I had great plans about what I was going to post today, but to be honest, it hasn’t quite worked out. It hasn’t worked out because I can’t focus on the post I had drafted because I am currently feeling so overwhelmed by the day job. I’ve been prepping and then running a course for three weeks, and the emails have mounted up to a point where I can’t see a way forward. I have lectures coming up that aren’t written. I feel run down and grotty because I pushed myself too hard physically, and to top it all off, yesterday was filled with frustrating politics. So, instead of posting about Infection Control, today’s post will be about reminding myself of some of the tools I use to re-centre myself when I feel like I’m spinning out of control.

Know tomorrow is another day

I am sadly not one of those people who always look like a graceful swan, working frantically under the water but appearing calm and graceful to all observers. I am the person who wears her heart on her sleeve and quite frankly gets stuff done but looks like a cartoon Tasmanian Devil in the process. I ride the emotional roller coaster and just try not to scream too loudly. Sometimes, I just need to take a step back from the chaos and try to realise a) what’s real, b) what is just because of tiredness, c) what really matters. Some things that feel so challenging in the moment feel so different once they are resolved, like the sun coming out. Therefore, getting worked up about them hardly seems worth it. When things feel like they currently do, I try to remind myself that everything will feel different tomorrow, or when I start to feel more like myself. This means that I also need to try to remind myself not to react so much in the moment. I find that taking a brief moment to focus on a point in the future that feels removed from where I’m at can really help me reset my thinking, be that planning for a future holiday, focussing on sorting a future talk etc, focussing on the future whilst also not losing time I don’t have to fix the present.

Just like any roller coaster, this too will end

When everything is coming at you, it can feel like the end of a game of Tetris, when everything is coming at you so fast you don’t have a moment to even recognise what pieces you are juggling, let alone how to fit them in. The thing is, even this is a state of mind, if I was in a different place I would be excited by the challenge rather than feeling a rising state of panic. The key thing, for me, is that I recognise when I am entering a mental space where I am losing perspective. I have two approaches to this:

Step one (a) is to make a total list that will enable me to get a better idea of where I’m at with things. Step one (b) happens when I’m too far into my stressing, in this case making a complete list actually freaks me out even more, and so I make a next day list. I list enough that I feel like I have identified the urgent things, but make sure not to be so extensive that I worry about how I’m going to get the entire list done.

The second approach is that I go through my diary and try to gain some time I can block out as ‘task time’, so I actually have some time to make the things on my list happen. I may not have solved the issues but at least I know what it will take to make me feel like I’m back in control enough to get off the roller coaster.

Focus on one thing, directly in front of you

If it all else fails, and I can’t even cope with ‘The List’ I pick one thing. The biggest, most urgent, most panic inducing thing and just give that 100% of my focus. I split it down into pieces that are easier to mentally digest and just start at the very beginning. I’ve said there are times when looking to the future helps me, there are also times when I just need to look at my feet and take one step at a time. I also find that, to stop the prevaricator in me, I need to put the ‘Do not disturb’ sign on my door to buy me not just the physical time, but the undisrupted mental time to get into the task and enable me to find a rhythm. Sometimes, I need to pick at a couple of easy things to lead into the big thing, but often, for me, it’s better to just pull off that band aid and get to it.

Even if it’s as bad as you think, how bad is that really?

All of this is about process managing my way out of where I’m at, but there is also recognising what are the real consequences of where I am. I’ve previously written a blog post about the reality of deadlines, but there is also the aspect that we feel these things so keenly because we are the centre of our worlds, therefore when we feel things aren’t correct we assume that everyone else clearly sees the same. The reality is that most of the people we interact with aren’t all that focussed on us. If there are deadlines that are real, then we manage them, but just like others aren’t fully aware of our individual workloads, they are also not as aware of our weaknesses and failures as we perceive them to be. This can be especially true if you’re a perfectionist, and you feel that if something is delivered and it is not as you envisioned that it is a massive reflection of your failure. As far as I’m aware, I have yet to meet a mind reader and so the only person who is benchmarking against the vision in your mind is you, therefore cut yourself a break. When it comes to outputs on days like today I tell myself ‘done is better than good’ and that my benchmark for done is usually pretty damn high. Therefore, just get it done!

Plan your way out

When I have given myself a good talking to, and dealt with the immediate panic in front of me, it’s time to work out how I’m going to tackle the rest. I’ve already talked about blocking out some task time and moving towards making a list, but for me, this part is also about being able to visualise my progress. What are my quick wins, so I feel like I’m getting somewhere. What if any bits can I seek help with, we are not one women armies after all. Are there any bits in hindsight I can drop, or are no longer needed, to buy me some extra time? Any deadlines I can move? Once I’ve got myself to a space where I feel brave enough to look at the entire list and see the big picture, I can be proactive about moving forward. Or the BIG question……..do I just feel this way because I’m feeling run down and ill, in which case I need to stop worrying about it and get some rest.

Sometimes, you just have to get a little distance

If the answer to the question ‘do I just feel this way because I’m feeling run down and ill?’ is ‘yes’ then the answer is to down tools and get some space. I started this post on Friday but just couldn’t manage it and so took Friday night and Saturday off. I’m finishing it on Sunday so as not to put extra pressure on myself to finish it on my Monday morning tube journey in. I have a tendency to work harder when I feel out of control, and that is fine, to a point. The issue with pushing harder when the tank is already empty is, as my husband regularly says to me, ‘ease down you’re only grinding metal’ (it’s an Aliens quote). You have to know when you are in a space where it’s productive to work, versus when you are in a space where it’s more productive to rest. If you step away you will come back refreshed, with a new perspective, and sometimes the challenges are either just not as great any more, or you can see solutions you wouldn’t have seen otherwise. I have a great team around me, who really help flag to me when I’m just doubling down when I should step away, them and my husband are absolute lifesavers in terms of reminding me that I’m more productive long term if I rest. Be aware however, that resting is different to ostriching, so being honest with yourself is key.

Anyway I’m still pretty tired but I’m better for the rest. Hopefully you all won’t judge me too harshly for my honesty and that by sharing how I feel we can all support each other a little bit better when the deadlines are looming and the sky feels like it might come crashing down. Here are the tips I’ve been channelling this weekend to help get me through:

• Take a deep breath
• Work out whether you actually have an issue or whether what you really need is rest
• Decide whether to look to the future (to gain perspective) or to identify a single task to work on (to support focus)
• Use the resources you have available to you, you are not in this on your own

If all else fails, phone a friend, we are after all here to help.

All opinions in this blog are my own

I’m just back from a week on leave and I have returned to the inevitable email mountain. Last time I took 2 weeks leave, I came back to over 7500 emails and it has taken me to about now, 3 months later, to even vaguely catch up with myself – if you’re one of the 87 who have not yet been dealt with, I apologise.

At the height of the pandemic I was getting more than 600 emails a day. One thing struck me then, and has stayed with me, it’s impossible to deal with them all. Trying was just a state of denial that was not in fact helping the situation. I needed to face up to the reality and know that if the email avalanche was never going to stop, I needed to dig in and find another way. Here are a few things I’ve come up with that enable me to keep running up the email mountain when the peak always remains out of sight.

