faith

Finding the Positives: Ten reasons why I am still grateful, even for the bad days

girlymicro General, Leadership , , , , , , , ,

I got a cab this yesterday, and I said good morning and asked how the driver was doing, as I always do when I grab a cab. They looked at me and said ‘you are a happy person, so many of my rides are not’. This really got me thinking about happiness and outlook. Life is challenging for a lot of us right now. The world is a scary place. A lot of the rules that we thought existed to manage how society works are being challenged, and for those of us who work in the NHS the job feels harder than it’s ever been. It is easy to fall into what Mr Girlymicro and I describe as the pit of despair. Some days, the only thing we can control is what that pit looks like. Can you line it with pillows, blankets and Darjeeling tea, to make it manageable until you find the ladder out? On days where I find myself within the pit I try to focus on what positives I can i.e. find my pillows, and use what comfort there is to ride the wave. Here are a few of my reflections from my recent pit time about my things to be grateful for, even on bad days in case anyone else is finding it hard right now.

Allows people to show you who they are

I like to think that I approach everyone with the same baseline attitude of trust and optimism. There have been a few times in my career where this may have been an approach that ended up costing me, either emotionally or professionally. I’ve made an active decision that this is how I want to continue however, as I don’t want to be someone who is forced into a cynical existence. I want to continue to think the best of everyone and their intentions.

If I then get caught out because of this ‘glass is half full’ approach I think there are still positives, even if it can come with a cost. It may not always feel like it but knowing who people are is a gift. Seeing the person behind the mask enables you to know what really motivates their behaviour, which only makes you more empowered to interact with them in the future. In this one, reality, no matter how painful, is better than existing in your previous delusion. That said, someone told me once ‘when someone shows us they are believe them the first time’. So I now try to face up to my new reality on first exposure rather than getting stuck in a loop of second chances.

Aids with learning more about who you are

When your back is against the wall, when resources are limited or you are in a place where every interaction feels like a battle, it’s tiring, it’s draining and boy is it depressing. Part of survival in these circumstances is choosing your battles, and often doing a lot of thinking about how to manage yourself within that space. If you’re like me, there will also be a lot of questioning about how you ended up in that difficult spot. All of this can feel a bit like self flagellation in the moment, but it actually fulfils an important purpose, and it’s not just about survival. All of this strategising and reflection is an essential part of learning.

The learning, for me, is always about which decisions did I make that led me to this place, and how can I make better choices and see red flags when I have previously missed them. When making decisions about which battles to go into, what do those choices say about my priorities and the things I value? How can I use this self knowledge better? The big one though, is also what was/is my role in where I’ve found myself. The ugly and oft unwanted truth is that I have always played a role, so where was I the protagonist is the piece? Where is my learning about how to be better? A better person? A better colleague? A better scientist? Learning is a gift and we should take it where we can find it.

Motivates you to channel creativity

You may not be able to control the external forces that feel like they are whipping your existence into a hurricane, but you can control some of your responses to them. Now, I’m an emotional person, and in my hurricane I often feel like Dorothy in her house as it’s flying to Oz. For me, I need to find a way to ground myself and my thinking. I need an outlet and something that I can focus on to stop my mind from running wild. During these times I have so many thoughts but also moments of inspiration.

If I were a more creative person I suspect I would paint or write poetry. It will surprise none of you though to find that instead I tend to list possible future blog titles based around what I’m processing. If a particular ideas seizes me I will just sit and write the whole thing but often it’s about capturing the moment in the form of titles. I know that 2024 and 2025 have been hard times by the fact that I have over 300 blogs in some level of draft. Some of those will get collated, some of them will go nowhere, and some of them will keep me busy writing for the next several years. Looking back on these titles shows me that positive things can come out of difficult times, and helps me process where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’d like to get to.

Provides you with moments to practice responses

It’s not just practical skills where practice makes perfect, it’s also valid for our coping responses and communication skills. This can be anything from saying no or setting boundaries, to skills that help you manage emotional overwhelm or anxiety. No one wants to find themselves in difficult times or managing difficult relationships, but I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who hasn’t gone through periods of challenge in their lives, so the sooner we get better at some of these responses the better we will manage when the bad times hit.

That said, you don’t want to be doing the self reflection or learning needed to identify what responses might help you when you are in the midst of things. It’s probably best to do your thinking in calmer times, and use the moments of trouble to practice applying them. I don’t want anyone to have enough of these moments to excel at the application piece, but the reality is you will hit difficult times and so having them as part of your toolbox can only help.

