I decided to take on yet another thing? Why do I think it’s needed? What extra will it add? What will I drop to enable me to take on the shiny new? What does it mean for them? Will they see even less of me now? Will I be even more distracted and do even less at home? These conversations can lead to me walking back commitments,  or at least force me to articulate my thought process and gain a better understanding of where I actually am with my workload.

Unconditional support

The reason that constructive challenge can happen is because I know these guys are 100% on my side. They are unwavering. They know all the bad in me and choose me anyway. They can, therefore, be brutal about the truth when needed, as they are also around for the rebuilding that is sometimes required after being faced with a harsh truth.

This also means that I hear what they say. If they tell me someone is out of line and validate my feelings, I hear it more because I also know they would tell me if the opposite was true and I was the one who’d acted badly. To me, unconditional support isn’t about just giving me what I want to hear. It’s giving me what I need to hear in terms of the truth/reality check. They tell me both that I’m not superwoman, but also that I’m a god damn queen who can achieve anything she puts her mind to. Just not simultaneously.

Shared experiences

Not through any deliberate endeavour,  but just because of how life has worked out, my girls all happen to be kick ass women who either work in STEM (science, technology, engineering and maths) or are STEM qualified. In fact, they are all coincidentally PhD qualified. I didn’t meet them all through science however. For instance, Diane, I met my first day at uni and has been keeping me sane for over 20 years. Claire (known as Dr Claire, as she was the first Claire with a PhD) I met because she was dating a friend of my future husband, the boyfriend exited the picture and we stayed friends. Claire (Captain Claire, due to our shared appreciation of Captain Jean Luc Picard) and I met over several bottles of wine when we were both doing our PhDs and have continued on the wine trajectory ever since. This means we have both a bunch of shared and different experiences.

Our shared experiences, linked to being women in science, mean that they can sometimes help me see challenges coming in a way I wouldn’t have anticipated.  They  can also share what did and did not work for them when they encountered something similar.  We can, on occasion, also just rage about the injustice of it all in a way that enables us to put our feelings in a box and carry on regardless.

A different view of the world

I have some wonderful women in my world who I count as dear friends but whom I still work with. These wonderful women are often my go-to for support and guidance as they are emersed in my world. The difference between them and this group of girls is that we don’t work together, and have never worked together in the same department. This means that we took different paths through both work and life. We don’t just reinforce each others perceptions and bias therefore through having pre-established knowledge of the other people in each others lives or work. We have a bunch of shared experiences, but a lot of our progress has led us to very different places. Some of us have kids, some don’t, some of us still work academically or in science, some don’t.  This breadth of experiences mean that they can sometimes offer a very different view to mine. They can point out nuance I would have missed or when my previous experience is biasing me to a current situation.

We also have very different ideas of what constitutes a good time. I’m a book, fire, sofa and afternoon tea kind of girl. Whereas the Claires would way prefer to be with their animals (chickens, wallabies, etc) and Diane would happily be walking through the Scottish countryside.  This is also helpful. It has always pushed me to try things I wouldn’t have. Once it pushed me to try camping. This was a mistake. Camping was a step too far. They love me anyway.

Parachute provision

I’ve written before about my tendency to shame spiral. I’m not alone. Captain Claire and I are known to call each other up mid shame spiral and offer each other a parachute outta there. We talk through what we’ve done, talk through the possible consequences, and how we might act or handle things differently next time, in a space of acceptance without judgement. It’s this last piece that is key. We’re not trying to ‘fix’ each other, just support each other by providing a safe space for verbal reflection and to articulate our fears, whether rational or not. From my perspective, this often permits an early exit from the spiral combined with some centering and learning. What more could a girl ask for?

Sometimes, we all cry

That same space of zero judgement is also important as it provides a space where you have licence to just feel. Sometimes, I have to ride the wave of emotions to process them and get through to the other side. It’s no secret to the readers of this blog that there have been some tough times in the last few years. Having a space where you can just have freedom to express that you are angry or upset by the state of the world or the way you have been treated professionally is so special. I have this with Mr and mummy Girlymicro as well, but it helps them to be able to share the load, especially when things can go through intense periods. Sometimes, I just need to cry and say that things are unfair, and then I get it out of my system and find the emotional band width to remember my why and can get back on with the fight.

Borrowed courage

When I phoned up Dr Claire and declared ‘I’m just not a badass’, her first response of ‘hell yes you are’ gave me courage. It made me brave enough to go ahead and record something I was hesitant about. This is what my girls do. They loan me courage when mine fails me. When my imposter syndrome or my fear tells me I can’t, they are always there to tell me I can.  When I receive awards or recognition and I ask ‘why me’, they respond ‘because’. They see me when I cannot see myself. They will tell me to ignore the fear and just get on with it. They will challenge me when I’m avoiding things because I’m not brave enough and loan me the courage I need to do what is needed. When required, they bring out the bad ass warrior in me.

Courageous authenticity

The validation I am lucky enough to receive from my family and my girls is important for another reason. They make me feel like it’s OK for me to be myself, not some projected version of myself. I’m pretty open in this blog about who I am, how I feel, and how I respond to challenges. I’m also (I hope) pretty honest about my personal flaws and areas that I’m trying to grow and improve around. This blog wouldn’t be possible without having people around who not only validate that that message is OK, but that it is actually important and helpful to talk about these things.

There are days for all of us where we can’t love ourselves. Days where all we can see are our flaws and none of our strengths. Days when we compare and we just don’t stack up. Having people in your world who also see and acknowledge these weaknesses, love you anyway, and tell you you have value even in their presence is one of the greatest gifts we can receive from another person. It enables you to still be who you are even when that may be the last thing you want to be. To continue to work on being unapologetically authentically you.

Mutual appreciation society

One of the best things about these relationships is that they are bi-directional. Most of the time, when one of us is having a bad time, the other is doing OK and can be there to lift the other up. On the occasions where we are both just going through it, then a shared pit of despair can still provide comfort. (We’ve decked ours our with pillows, blankets, and everything). I think these ladies rock it. I trust them completely. I trust them to call me out and challenge me, which means when they validate my other feelings, I believe that too. I love them and consider myself blessed to have them in my life. I also hope that I am there for them as much as they are there for me.

My girls and I aren’t in competition with each other. We’re all on different paths. We value different things, and that’s not only OK but joyous! It doesn’t matter who is achieving what. It doesn’t matter if that’s getting the kids to school on time, or getting out of bed and just making it to work when we’re having a bad time and just wish to hide from the world. All of it is valid and worth celebrating. When they were having kids and I was finding it hard as I was still working through my own situation, they were always mindful but still knew that I was genuinely happy for them. One thing does not obliviate the other.

Distilled awesome

So, to end, I want to say thank you. Thank you to the women out there supporting other women. Thank you to the ladies who straighten my crown even when I don’t realise it’s crooked. Thank you to my girls, the one’s who I cry, scream and cheer with. You are distilled awesome and I will never be able to truly describe the difference you’ve made to my life and how grateful I am to have you on this journey with me. I may be absent for months, I may be a special kind of crazy, but know I am always here for you!

All opinions in this blog are my own