Expectation management

Like many of the challenges in our day to day working lives, this one can be helped by a little expectation management. This applies to you as much as to everyone else. You are not Superwoman. You will not manage to get through all of the things that are thrown at you every day. The best you are likely to manage is to develop systems that enable you to identify key and urgent tasks. The rest you will need to have other strategies to help you pick at the edges of over time. I think a lot of us fall into the trap of thinking we can do it all, as we remember the days when we got a handful of emails a day and believe that we can handle our current work in the same way. We can’t. This is not our failure. This is merely the reality we now live in. Life has changed, and we need to change with it. So, put your guilt aside and take a step into managing what’s in front of you.

If you email me, and it lands in one of those brief and glorious moments when I am not in a meeting or multi-tasking, you are likely to get an immediate response. Sadly, most emails do not arrive in this sweet spot. They therefore arrive and fall into, what I refer to as, the email black hole. Once you are in the black hole, time has little meaning, it could be 2 minutes until release, it could be 2 months, occasionally it could be 2 years. Being upfront with people about this possible outcome is important as it then enables others, especially your students or direct reports, to have ways of managing you based on urgency or need. I try, therefore, to sign post to others the best ways to deal with both me and the email black hole ahead of time.

Know the rules of the game

I’ve accepted the realities of how I work, and in order to avoid stressing myself and/or disappointing others, it’s necessary to share that knowledge in order to help everyone involved know what to expect. I know that I’m pretty well trained to respond to anything that comes in with big bold red text. I am programmed to be slightly panicked into opening it and for it to therefore stand out against the rest of the list. I am also aware of how poor I am generally at responding to things, and so if I receive multiple emails from the same person, about the same thing, guilt will also cause it to climb higher up my list of priorities. Now, please don’t use this to play the system, but I therefore tell students and people who need to be in the know, that if they need a definite response they need to email me 3 times, in red, with a deadline date in the title. This then triggers all of my mental anxieties and is ‘likely’ to lead to a response.

Outside of psychological strategies you can also consider setting your own rules for your level of engagement, in order to help you prioritise when you have a lot coming in. For me, I’m trying to be more conscious of the whole cc issue. If you email me, if I am the receiver, rather than the cc, I assume you need me to be an active participant. If you cc me in, I will assume it’s a nice to know, an FYI. I will never, therefore, consider an email where I am only cc’d in as urgent. I will get to it when I get to it, which could be in 12 months time. I will also only scan it for context and likely then just file it. I try to make others aware of this and also to be consistent about it myself when I send out emails, although I know it’s a challenge. I am also aware there are some people who set auto file on any emails they are just cc’d in and so it is important to be aware of the rules of others when considering communication. I think I would never read anything I was cc’d on if I set up a filing system that just filed them and I’m not that brave, but this is my middle road.

The last thing I’m trying to be clearer on to others, in terms of rules of response, is that if you email me for a decision/opinion, a none response does not indicate agreement. There are certain people, or groups, that have a tendency to email for an opinion and assume that a none response means I am in agreement. A none response, however, merely means I haven’t seen or had time to respond to your email. Only a response is actually a response. The assumption that a none response is an agreement is probably understandable to some extent, but in this particular case it could lead to incorrect decision making, and so I am trying to define what an interaction with these groups looks like and be better about communicating it and not assuming everyone understands the rules.

Manage your high-risk moments

For me, there are a few high-risk moments when dealing with email mountain. The first is people who send emails and assume that I will be able to see and respond immediately. This is one of those things where I try to be clear about the fact that if something needs an immediate acknowledgement you need to pick up the phone and call me, or better yet call the team phone and they can either action it immediately for you or escalate to me in multiple ways, even if I’m in a meeting. Sending an email in no way ensures I will see it, let alone that I will be able to respond in the moment. If it is urgent, then it needs to be treated as such.

The second is kind of linked. It’s the assumption that I monitor my inbox 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that my inbox and I are somehow linked, like in the matrix, so I will always be in responsive mode. I’ve lost tract of the number of times this has caused issues, especially when I have an out of office on, as people assume I will still be checking my inbox. For the sake of my own health and wellbeing, I no longer do this, I do not access anything to do with work whilst I am on leave. My teams know I am always available to them on WhatsApp for a quick check-in or escalation, but I am not generally available. They are also great at only getting in contact unless they have need. I am now very clear with my out of office messages and explicitly state that I will not be accessing email or contactable via work phone. I am also clear that I may never get to anything you send during my annual leave period, volumes being what they are. They are then directed to various key contacts, or they can re-send their query when I return. That way, no one can claim they were unaware and I can remove some of the stress of the unknown.

Establish ways to see the woods for the trees

One of the things I particularly struggle with is the panic that sets in when I don’t think I even know whether there are high priority or key things to action in my inbox, just because there is so much in there and most of it is unread. This, for me, can lead to a kind of decision paralysis, and then I just feel completely overwhelmed. BTW, this is definitely where I am now, sitting here writing this blog. I’ve tried a couple of approaches to remove at least some of the detritus that mean I feel out of control and unaware of what’s key.

Firstly, I try to clear my diary, both before and after leave, for a day in order to feel like I’m going away calmer knowing I haven’t left anything urgent, and to help identify important items when I return. This is not always working, this Monday for instance I ended up being on service and a bunch of meetings had dropped in whilst I was away, hence the panic as I still have over 1000 unread, but at least I am making active decisions to try and improve my management.

The second thing I’ve set up are a whole load of rules for auto filing things that I need to have but don’t need to review. This means that emails get moved into folders, and whenever I have time I can open and review them later. These rules need constant review and updating to make sure they are still capturing some of the email senders that fall into this category, but it means there is one less thing to think about and several hundred fewer emails per week in my inbox. The last thing I have set up is a filing system where I can manually move things for different types of action, to try to remove some of my being overwhelmed. I have folders that say: action, read, waiting for response. Emails that go into the action folder are ones that will take more than 5 minutes to do and aren’t urgent, so that I can work my way through them when I have made diary time. Warning – I am sometimes aware that my action folder is where my emails go to die, so if you’re going to have one, might I suggest, you actively manage it rather than risk it just being another form of denial about how much there is to do.

If all else fails say NO

One of my biggest challenges with managing emails, which I alluded to above, is the NHS tendency to have back to back meetings. I can’t read, action and move things forward when I’m in back to back meetings for 8 hours a day. Not just that, but when you already have an email backlog already this just makes it worst, as you end the day with all the emails you started with PLUS all the emails that you haven’t managed to respond to that day. Sometimes, it just feels like quick sand. I’ve started trying to book out time in my diary to support keeping on top of things, trying to keep some meeting free time, but it really is a constant struggle. You may have other issues that compound your struggle, you may not be able to address them all, but at least by reflecting and being aware of them you can be conscious of what is making your workflow harder.

There is always a final option, one to be used in rare and extreme circumstances when it all become too much. You can declare email bankruptcy. You can, if you’ve managed to action the urgent, put out a message that says that you will not be acting on any emails sent before a certain date and that if they are important please re-send or get in touch. Then you file everything away in a folder that’s clearly labelled, so you still have it, but are honest with yourself about the fact that you are not actively working on it’s contents. That way if something comes through and the information in that folder is required you can search for it, but you have effectively cleared your desk to focus on present/future. It’s the nuclear option but it is sometimes psychologically useful to know that it is there.

