I haven’t taken more than 2 weeks off from posting on this blog for over 3 years, but I have been unexpectedly absent in October. Normally, I would have tried to get some guest blogs to fill the void, but I kept thinking I would feel better/different, so time has just slipped away, and so here we are.

So what happened? Well, some of you will remember how excited I was to go on holiday mid-September. It was my birthday and wedding anniversary, and the Girlymicro team were super excited as we were heading off to the Agatha Christie Festival, a trip 10 years in the planning. Sadly, things did not go to plan.

We arrived on the Saturday and everything was glorious. By the Monday Mr Girlymicro had an upset stomach. By my birthday on Tuesday, he was feeling so unwell with a temperature that he had to retire to bed. On Wednesday, I went out and brought SARS CoV2 tests for everyone. Both mummy Girlymicro and Mr Girlymicro were stonkingly positive. I followed soon after on Thursday. Now you might be thinking, what’s the big deal? Everyone has had COVID by now, but you’d be wrong. Mr Girlymicro had avoided it for over 3 and half years. Mummy had had it once, and I had a nasty respiratory version in March, but nothing like this. Thus ensued 2 weeks of laying on sofas and not leaving the holiday let whilst temperatures ran riot and I worried about whether hospital trips were in our near future. As is obvious, we all survived, although no festival was had.

So what’s the problem? The problem is that in addition to the physical side effects (tiredness, auto immune etc) my mind is quite frankly fucked. I can barely type sentences without errors, and the cognitive impacts have included a delightful range of emotional instability and anxiety outside of even my normal range. Long and short, I’ve felt cognitively paralysed and quite frankly far from OK. This is week 6 though and I’m trying to force my mind back into some sort of normal, but if you’re reading this and it makes no sense please just give me a free pass for a bit. Just in case anyone else has been experiencing this delightful combo, below are some thoughts about how I’m trying to weather this particular storm and also be OK with just not feeling entirely like myself.

Getting back to basics

One of the key things I’ve been trying to do whilst riding this particular wave is to focus only on the things right in front of me. My inbox is a bit of a car crash as a result, sorry about that, and you may or may not have noticed that I haven’t really been on social media much. I’ve been struggling just to pick up the basic tasks of survival, like eating, and to generally pretend to be functional.

All the extra bells and whistles have, therefore, had to go. I’ve not been able to pull late nights or work weekends, which is where I generally manage to get my above and beyond done. In consequence, it’s just not been happening. I’ve not even been able to make myself work on the tube on my way in. Hence, these posts have just not happened. Normally, this would cause me huge amounts of anxiety, and I think it’s telling that I’ve just not even been able to worry about letting you all down. It’s been one foot in front of the other, and I’ve needed to just accept that that is the most I can do and my current new normal.

Learning to give myself a break

Speaking of anxiety, I tend to have a decent amount just in everyday life. During this period however, my god, I’ve never experienced anything like it. It’s been crushing. Up side, I’ve had so much I couldn’t get anxious about the things I would normally worry about. Down side, every interaction is something I’m struggling with. Partly because I’m super aware that my brain is not working the way it normally does. I’ve never been great with names, but now I’m a car crash. I just can’t find the words I’m looking for, or worse, I’m using words that I know are not correct. I write emails, which I check because I know I’m not at my best, and hit send. Then, when I read them later, they are just strings of random words. As someone who usually thinks of themselves as an OK communicator, it’s crushing to not be able to trust yourself.

I am having to let some of the self judgement go though. I’m doing the best I can. So I forget words or names, so what! I’m still understandable. Others are probably either not noticing or not caring. Plus, it is what it is, and will continue to get better. I just have to myself a break and learn to be OK in the now.

Working out what’s real

One other big challenge right now is working out what of my self-talk is real and what is being driven by this enhanced anxiety and de-stabilisisation. Am I really bad at things? Am I just being paranoid about the agenda of others or their motivation or judgement towards me. How much of the 3am panic is genuine towards things I should have done, or is the fear the world will end because I didn’t respond to that email totally self contrived?