Helps you learn who your trusted friends are

I have a small number, and I mean below 10, of people in my life I trust with all of me. The people I trust to give me the difficult truth and help me through managing my response. The people I know who are always there to support and don’t have an agenda, or want anything from me for being in my life. When I was younger, like many of us, I thought it was nice to be popular, to have a long list of people I thought of as friends. It’s taken me time to realise that I have friends, and then I have the people I can call at the darkest and worst times in my life who would catch a flight to wherever I was and just give me a hug if that was what I needed. The people who would answer the phone if I needed them to at 3am and just listen to me cry it out. I am so grateful for these people, but you often only work out who’s who during the dark times.

Gives you an opportunity to review priorities

It is very easy to get into a vibe and just carry on down a pathway that you set your mind to without ever taking the time to review. This is especially true for healthcare careers, where you decide in your early 20’s the pathway of professional and educational development you will follow for the next 20 years. As you are going through difficult times and learning who you are however, it is also a good time to decide whether this is what you want any more? Is it worth the challenge? Is it worth the fight? Is it worth the energy you are putting in to keep going? Every time I’ve been through this exercise the answer has come back yes to the general sense of direction. I have come to a different conclusion about different components of the whole though.  I’ve quit committees and other commitments, where the answer has come back as no. All to enable me to put more time and energy into the things have come back as yes. Not everything works at every phase, and so bad times give you an opportunity to drop those things that no longer serve your inner purpose.

Makes you focus on what is important

Dropping things leads me onto my next thought. Once you have reviewed yourself and your priorities the next question I ask myself is ‘what do I need to survive this?’. What are the important keystones of your life that you can focus on in order to ride out what is going on.  Sometimes what you need are big things and big changes. Sometimes the thing you need is just something that will get you through the moment of struggle. For example, there are days where what I need more than anything in the world is to lie on my sofa with the lights out, the patios doors open, and to just listen and watch while the rain pours. It’s been something that calms my soul since childhood, where I would gather a duvet and sit on a swing wrapped up and warm while the rain fell all around me. It depends on the situation and the moment.

My responses to the hard moments have a tendency, in general, to be more insular. Some people, in these difficult circumstances, become extraverted and focus on spending time with people, be it for distraction or support. I tend to want to  reduce my exposure to the outside world and outside stimulus, and retreat to my safe space, being at home in my castle with Mr Girlymicro. I want to pull up the drawbridge and immerse myself in things that will distract my mind, like movies and games, or calm my soul, until I’m forced to re-engage with the outside. There’s a lot to be said for understanding yourself enough to know what aids you when the world feels like it is crumbling around you. These moments can remind you of what you value, and the self care that you perhaps should have been doing more of.

Aids in future planning

I talked earlier about how being conscious of the decisions and things you prioritise during hard times in order to learn more about yourself, but I think it also goes beyond that. Bad times can provide moments where you can thoroughly review your life and start to refresh your thinking about who and where you want to be when you come out the other side. When the world is so shaken you lose your centre, it’s an opportunity to find a new balance that will enable you to strike out in a new direction when the clouds do eventually clear.

I often struggle to live in the moment. Even more so when I don’t like the moment that I am in. In order to escape the reality of where I’m at I will play with dreaming of different futures, like some people imagine outfits I imagine where I could be. If I find one that speaks to me I think ‘what do I need to find my route forward?’ ‘What could lead me there?’ Obviously a lot of this is just release via dreaming, but sometimes things stick and it can change how I plan my next steps. This is how I decided on writing a pathology murder mystery series when I retire, and how I’m even taking steps now to prepare for that aspiration as I pootle along in my everyday life. Using this method to review and map your ambitions can be a helpful use of your time, not just an escape.

Reminds you of what you are grateful for

As dear Taylor says ‘If you never bleed you’re never gonna grow.’  Growth is hard and sometimes unwelcome, but if we want to be better it is inevitably something that needs to happen. That said, we need something to get us through, and if I had to sum it up, that thing is gratitude. It’s remembering through the maelstrom who we are and what we value. Different people are grateful for different things but, for me, in terms of the big stuff, it always comes down to family.  My family by blood, and my chosen family. Both of whom will be with me no matter what.

As for the smaller and everyday, during the pandemic friends of mine went out of their way to send me little gifts.  A teacup to have my favourite tea in. A bottle of gin or champagne so I could enjoy what little down time I got. Many of those items sit on my dresser in the kitchen and remind me to be grateful. It’s often not the large gestures that stay with us, but the small things that remind us we are in peoples thoughts. The moments that remind us that we are seen by others, so we don’t succumb to feeling invisible in our gloom. Whatever you are grateful for though, make sure you pay it forward when you can, so your things can sit in someone else’s kitchen and remind them they matter.