So there you have it, some of the ways I’m trying to manage the never ending inbox. Email is not going away and working practices mean that we are likely to receive more and more of it not less. Finding ways to manage what’s in front of you without losing your health and well being is key. There are only so many hours in the day and, I speak from experience, just trying to work every weekend to compensate does not make it better, nor is it sustainable. We therefore need to change both our attitudes to email and how we define rules for ourselves and others around it. For a tool that is about supporting communication, communication is key to managing it. When it gets too much, managing the email mountain , like all forms of challenge, is about taking it one day at a time and being kind to ourselves as the only route forward.

All opinions in this blog are my own

I don’t know about you, but I feel like the 20s have shown their fair share of surprises in the last three years, and let’s be honest, most of them haven’t been pleasant. I think, therefore, the need to get back to normal, to find our centre again, can be overwhelming. I also think many of us feel the need to somehow ‘get back on track with our lives’. I completely feel this too. However, I also feel like the rules of the game have changed a little and that perhaps we need to change too. The unexpected is scary and frequently unsettling, especially if you are someone like me who has always had a five and ten year plan. Even I have been thinking, however, that it is in that unease and unknown that some of the real opportunities for us all lie. So, below is my plea for why, in 2023, we should try a few off piste manoeuvres and be prepared to follow where they lead.

The girl with a plan

I always have a plan, I think it’s the gamer in me, or maybe it’s the reason why I found gaming attractive, but I need to know what I’m heading towards and why I’m going that way. I tend not to be able to play around the edges of things, and so if I’m going to do something, then I am going to put a heap of energy/time into it. I need, therefore, to understand the payoff and if it aligns with my values before I get too involved.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think this has some positive aspects. For example, it enabled me to submit my PhD a year early so I could have a clear year to study for FRCPath. The problem with this approach is that you can be so focussed on the end game that you don’t get to fully experience the journey or spend time just being present enough to really grasp the opportunities that come your way, that are not necessarily badged as such. I think the big things still stand out, the emails to contribute that are explicit, but by not taking the time to have the chats or low key communications you may miss out on things that might have developed into the truly wonderful. Having a plan (I believe) is a necessary way to attain clarity and purpose, but if it becomes too defined it can become a limitation rather than a support.

The joy of serendipity

This blog is one great example for me of something that just wasn’t part of the plan. It was an idea linked to something that I am passionate about and believe in, science communication and engagement, but the plan was about working towards a consultant post and this didn’t really tie in with that. In fact one of the things that I frequently got told was blocking my progress to a consultant post was that I spent too much time on ‘stuff’, that my interest in education and communication was a distraction and that I needed to be more focussed, not less. It is therefore a difficult line to walk, as in moments of stress or lack of self belief, it can be tempting to double down on the plan.

For this reason I think it’s so important to hear the thoughts of people outside of your work bubble and occasionally throw some feelers out to see whether it’s worth following through. One Christmas I just sat and talked to friends and this blog is the result. The very act of just having relaxed conversations with people who are less aware of or focussed on your plan can lead to space for creative thought. It can free your mind to hear new ideas that you just wouldn’t have considered on your own. They can stop you staring at your feet and lift your eyes back up to the horizon.

Sometimes it’s important to start something without knowing where it will lead to, without knowing how it will contribute. Taking risks sometimes on things that just speak to your values, or just stand out as important, can sometimes lead to places you’d never have imagined. This blog, although I’d not predicted or had specific plans linked to it, has grown to a place where it directly supports where I want to be. It’s not just the blog however, other things like my NIHR doctoral fellowship were the same. I started it believing it would be another step on the journey, whereas it gave me access and took me places I hadn’t even been able to envision from where I started. Even those things that you start thinking out are linked to a grand plan require being open to fresh possibilities along the way.

The limitation of blinkers

Change and opportunities come in all kinds of different forms. I’ve been thinking that the pandemic caused my plans to be on pause, as it was impossible to plan, there was no structure, every day was just some new form of change and chaos. I found this incredibly challenging but I wonder if it also opened up a new pathway, it made space for change. It presented a way for me to still feel like I was moving forward by allowing me to have a creative outlet, rather than an academic or professional one. I was searching for a way to centre myself and to support others, whilst at the same time also needing to have something that enabled me to process everything that was happening, and find some dedicated time for myself. It forced me to remove my blinkers and to use my expanded vision to find a new way forward.

Everything that has an upside has its downsides. I wonder therefore if it hadn’t been for the pandemic raising the blog up the priority list would I ever have made a second post? Would I have made it happen after becoming a consultant, and would it, therefore, have been a very different animal? Did the pandemic therefore create the level of disruption in my world that was required for me to be able to step away from the plan for a while and see the wide world of opportunities, rather than just the path I had laid ahead for myself?

Letting go of the map

This is one the key lessons that I’m trying to cling onto now that we are moving forward in the pandemic, it would be all too easy to revert to previous habits and put my blinkers back on. I had a coach who encouraged me to live in the now, to embrace living in the chaos and the unknown. That was in 2013 and I think that’s its only now, 10 years later, that I can really begin to understand what she meant. Sometimes I’m a slow learner. The thing is that the intention is not always as easy as the implementation. It requires bravery to move to living in chaos, not because that is the way the whole world is living but because you choose to. To still be comfortable living with some of that uncertainty, not because you have to, but because you see the possibilities that lie within that discomfort. I will never be the kind of person who can live moment to moment and just go with the flow, but I believe I can move to being the kind of person who is open to opportunities that don’t come fully formulated, or that let me develop in ways that are not just tied to professional me. I also think it’s important to be open to the mistakes and learning that might come from this unexpected pathway.

Being tied to the past you

One of my biggest challenges in all of this is the need to make sure not just that I don’t just revert to old habits, but also that I don’t let the other things linked with the job shut down routes to engaging with the unexpected. It’s far too easy to easy to get sucked into the inbox or the paper that hasn’t been written on a weekend, rather than using that time to develop and expand other aspects of myself. Sometimes the weight of the to do list means that looking at my feet feels like the only way forward. This is why taking time to actively reflect and be aware of my tendencies to manage both my workload and stress this way is key. I’ve not worked this one out yet but I’ve thought about working on things like putting in diary reminders, or trying to ring fence my weekends so as not to be tempted to fall into old habits. I think the fact that I am actively continuing to write every week will also help to ensure that I have dedicated time to ensure space for creative thought.

I’m hoping that you, like me, will try and find the courage we need to enter 2023 bravely, open to wonder and not let our conservative instincts overtake and limit us.

All opinions in this blog are my own

As the days grow shorter and the weather worsens reflections can turn more pensive and gloomy. At this time of year, especially this year, I’m struggling to find a sense of achievement. It feels like I’ve got nowhere fast and I can feel the self doubt crowding into the edges of my psyche. Here’s the thing though, I am my own worst critic. I remember the failures and not the successes. I remember the list of to do’s that didn’t get done. With that in mind I thought I would write a post that would remind me of the boxes ticked and movements made. I hope that if you are in the same boat you might consider doing the same, fingers crossed it might help you too.

Things that have gone well

In order to get me into a positive growth mindset, prior to tackling the things yet to do, let’s start with the good stuff. Please forgive the self indulgence whilst I build up to the learning. There have been a lot of professional successes and my students and team continue to make me prouder than I can say, but as this is about emotion for me, I’m going to talk about the personal stuff.