Trying to get out of my own head is hard right now, so I’m trying to just not make big decisions or be too expressive linked to individual thoughts and judgements. To be honest, I don’t trust my instincts or responses right now. I even had a massive rant at Mr Girlymicro for no reason. We’ve been together for over 20 years, and that’s never happened before, and it was totally undeserved. I believe I may be apologising for the next 20. It’s a good thing he’s such a saint. I’m thinking awareness of my current mindset is key and, in some ways, is a good chunk of the battle. Knowing enough to realise this isn’t the time to responsively engage is a step forward. Knowing to run your thoughts processes by others to sense check your assumptions and thinking is another. I am currently an unreliable witness to my own life.

Allowing myself to ostrich

Because of all of the above, I have pretty much given myself permission to ostrich and hide away for a while until I feel more like myself. Mr and mummy Girlymicro will always be my safe space, but beyond them, even close friends I’ve known for years are triggering my spirals. There are many times in life when I tell people to feel the fear and do it anyway. This, for me, is not one of those times. Right now, I’m putting up walls and hiding away in my castle until I feel more like myself.

Most people think of me as being super extroverted, but in reality I’m not. I happily turn it on when I’ll presenting or networking. I can maintain it for several hours. Then, I need to retreat and chill with a trusted few to recharge. Right now, though, I don’t have the capacity to turn it on for very long at all. So, if you see me at conferences or meetings, forgive me for not appearing like myself. Right now, my ideal is lying under a blanket, listening to an audio book, as I lack the concentration to even read. I’m giving myself permission to do just that rather than pretending I can manage otherwise. Plus, as I’m still really tired, hiding out and napping is the biggest piece of self care I can give myself.

Working on my boundaries

I’m naturally a people pleaser. Making people happy is important to me. I’m also a planner, I always have lists and know what my tasks are (even if I dont manage to get them done). All of that is out of the window right now. I can’t face my lists, I just can’t make myself do even the simple things that need to be done, such as messaging people or booking household tasks in. Simple requests, such as organising trips for next year, are just beyond me, and for once, I’m the one pushing back and saying,’I can’t think about that right now’. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and trying to set boundaries linked to things that make it harder.

On the way into work, I’m watching nonsense TV instead of writing blogs. On the weekend, the ever wonderful Mr Girlymicro is playing Balders Gate 3 for me whilst I very deliberately do not write talks or emails. I’m consciously changing the demands I put upon myself, as the requirements for these things come from me rather than anything external. If I set these demands, I can also consciously change them, and for now, I am. Until I have the energy and capacity to cook and do basic household tasks, like putting my clothes away, I’m not accepting other demands on my time. Even if they come from me.

Knowing that I will get back to me

I suspect one of the other reasons that I haven’t blogged in this time is that I like to hope that what I write can be constructive or helpful. I’m only just now getting to the space where I can think about what interventions or comments could fulfil that brief. You don’t all need 2000 words on the fact that I feel rubbish. On the other hand, I did want to write about the fact that sometimes it’s OK to not be OK. It’s OK to admit it. It’s OK to ask for help. It’s also OK to tap out for a bit if you need to. I think it’s sometimes helpful to have others acknowledge and talk about this. No one can run at 100% all the time. Currently, I honestly believe just showing up and doing whatever I can in the moment has to be enough.

The other thing is, I know this is temporary. It’s not like some of the other things my body does to me, which are a fact of daily life and need to be managed. This one just needs me to do 2 things I’m not great at, be patient and kind to myself. Every week it’s a bit better. The fact that I’m getting this blog out today is a testament to that. I will feel more like me again, until then I have kind people in my world who will remind me of who I am and that it’s OK to take a break occasionally. Normal service shall resume, but until then there shall be copious amounts of tea and self care. See you on the other side.

All opinions in this blog are my own