Helps make you ready for what comes next

I wanted to finish with a reminder that getting through the hard times prepares us for the future. If you take on the learning, about yourself and others, you will walk out of that storm a better, more prepared person than when you entered it. There will be a future that will be brighter because of the darkness you’ve lived through it. That doesn’t make what you are experiencing right now better, it doesn’t make it fair, but sadly life is like that. What it enables you to end up being is a more defined version of yourself. A person who knows who you are and what you want. Hopefully a person who is able to go after those things. It can also help you to be a person who now knows what you don’t want, and what you are prepared to let go of carrying in order to improve your life. That too is a different kind of bonus.

When I’m deep in the darkness I tell myself if I can find my ‘second star to the right, and just keep on till morning’ I too will find my way out of the storm and end up where I want to be.

All opinions in this blog are my own

Don’t Hang on Too Tightly: Having enough faith in yourself to know there will always be another idea

girlymicro Academic Life, Healthcare Science, Leadership, Research/Academia , , ,

Someone said to me a few weeks ago that the story of my career is to ‘have good ideas and then to have them taken’. This was an interesting comment made spontaneously, and to be honest, I’ve never really thought about it in that way. So I’ve taken a few days to reflect on it as it obviously resonated enough with me to stick in my mind, and this is what I’ve landed on. We don’t own anything, at least when it comes to concepts and innovations at work, and I’d rather see any transition as a gifting than anything negative.

There will always be competing circles, hierarchies, or priorities, which means that things you developed sitting within one may be better placed or coveted by somewhere else. Workplaces are dynamic, and there is always flux. Denying that will just result in additional stress and tension. Sometimes, you just have to have a little faith. Faith that handing something off is the right thing to do, and faith in yourself that you will always have another idea or innovation, nothing is ending, this is an opportunity for new beginnings. Despite having come to terms with it now I found this very challenging early on in my career and so I thought it was worth exploring more, in case the journey I’ve been on is helpful to others in developing their own coping mechanisms for dealing with this reality.

The academic challenge

Academia is a strange and unusual world and, although I love it, it can be baffling and difficult to understand how it works, especially when you first join. When working clinically, you are generally in a scenario where you are responsible, and therefore in some way ‘own’, the results you are working with, even if you are not the one giving actionable advice. The same is often not true in an academic context. When you are starting out, your Primary Investigator (PI) has a lot of control over the work, and owns both the risk linked to any given project and the data. As a result, I think many of us have experienced a scenario where a PI has taken either our data or our ideas and utilised them without our inclusion or consent. I once found a paper that had a bunch of my data in it, interpreted incorrectly, that had been published by a Professor in my department without my knowledge. I’ve also popped in whilst I was on leave to find a different Professor going through my lab books to see my data when they were nothing to do with me.

These are extreme examples of not great behaviour, but the principle is still present. You don’t own what you produce in academia until you get to the point where you are the one who is bringing in the money that pays for the production, and even then your funder could be considered the owner. There are lots of ways to improve this, and there are plenty of people who behave better despite this scenario. It is important to understand the dynamics and drivers in order to be able to come to terms with some of the unwritten rules however. Once you have understanding, you are in a position where you can learn to navigate the challenges.

It’s less about seniority than you’d think

I used to think that the more senior I became the more I would have the freedom to own my initiatives. That I would no longer set things up to have them taken once the majority of the work had been done or the risk managed. This is true in some ways but not in quite a lot more. The last 20 years have shown me that the difference is less about seniority and more about advocacy. If you have people in the room who will challenge and speak up for you that is more important than status alone. For instance, if a project is being discussed then the meeting will hand designated responsibility for it to someone in the room. If you are not in that room, you need someone who is to go ‘Elaine has been doing a great job on this, I’ll feedback on how it’s going right now and make sure I continue support. Elaine will have more details so how about we invite her to the next meeting in order to give us an update?’. One of the problems with working between worlds (in my case scientific, clinical and academic) is that you have fewer people invested in this kind of exchange, as you don’t sit with any particular group in a way that feels like you are a full member. You therefore have less people who are prepared to take those steps to advocate for you and your work without significant prior campaigning. I now sit in a lot more meetings, and have a much closer team, and that advocacy pathway is easier, so seniority plays in, but is not always the main driver.