After being slightly lacking a visual identity for 6 years Girlymicro finally got an image to sum her up from the gifted David Sondered (his website is here). This female scientist breaking barriers and sitting out of time pleases me more than I can say. She feels like a homage to all those female scientists who went before, many of which are sadly forgotten. Also, for those who may not know, I love a steam punk or a victoriana game setting, and she definitely reflects this aspect of who I am.

I posted this year about how much this blog and you have come to mean to me. As it happens my friends have been on at me to start a podcast for almost as long as the blog has existed, and 2022 was the year it finally happened. It’s still finding its feet and is not posting as frequently as I’d like because life is busy, but it’s there. What’s feels so wonderful about this is that it’s a co project with Mr Girlymicro, so, like many things in my life, it’s a family affair. It means I still get to do the science I love without it taking time away from my loved ones. I also feel it represents a number of things that are important to me. 1) Science is a team sport and so even talking about it as a partnership feels like it represents this. 2) Science can’t live in isolation in an ivory tower, it has meaning when shared and this sharing shouldn’t just be by scientists to scientists. Mr Girlymicro keeps me honest and asks me the questions that he wants the answers to, not just what I think needs sharing.

One of the other things that really inspired me to be better this year was being asked to give my first talks and Plenary lectures linked to Girlymicro. I’m used to standing in front of people and talking science and data, there’s something different about standing in front of people and talking linked to something that is so personal, something that normally just goes out into the world on a Friday night. It took me longer than I had thought possible to write those sessions, I didn’t want the people who had put so much faith in me, or put their valuable time and energy into reading and responding to the blog down. It felt so very different to giving an academic talk but it was beyond fulfilling. It was another one of those moments that really caused me to sit down and reflect on the way I do things and the way I think. Without this blog, and you reading it, this moment would never have happened. So, thank you.

This leads me onto something that has become pretty key to my well being, as in a time of stress and exhaustion during the pandemic it has, along with the blog, continued to be a space where I’ve felt like I could still have impact and creatively explore. The Nosocomial project. I think it would be fair to say that it has developed and grown more than Nicola could have dreamt when we had tea together back in 2017. This project has continued to grow this year and the inspirational Nicola Baldwin took some of my words and turned them into a piece called ‘All Opinions In This Blog Are My Own’ which was performed by myself and some wonderful fellow Healthcare Scientists at the Bloomsbury Festival. It felt so different both speaking and hearing my words in front of an audience. It gave everything a new life and I hearing it from the lips of other people really did cause me to reflect on it in a new way. It was also so different seeing the audience, many of whom hadn’t read the blog, engage with the words for the first time. It was like, to me, what happens when you sit down and verbalise an idea that’s lived in your brain for a long time to someone else for the first time. The mere act of saying the words aloud changes them, and that was both a terrifying and amazing moment to live through. It was like building up to look in a mirror without knowing whether you’d be strong enough to stare at your reflection, and then finding you could. Thank you to Nicola for making it happen and to Sam, Claire, Ant and Ozge for standing up with me and taking a risk.

We all know how much I love a bit of tea and cake…I don’t think I’ve hidden this from you. One of the other moments that gave me real joy, as it meant I got to combine who I am as a person with who I am as a scientist, was that I got to talk about science and whole genome sequencing through the metaphor of cake. One of the core tenants of this blog is making science and scientists less ‘other’ and this was one of those moments when I really got to enjoy standing up to talk about things that I think are brilliant. Not only that, but due to the Nosocomial Project I got to do it to different audiences, scientific, clinical and public and it was lovely to see the response from those different groups.

Talking about the Nosocomial Project, it was not the only thing that started up again and enabled me to get out in person to start engaging again. Other pieces of work that have been going for some time, like the Healthcare Science Education conference #HCSEd and the Environment Network meetings got back to normal in terms of delivery. Both of these projects had been running for at least 3 years pre pandemic and although I found the break hard it was also important to me for a couple of reasons. It made me realise how much I value being engaged in them and how much value I think they bring to the communities that they support. This has enabled me to come back to them re-energised. The gap has also given me some time to ponder what the next steps might be be, which has enabled me to also come back to them with purpose – so watch this space.

One of the things I’ve also tried to prioritise this year is my post pandemic recovery. The pandemic isn’t over and it’s still taken up a lot of my bandwidth in 2022, and been a source of continuing resource drain. That said, I’ve started to remember who I was outside of Dr Cloutman-Green and began to find my smile and laugh. I tried to find some time to prioritise people like my husband and mum who have given up so much in recent years just to keep me on my feet and in the fight. I won’t ever be able to repay them, but this year has been a start. I’m not there yet, the batteries are still pretty empty but I am at least beginning to remember who I am, and finding time for some things that bring me joy.

Part of that finding time for me is that I have taken some steps linked to a blog post I wrote January 2022. In that post I wrote about a not so secret ambition I had of writing a book and some steps that I was going to achieve this year. Now, I had let fear stand in my way and periodically I’m still in this space, where I fear humiliation and failure, but I have written the submission chapters and in 2023 I’m going to take a leap and submit them. I was hoping to have done this prior to the end of the year but to be honest life has got in the way and I want to do it when I’m ready. This is obviously a delicate balance between making sure it’s right and making sure I’m not delaying through fear. It’s one of the reasons I’m including it here. Part of the fear is that people will find out and judge me if it doesn’t succeed. So now you all know I’m doing it, and if I don’t succeed I will share the learning and hope that someone else will learn from it and not make the same mistakes. Keeping it secret isn’t serving me and so now it’s out in the wild – and if you have any tips about where to submit it do let me know. It’s basically, at it’s heart, this blog in book form. If you don’t try you will always fail.

Talking about writing and stepping out of your comfort zone. The first ever text book chapter I’ve ever written comes out in the textbook below in April. This was a disastrous idea and to be honest I hated just about every moment of writing it, but mostly because I had agreed to write it before a global pandemic and then had to deliver it during the 1st year of a global pandemic. This meant that the writing was not quite the Murder She Wrote joy I’d anticipated, but more delivering exhausting word count on no sleep on the few moments of down time I could get. That said, the editors were kinder than you’d believe and did A LOT of heavy lifting on my behalf with edits, and part of me thinks that if I can get one done in that setting surely any others will be easier? Plus I learnt a lot and hopefully people will find the end result useful.

Finally, the unexpectedly wonderful continued to happen and I got to share it with Mr Girlymicro. I was fortunate enough to be able to do some amazing things in 2022, like attending the Queens Garden Party. These things are amazing in themselves, but when you can share them with people you love they are even better. It takes a village to keep this scientist in one piece and without all those who pick me up when I fall, put me back together, feed me and tell me that ‘yes, you can’ I would not manage to achieve any of the things I’ve been fortunate enough to achieve. I’m hoping that 2023 will continue to be filled with the surprisingly wonderful and that I can continue to share those moments both with you, my cheer leaders, and with the people I love,

Things that I’ve learnt

So that was all the wonderful, now we need to get to the learning. This is probably the more important part of reflecting, even if it is sometimes the more challenging part, in the end it is probably the thing that we should be most grateful for.

2022 continued to the theme of the 20’s so far by being a year of making the unpopular calls. In some ways this year was harder because there wasn’t guidance to stand behind, it was about personal advocation and decision making. I wrote a blog post that really helped me work through some of my thinking and learning on this and it did really help me with some of my processing. I don’t enjoy conflict but standing up for what you think is right is an important part of leadership. Sometimes that means making the hard calls, not just saying the easy things, or what people want to hear. It’s recognising that if you give in to easy in the moment you can end up causing harm or suffering in the long term, and so standing resolute in the moment, no matter how challenging, is necessary. It is also difficult because you have to sometimes roll the dice, we are not always right, all you can do is make the right call in the moment and be open to change and sharing learning if it doesn’t turn out to be the right call long term. As someone who struggles with self doubt and perfectionism this can feed into my inner fears but that doesn’t mean it isn’t something that needs to happen. Whatever happens, the sun will come up tomorrow and as long as I’ve learnt more than I knew the day before there will always be hope.

One of the things I’ve learnt about making the calls is that being a consultant doesn’t fix everything. Being a consultant has however made a heap of difference to the frequency and extent of challenge and how that challenge is undertaken. I became a consultant during a pandemic, and in many ways although unbelievably hard, it also made it easier. I had one real focus. Now I need to work out what kind of consultant I want to be, whilst still being stressed and exhausted by the pandemic and having very little band width to manage it. The other thing is, that although most people have responded the change, there will always be a couple who see that change as more of something to challenge than to celebrate, after all change is hard. I keep putting so much pressure on myself to be good enough, but that pressure is only coming from me. Instead I have realised that this is my job for the next 20 years, there is plenty of time time for learning and for indeed making mistakes. I do not need to be the finished product right now, in fact I’m mostly thinking I’ll probably only begin to approach it by the time I am ready to retire. So bear with me whilst I hold on in there for a while yet. I talked a bit about this and both my hopes and fears in a blog post I wrote on the retirement of my old consultant and mentor I hope it might help others.

One of the things I’m still exploring and pondering on is that both hearing and memory are more selective than I realised, as George Orwell said “To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle.” That means that it is not just me that is an unreliable witness, there are rooms full of us. We are entering (or have always been and I was naïve to it) a period where people’s hearing and interpretation is very much coloured by what they wish we had said, not what we had actually said. I know this has always been the case to a certain extent, but it feels a particular issue at the moment both in the clinical and scientific worlds. Selective use of evidence seems to be rife and I feel more and more that things I write or say are selectively used or deliberately mis-interpreted. Now, that misinterpretation does not always come with ill intent, and for me that’s where the learning lies. How do I communicate more clearly? How do I communicate clearly, especially during periods of anxiety or conflict? How do I in the same situations clarify understanding in a way that doesn’t feel like it’s confrontational or insinuating something negative? How do I remain open to feedback on this and other things when they feed into my fear of failure or when the attacks themselves feel personal? I’ve learnt that not everyone sees through the same lens, but I’m still working on how we make those different lenses align so that we can focus on the outcome, although I posted something that contained some of my early thoughts here,

Things that are still a work in progress

This year there have been a lot of shame spiralling and although frequently linked to tiredness or stress, frankly some of it has been deserved. It’s probably no secret that I’m not a very patient person, I tend to struggle with standing still. I often therefore end up having ideas and conversations in my head and then just crack on with them, regardless of territory or hierarchy. This means, that personality wise, no matter how much I aim to provide collaborative leadership I need to work harder and do more. The other thing is that, perhaps not uniquely, I have a tendency to seek input and collaboration from those who are likely to constructively challenge or collaborate with me. This means that I may not engage as widely or with those who may have conflicting views as much as I should. Listening to fear should not stop me listening and I need to try and put more energy into reaching out to those who are reticent adopters or have territory issues or different values. That said, the reason I tend not to do this isn’t because of a lack of will, it’s more due to the number of plates being spun. This means that most things function on minimal time and so spending more time and energy means that other things suffer. It is a constant balance between what I aspire to and what I can achieve, all I can say is that I’m working on it.

This year has given me so much joy but it has had it’s odd challenges. I don’t know whether it’s due to slightly increased visibility or because it just happens that I’ve seen things or they’ve got back to me, but for the first time I’ve become aware of some of the negative press that goes around linked to me. Comments like ‘She’s only out for herself’ and ‘It’s all about self publicity’, as well as some less pleasant stuff about me as a person. I think that’s just one of the things about engaging with a wider circle, not everyone is going to love you, your message or your values. As the other half of my Lead Healthcare Scientist post described me I’m apparently Marmite, you either love me and what I have to say or you don’t. I’d heard the phrase ‘haters going to hate’ before but I think I probably don’t find it quite that simple. I think where I’m landing is that I will take the learning that I can from it and then try to let it go. Some people don’t like the fact that I share so much of myself, or find the fact that I talk about successes boastful. To me these are almost two sides of the same coin. I talk about successes as I believe that it’s good to be open about opportunities and inspire others. I talk openly about what’s happening and my challenges and failures so people see that it’s not all roses and that failures are key to finding success, in the hope that this means they will carry on when they face road blocks and not repeat some of my mistakes. All I can aim to be is consistent and I’m working on dealing with the rest.

This last one kinds of leads on. I can’t be liked by everyone.  I need to stop letting that destroy me. Frankly it’s (for the most part) not personal. I’m just not that important in most other peoples lives. People can dislike what I represent, people can dislike my choices, people can dislike the discomfort I create in them. I honestly can’t do much about that. I am also learning that I can’t and shouldn’t try to fix it. Intellectually I am completely on board with this, it just sometimes that abdominal discomfort you get which shows that you mind may be OK with it but there a whole lot of the rest of you isn’t. Yep, it’s like that. I can’t fix it and so what I’m thinking is that I need to stop running from it and run right into and embrace it. It’s finding a way to balance this and not lose the learning discussed above. I’m going to try in 2023 putting away my umbrella and just dancing in the rain and finding the joy in every moment.

Things I’m looking forward to

So, having talked about some of the learning and challenge I’m setting myself for 2023 I wanted to talk briefly about what some of things I’m really looking forward to.

I am fortunate to have amazing IPC, academic and HCS teams. They put up with my kookiness and continuous need to take on impossible challenges. They challenge and support me and I’m so lucky to be looking at another year working with them.

I wrote a little bit about what this blog has come to mean to me and how it’s become fairly core to my day today. This last year the blog has opened doors I couldn’t have imagined and I’m really crossing my fingers and toes that 2023 it will continue to surprise me. I am hoping that the book linked to this blog gets submitted and that whatever happens I learn from the experience. I’m also hoping to develop the podcast a little more, and I’m looking forward to getting to meet more of you in person now we are getting out and about. Mostly, I’m hoping that you will continue to stop by and join me on a Friday for a chat about what the weeks have had to offer.

Personally, I’m hoping that 2023 will be a year of learning and continued improvement. I want to improve and find out who I am as a Consultant as well as feeling more confident across the aspects of the role that give me self doubt. I really want to do this and manage my interactions whilst still channelling the 3P’s (passion, purpose and principles) and staying true to myself and my values, no matter what challenges are presented. Sometimes it feels like you can only get ahead by stepping on others or stabbing them in the back, and I really want to try and show that losing yourself is not what is required to make progress.