Be prepared to have hard conversations with yourself

It can be tempting to play the victim. It can be tempting to see the world as unfair and that things should be different. I hate to break it to you, and I am often forced to remind myself, it’s not about you. Very few things that happen in a professional context are truly personal. We work within systems, and those systems have rules, some of which are obvious and some of which are less so. If something works, if an idea is good, and it serves the system, sometimes people will just take it. If the idea is to benefit patients, or to serve a change, then maybe we can’t ‘own’ anything, as it belongs to the system we are working within. It can feel really tough whilst you’re in it. It can feel pretty dreadful to have something you’re invested in taken away.

Sadly, ideas are not toys, and we are not in nursery, rarely is someone going to sweep in and return things to us. So you need to be able to take a reflective step back and decide how important this particular moment is. When I sit in meetings, and yet again someone is claiming ownership of a research idea, or I feel pushed out, I consciously ask myself will this matter? Will this matter tomorrow? Will this matter next week? Will this matter in six months? Will this matter next year? I do it in precisely this order, almost as a mantra, and I often find that the answer is no to at least one of these questions. This calms me in the moment and enables me to react in a logical mind set rather than an emotional one. You need to find a way to get into the right mind set to serve you, not be the servant of an emotion in that moment. Otherwise you won’t get the outcome that you are striving for.

Battles inhibit creativity

One of the reasons I try to get myself to a space where I can rationalise and move on is because it helps me. I’m not doing it for anyone else. If you are spending time fighting every battle, I find, that it means I have less band width for creativity, for new ideas, to be inspired. Frankly, I’m not interested in giving other people enough space in my head to mean that I can’t be the best version of me. There are definitely times that you need to suit up and go into battle, but most of the time it isn’t worth the impact. Keeping yourself focused on why it is that you decided to do what you are doing, and making sure you can do it in the best way possible is the best version of success. You have to let go of the fear and the protectionism in order to enable you to succeed in the long term, rather than always having a short term focus.

Assess whether you are still the right person

One of the other reasons to move to a rational space is to enable you to make balanced assessments. One of these assessments is to evaluate whether you are clinging to things for the right reasons. Sometimes we have invested so much of ourselves, of our energy, into a project that it is hard to let it go. That doesn’t mean that we are always the right person to continue. There are plenty of times when the right decision for the work is for it to pass to someone else or another group. You may have too many other projects to give it the focus it needs, or you may have upcoming work which means it will have less investment in the future. It may be that the project now needs to be advocated for at a different level, and therefore expansion requires it to be taken over by a senior leader. A really common one is that you don’t have the CV or track record to be able to be PI on the grant that is needed to take it to the next level, and therefore you need to hand over primary responsibility in order for it to succeed. Not all handing over is linked with loss, sometimes you have to let go of control of an idea or piece of work to enable it to flourish. In these moments it’s important to recognise that the handing over is something to be celebrated, rather than mourned, and seen as a sign of how far it’s come.

Know what matters to you

If, when you ask yourself the does this matter questions, you answer yes, then you need to decide if the potential costs are worth it. There are definitely times that you will recognise that something does truly matter, and when that happens you need to be able to come up with a logical plan of response. Who can you speak to? Where can you build support? How much impact can you have and will that be enough? I’m very lucky to have a great team around me who will not only advocate when I’m not in the room, but will also offer peer support. If you are not in the place to influence and you decide that it matters, you have to maneuver yourself into a position where you can. This takes time, it takes investment, it requires the expansion of social and other capital. You can’t do this for everything and so you have to be selective. The other thing that you may learn, is that during the early stages of a project that is significant to you, you can take proactive steps in order to determine the future pathway and therefore reduce any challenges before they become insurmountable.

Keep the faith

Not matter how bad it can feel in the moment, know this. You will have a new idea. You will find a new challenge. You will be inspired again. This is not the end, this is a window to a different beginning. Be honest with yourself about your personal drivers, why is this so important? Take these moments and challenges as learning opportunities. I have found people that I am over the moon to collaborate and work with long term, but they can be counted on the fingers of one hand. I have collaborated and worked with vastly more, where I have completed the work, taken the learning, but know that I would prefer not to repeat the experience. All of that is OK. Building trust takes time. Sometimes you need to work with people that have different values and drivers to you, and often once you understand those you can deliver, but every now and again it doesn’t work. You have to have the courage to keep going, the courage to keep trying, and the courage to let go of failures and difficult experiences. You have what it takes to come out of this particular crucible so much stronger. So keep the faith in yourself and you will climb mountains!

All opinions in this blog are my own

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