Finally, I want to continue to find joyful surprise in what the world throws at me, to embrace what comes my way and always remind myself of quite how lucky I am that I get to do a job that I love, in a profession that I’m passionate about, surrounding by people I adore. I am quite the luckiest girl in the world and in 2023 I want to remember that no matter how significant the challenges placed in front of me.

When it all comes down to it, my plan is to channel a little Spirited in 2023 and everyday try a little harder and make the active choice to try and be better, and bring a little good into the world.

All opinions in this blog are my own

Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Tim, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.

He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!

(A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens)

Merry Christmas everyone, wishing you all love and laughter and excessive amounts of good cheer

All opinions on this blog are my own

This is a slightly odd blog post as it’s mostly linked to a podcast (included below) that Mr Girlymicro and I did whilst on holiday in New York last month.

As we still top over 50000 cases of SARS CoV2 per 7 day period and face increasing numbers of hospitalisations due to Influenza and RSV, it seemed timely to post some of the things that struck me from visiting elsewhere. This doesn’t mean that I think we are anywhere in the same situation we were in at this time last year, but it’s tough out there, and respiratory viruses are back with a vengeance.

There was still an encouragement to test

When we arrived at JFK we were greeted by a CDC sign that encouraged us to pick up 2 free tests so we could test on days 3 and 5 post arrival. There were also free testing booths on every other street. I’m no claiming this is perfect, universal across the states, or anything other than driven by the way their health service is set up. It was nice to know that after a higher risk of exposure process (breathing recirculated air for 7 hours) we were supported in our choice to test. The signage around all of these opportunities emphasised just that, testing is a choice. They then went on to have quite a useful education campaign to support that so it was an informed choice. Sometimes, I think that is what we have missed since the dictates went away, which said you just test. If you want continued engagement with the process you then have to also talk about the why.

Certain events continued to SARS CoV2 precautions seriously

I enjoyed the Late Show with Stephen Colbert before I went to New York, but now I LOVE the Late Show. Is it because of the great guests and the fact that he makes me laugh, well yes, but mostly it’s because I adored both his SARS CoV2 policy, and the fact that it was actually enforced. This is a show where people come from all over the states, as well as other part of the world to see it being filmed. It’s filmed in an old off Broadway theatre, with exactly the ventilation you would expect from an old building that is underground and enclosed. You then throw into the mix that this population will sit in there laughing for 4 hours, and you can see why you might be at high risk of a transmission event occurring. Now, I’m sure most of this is set up to protect the team running the show and to minimise reputational and financial risk, but it doesn’t change the fact that I loved it.

Everyone had to sign up to a set of behaviours before you got issued your ticket, which included that you would wear a mask throughout. You also had to declare whether you were vaccinated. On the day, unlike when we have been to other places in the UK or New York, you were actually followed up on your pre-submission information. If you did not have a mask you were issued one, it had to be a mask and not a face covering. You had to show your vaccination records and ensure that you were symptom free, anyone who couldn’t was given a lateral flow test and observed whilst it was undertaken. Once inside the venue and seated mask wearing was monitored throughout. Production assistants kept an eye on the rows and anyone removing their mask or wearing it incorrectly (i.e. not covering mouth and nose) was asked to correct. From a compliance point of view, it was a thing to behold.

There was also a surprising amount of nonsense

The flip side of the coin is that there was a lot of nonsense that was still being sold/communicated in relation to transmission risk. Everything from supplements and using ‘energy therapy’ to prevent infection, to this TV remote that was in my hotel room and has an antimicrobial coating. You can easily see why some of these things feel like a sensible approach……..what’s wrong with an antimicrobial remote? Well, any coating is only going to impact (even if it’s great) the organisms in direct contact with it, so in a monolayer. Sadly, in the real world, bacteria don’t get inoculated into lovely monolayers, they get deposited in clumps, often at high loads. The only way to manage these therefore is via removal, which requires cleaning. It requires an action not a passive approach. It is easy to sell the idea that you can maintain the equivalent risk control by having something that does not require an actual response, but sadly it just isn’t the case. If it’s too good to be true, it usually is. (I’m not even going to comment on what I think about ‘energy therapy’)

Sometimes places making individual risk assessment can work

I therefore saw both good and bad on my travels. The key take home message for me though, was that individual risk assessment at scale can work, but only if you put the continuous resources into the conversation to make it work. Single interventions, single conversations don’t work. This was about having stands on every street corner, stands that are accessible and meet the needs of diverse populations. Testing that is free and accessible to support informed decision making. In the UK we are in the middle of a winter where SARS CoV2 rates are again up, with little community testing available, with many co-circulating viruses that cause similar symptoms. This is in the context of vaccine and SARS CoV2 fatigue where having the conversation is becoming increasingly challenging. The step away from a national response without sufficient embedding to support individual risk assessment makes these conversations even more challenging. The constant discussion about resource allocation is however important and ongoing. With the ITU admissions linked to SARS CoV2 still low, how much resource do we allocate to this? The thing that saddens me most however, is this was a real opportunity to evaluate and establish ways to embed scientific conversations and how we have them, both nationally and within communities. What has actually happened is that we’ve told people to make their own choices and their own risk assessments without continuing to support the conversations and build the structures to enable this to happen well. As always, there’s so much learning yet to do.

All opinions on this blog are my own

October marked 2 years of the Girlymicrobiologist blog, and this post will be the 135th published. I started writing this post as I prepared to go and give my first ever conference speech linked to a blog post rather than a scientific publication (thanks IPS). This has gotten me thinking about how much writing this blog has changed both me and my life. It’s a weird thing to say, I know, but it has become so embedded in who I am and is now such a mainstay in my weekly life that I think I would really struggle to stop. That said, I still struggle sometimes with both the kind comments I receive and when people refer to me as a writer, as I’m still learning so much, and still feel so new to this. To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve earned that kindness. Anyway, I thought I would take this moment to share some of what I’ve learned about both myself and the blog 2 years on, including the things that have surprised me.

A question of identity

Identity is such a weird thing. For instance, it took me years to be able to say I was a scientist when people asked me what I did for a living. I was surrounded by these amazing people doing this amazing job and I didn’t really feel I stacked up enough to count myself as one of them. I kind of feel the same way about calling myself a writer, I’m someone who writes, but at what point do you qualify as something other than that?

I asked the wonderful Nicola Baldwin (playwright) who obviously writes for a living what her thoughts were on what makes someone a writer and she said:

A writer is someone for whom writing has become their primary mode of thought

Nicola Baldwin

This was so interesting to me as writing the blog has definitely changed me and the way I think. I think one of the reasons I feel a bit guilty when people say they like it is because it is actually a somewhat selfish endeavour, in that the writing of it benefits me. I don’t know about anyone else, but life is so busy that I often don’t prioritise reflective time to understand why I feel the way I do, why I handle scenarios the way I do or how I could do it better? Although I didn’t realise it when I started, the blog has allowed me to do all of these things. It gives me permission to spend an hour on a Friday evening writing about something that sparked a thought during the week. Without even realising it, that time has become a time where I reflect, just in real time via words on a page. It’s enabled me to learn so much more about myself, my values, and beliefs that it has very literally changed the way I think and see the world. The blog was started with the aim of helping others, but I never realised how much it would also help me.

I don’t think I would have understood Nicolas’ comment a year ago but now I completely get it. Writing has become part of who I am and how I think and a tool for processing how I feel about the world.

My grammar still sucks

I don’t write well. I don’t know how to use a comma, and my grammar is apparently horrendous. I thought all of these things would stop me. What the last 2 years have in fact shown me, is that if you write from the heart, if you put your soul out there on a plate for consumption, people will be kinder than you could have believed possible. No one has come back and attacked the message because they didn’t like the way it was delivered. The flaws in that delivery have been overlooked as long as the message was true.

This in itself has taught me a lot. I think if you can find the courage to stand up and be yourself, no matter what the medium, people respond to that. You may not always succeed, you may not always do it well, but people respond to your intent. Writing this blog has really helped me realise that, and it has therefore enabled me to become braver. I feel stronger in sharing the hard stuff, in sharing the truth as I see it and in trying to give a voice to others when I can. Before this experience I would have been held back by trying to make the communication in itself as perfect as I could. Now I realise the power is in what you are trying to communicate, not the perfection of how you achieve it. I could do less writing and take myself off to spend time perfecting my underlying knowledge, but for right now my passion lies in the communication and not in the tool. So, you may have to put up with my poor grammar for a while yet, after all I’m a work in progress.

Vulnerability is where it’s at

You have all given me the courage to face things, write about things, and confront things that I never knew I would be able to. At a conference recently, someone gave me a hug and thanked me for writing this blog and talking about the things we talk about. In reality, though, the thanks should definitely be from me to you. As I’ve said, the kind words and support from everyone who reads this, and the patience with which you have stuck with it, have given me the courage to share who I really am, warts and all. I hope that I can, and do, use this blog to share the failures as well as the successes, as there is learning in both.

When I started writing this blog, I genuinely thought I would pick up a few readers from family. Now, with over 1000 readers a month, I realise that it isn’t about how important or qualified you are. It’s about how much of you you’re willing to share. When I started, I thought that getting people to read a blog would be linked with how professional I was perceived to be, how worthy, how senior. Now I realise it’s about how much of a risk you are prepared to take in bringing your whole self to the table and knowing that you have no way to control over how that will be received or the response you will get.

We too often let ourselves get in our own why by asking ‘why’ we should be the ones to do something, when in fact the question we should really be asking is ‘why not’. If we wait for someone else to give us permission, if we make ourselves small in order to not be noticed in the hope that we will fit in, in those moments, more than any others, we need to find our courage to stand up and be seen.

Done is better than good

Sometimes, when I meet people, they comment on how I get things done. This is always slightly amusing to me as I have to admit to being, probably, one of the laziest people I know. If I could recline on a chaise lounge all day with a book and a cup of tea, I would be in heaven. As I know this about myself, I suspect that I therefore push myself quite hard to deliver. If I don’t get blog posts out on time, it eats at me, much to Mr Girlymicro’s irritation. He believes that, as this something done for pleasure, it shouldn’t need to be on a schedule. I know however that like exercise, if I don’t do it for a while it becomes easier to just ‘skip a week or two’. Plus, as I’ve said earlier, it’s become such a key part of who I am I would struggle without it.

I’ve also talked earlier about letting go of perfection, and therefore knowing that getting something out that has meaning is better than trying for something really polished. One of the other things that I’ve learnt is to have a goal and just keep at it. I’ve posted before about never being the smartest or best person in the room, what I do have is tenacity. I know that for me to achieve something, to get somewhere, it requires me to just keep at it. This blog is no different. Everything I post I learn something, be that about me or how I’d like the post to be. If you look back to the posts from 2020 they are different to the ones in 2022, although they have the same core identity. Some of that is me changing and growing as a person, and some of that is me developing a better idea of how I want this blog to be. These are things I have only learnt by doing, they are not things I could have perfected before I’d started. Sometimes you can’t jump in fully developed, there are some things you just have to learn as you go. Frankly, that’s part of the joy of it, you are an explorer in your own mind, and you develop as you go.

What is it that I have to say?

It took me a loooooooong time to get from my first ever blog post to here, after all there was a 5 year gap between posts one and two. When I started out I felt like I needed to be like other blogs written by other people. There are so many great blogs out there that summarise research or talk science/leadership, mostly they have 101 references, and are aimed at specialists. I discovered pretty early on, after writing post number one, that that wasn’t the blog I wanted to write. It then took me quite a while to decide on not what I wanted to write about, but what I wanted to say. I think in the end, this blog is about everyday challenges and everyday scenarios. It’s about the things that I think most of us face in one way or another, and it’s about the good, the bad and the ugly. At the end of the day, I hope those of you reading it feel just a little less alone in the challenges we face and that as a community we become better able to have conversations about these challenges, as well as celebrating our successes.

In the last 2 years of regularly posting I’ve learnt a lot, but one of the main things I’ve decided is that I’m happy just ignoring the rules. I no longer write 900 words with three pictures, which is what all the guides said I should when I started. As this blog has grown I’ve developed the confidence to just write what I want to say, no matter how long or how short. I’ve decided that the message and our conversation is what matters, not limitations placed on the structure by convention. Sometimes things will be 500 words, sometimes they will be 2000, it will be what it will be.

The other thing I’ve realised is that I never know which posts will take off and have thousands of reads and which ones will just be a few dozen. In some ways, every time I post is like Christmas, the outcome is always a surprise. There are ones (like 50 shades of Grey) that took off and got 1000s of reads when I thought it would appeal to a very small and specific group. These surprises are a real treat for me as I suddenly discover that thoughts that are whirling in my head are actually not just in my brain alone. Suddenly, you realise a challenge or problem you’re working through, thinking it was just you, is something that lots of people are getting to grips with. Suddenly, I’m much less alone.

Ideas are not the problem

When I first conceived of writing a blog I was worried about whether I would have enough things to write about. I have to tell the opposite is true. I started with 40 seeds of ideas written on a piece of paper and hoped that would see me through. These days I usually have somewhere between 120 and 190 posts in draft. Some are just titles, some are mostly written and for some reason haven’t quite gotten finished. Often the reason for that is that I write what speaks to me when I sit down to write. I can plan for something to be the topic that week and then something happens, I have a conversation or am part of an event, and suddenly different words than expected pour out onto the page.

One of the other things I’ve learnt is that sometimes I have to step away from a thought for a bit to let it percolate a bit. I will have ideas or even start to write something, and it will just feel like hard work. I’ve discovered that when I’m writing the right thing, the right thing for me at the right time, words will flow and I’ll sit and write 1000 words without a pause. I should have realised this sooner as a similar thing happens to me when I try to write grants and papers when I haven’t finished my thinking. I think the difference with the blog is that sometimes I also have to be ready to put something out there. I can also only write something if it’s true. So, I can have planned to write something really uplifting but if I’ve had a really bad week or faced something tricky that is what I write about instead, as it’s the thing I need to process that before moving onto other things. I always want to be honest in what I write, and so I’m never going to sit and sell things as sunshine and roses when it doesn’t actually feel that way in the moment. Feel for those poor drafts who’ve languished unfinished for over a year. Their time will come.

As I sit here on a Friday night 2 years on I still don’t know if I’m a writer, but I do know that writing this blog has become part of me. This blog wouldn’t exist without you though, without you being prepared to sit and read my rambling on a Friday night, without you being prepared to share some of you valuable time with me and my ever so weird brain. I am more grateful than I can express for that and the generosity you have all shown me on this journey. Few things have brought me so much joy in recent years than the interactions that I would never have had if it wasn’t for this blog, and it has given me opportunities I would never have imagined. Every interaction has taught me so much about me and connecting with you all has meant so very much, you all have my thanks. When we meet face to face I definitely owe you all a cup of tea and a piece of cake.

All opinions on this blog are my own.

I’m going to tell you a truth that might shock you……..I don’t like Yorkshire Tea (my family may disown me as Bolton Upon Dearne is in my blood). I don’t even really like fruit tea. I have a tea ranking system:

• Darjeeling
• Lady Grey
• Earl Grey
• Jasmine (preferably flowering)

You’ll probably be looking at this and thinking why on earth is she telling me this. Well, the reason is if I am this picky about my tea is it any surprise that I am not everyone’s favourite person. If I’m this picky about tea, other people are bound to be this picky about other things, including people.

You are not going to be able to convince me to take my tea strong and with milk instead of weak, black, and with lemon at a push. I’m equally unlikely to convince you that I am someone who fits into your world view if you’ve decided that I don’t.

So why do we fight against this simple truth so hard?

For a very long time, I’m talking decades of my life here, I thought if I tried hard enough, I could be liked. If I tried to reign in parts of myself with different people, if I tried harder to fit the mould, I would be able to win people over. Now I’m into my 4th decade I realise there are some fundamental flaws to this way of thinking:

• It assumes you have to be liked to suceed or to work with someone on a project
• It diminshes the strength of difference
• It assumes being a lesser version of you will be better, without acknowledging that being inauthentic has other downsides
• It only works if you can do something to control the behavioural response of another person, in all likelihood a flawed concept
• It starts out from a point of thinking there is something wrong with me

Winning personality

So where does this flawed thinking come from? I think we are told as children, whether explicitly or not, that if we behave well enough and fit into societal expectations then we will be liked, we will be popular as a reward and we will succeed. The reality is that it doesn’t matter how much you smile, how much effort you make, sometimes you will encounter people whose world view is just different to yours. That doesn’t make that person bad, it doesn’t make you wrong or right, just different.

I’ve had professional relationships where it took me years to realise this. Professional relationships where I tied myself in knots trying to make a break through where the other person would suddenly see the value of me. I tried to be less me in order to meet some undefined standard, I tried to hold the line in case they respected strength, I tried praise and engaging in discussion in their topics of choice in order to bond us. It failed, sometimes it failed horribly, because none of those things ‘fixed’ the fact that our fundamental world views, value and beliefs were just never going to reconcile.

Two things about this approach. First, even if it had worked it would only have worked short time, that kind of lack of authenticity to who you are is too difficult to maintain over time and actively harms the way you feel about yourself. Secondly, it was a massive waste of energy and effort. In hindsight I understand now that I would have been better served by understanding that I was never going to be liked, I was never going to have the break through I craved, but instead invest all of that energy and time into learning to find areas where we could work together irrespective of the way we saw the world.

If only I could explain it better

Everyone loves a trier…….err no, no they don’t. One of the things that people like least about me is the fact that I pick up ideas and run with them. I have an idea, become enthusiastic and just crack on with it failing to consider that a) some people are less comfortable with change than I am or b) other people care much more about territories and boundaries than I do, and so me running with my great idea may result in me breaking through other people’s fences.

I used to think that if only I could explain my concept or my idea better then everyone would just get on-board. This just isn’t the reality of the situation. It doesn’t matter how great my plans are, they alone are not going to change how others receive or are impacted by them. Explaining them better isn’t enough. Instead of sulking about the fact that others ‘don’t get it’ I need to work harder to see the whole landscape from the angle of those impacted by my plans. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not great at this one but I’m at least I’m aware and working on it.

Secretly everyone is like me…..right?

Humans are by their very nature ego centric, as no matter how hard we try we can only truly hear our own thoughts and voices. This can present some really true communication issues where we can come to believe that everyone is like us. I often see my vision of the world so clearly that it can be hard to adjust or even truly realise that others see the world in a completely different way. Your personality, your experiences and your surroundings all work together as a jigsaw puzzle to create the picture you see. The flaw in the thinking is to think that those things all combine in a way that means others will have the same image when they come together as you.

I’ve been slow to realise the truth of this. The things that are fundamental truths in my world are not the same in other people’s. You can’t make the assumption that deep down we are all the same and care about the same things, because we don’t. As healthcare professionals I think I’d always assumed that there were things that we could extrapolate about each other because of our chosen profession, things like patient centred care being at the top of all of our list of drivers. This isn’t true. It took me years to figure it out, but that’s the reality. You can’t shortcut this stuff on the basis of labels, such as job title. This doesn’t mean these other people are bad at their jobs, it doesn’t mean they don’t care about patients, it’s just not necessarily the thing that gets them out of bed every morning. Some of them are there for the intellectual challenge, some are there because they like to lead, and some are there because they enjoy the fulfilment of papers being published etc.

All of this means that if you enter a scenario making assumptions that the drivers are the same and therefore base your success criteria on those assumptions, one or both of you are likely to finish the interaction believing it to be a failure. You also won’t get the most out of those involved, in terms of either engagement or ideas. The power therefore is not in being liked or being the same, the power lies in learning to both identify and work with difference. This means finding areas of overlap where different people can contribute differently, reflecting who they are as people.

You can’t always be what people need you to be

As a leader one of the things I’ve become aware of over recent years in that sometimes you can be disliked because you can’t be the person someone needs in the moment. Leadership is about balancing the needs of everyone, your team, your patients, your service. It’s about being open to opportunities for everyone and ensuring that doors are kept open. Sometimes that means that you have to say ‘not now’ to some people in order to maintain parity of access, as not everyone is able to ask for support in the same way.

I found this to be one of the biggest burdens of being a leader. I like to be liked and I just failed to keep everyone happy. Understanding that sometimes to be fair you have to also be OK with being disliked was a turning point for me. By seeking to be liked I could actually be disadvantaging others and that is a price that is too high to pay, just to make me feel better.

Understanding what is and what is not within your remit of control has really helped me with managing my emotional response to some of these situations. My remit is to try and make transparent decisions which are articulated in terms of both thought process and outcomes. I need to take ownership of that process and ensure that I engage with learning about how to do it better. This involves acknowledging responses to it. What I can’t do it take on board everything that happens emotionally linked to it. I can’t ‘fix’ everything and others are entitled to disagree. I need to take on feedback and turn it into something productive rather than trying to White Knight everything in the hope of changing minds, as in the long term that doesn’t help anyone.

The sooner we realise the truth the better. The sooner we realise the truth then we can understand that working together doesn’t need us to be soul mates or best friends. Our differences will (if we can get over ourselves) likely make our processes better. The sooner we realise this, the sooner we can have open non judgemental discussions about areas of over lap and shared drivers in order to work out where energy and resources will be best place. The sooner we realise this the sooner we will stop putting energy into diminishing who we are to fit some non existent ideal and open the door to liking ourselves that little bit more.

I’m off to have a super weak cup of darjeeling…………please don’t judge me for it

All opinions on this blog are my own